When you’re trying to market a movie as crappy as Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe, the key is finding people low on intelligence and easily impressed by shiny things. Ehh, oh! I think I found ya taahget audience right heah *points crotch towards Jersey shore*. Writes LatinoReview reader “BJ”:
I was sitting on the beach in Ocean Grove, NJ yesterday when a Black [sic] helicopter stopped to hover just off shore about 35 feet in the air. All of the fourth of July revelers hoarding the beach [sic] ran towards the water to see what was going on.
Then as it slowly approached shore, a rope ladder rolled out and what appeared to be a diver climbed to the bottom of the rope ladder. As I approached the water’s edge, the helicopter the gleaming black helicopter [sic... you get it] turned only to reveal the G.I. Joe Movie logo as the diver began to wave. The helicopter the proceeded to hover south down the shore with the diver hanging on just over the water for as far south as we could see.
It was very cool as it felt like GI Joe had come to life for me and [it was] effective as EVERYONE I ran into on the Jersey Shore was talking about it.
Jesus, is it just me or does “BJ” write like a porn spambot? But anyway, yeah, dude, a guy climbed down a rope ladder and waved at you, you were practically in the movie. That sounds like real combat the way Axe body spray smells like someone who showered.
One of my favorite YouTube videos of all time has to be Guido Beach, the landmark anthropological study of the douchebag and douchette in their natural habitwat. Recently, Flubby over on KSK dug up this classic video (watch it below), a compilation of clips from the 1994 documentary Wildwood, NJ, which is basically like Guido Beach but with worse hair and stupider clothes. Some of my favorite moments:
Ahh, Jersey, don’t ever change. This should be the new New Jersey tourism video. “New Jersey: Everyone has white trash, but ours is the greasiest.”
Oh god, please just take the money and let me go.
Opening today is Everybody Wants To Be Italian (link goes to the trailer), which is about a “lovelorn fishmonger” who has been obsessed with his ex-girlfriend (now married with three kids) for the past eight years. His friends set him up on a blind date with an Italian-American girl, so he pretends to be Italian, too.
This is a romantic comedy, but they missed a perfect opportunity for a horror movie. Lovelorn fishmonger obsesses over one girl for eight years, then decides the first new girl he dates — a woman he has not yet seen — will be his true love if he just arbitrarily pretends to be someone he’s not. That’s a horror movie. That’s a guy that kidnaps women and takes them out to sea to be his fishwife, then bones them, then debones them, then discards their remains to wash up on the beach. They could call the movie Guido Beach.
Every once in a while, a video comes along that makes me really proud of my people, especially the New Jersey subspecies. This one’s called Guido Beach, and though it’s not a movie yet, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. You know, if you see yourself on video and it crosses your mind that people could reasonably assume you’re a new Sacha Baron Cohen character, it might be time for a lifestyle change. I’m just sayin.
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