I consider Kiefer Sutherland one of the coolest guys in Hollywood, mainly because he once told a guy with a video camera “that would explain everything,” and tackled a Christmas tree.  Which is why it pains me to report that he’s in talks to join the cast of Growl, which might be a perfect storm of all the worst things in the world.

1. First of all, the director, a former extra on Brett Ratner’s X3, is named “Sxv’Leithan Essex.” That’s right, unpronounceable AND apostrophe filled.  What, no exclamation points?  That’s not very extreme, bro.  For the record, he says it’s pronounced “skuh-lee-than.”  Though I find “f*ck yourself” really rolls off the tongue.

2. The Plot:

“In Growl, a traveling underground fight club called ‘The Brawlers’ arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the Maxilla family, who want to buy on to the fight card.  But the Maxilla family’s true intentions for the Brawler crew is soon revealed in teeth and claws.”

And by the fact that their name means “jawbone.”  Oh God, please tell me the town is named “Flowerew.”

3. The teaser poster had Phil Baroni in it. (Oddly, this may be the best thing about it).

4. With a concept as good as underground werewolf MMA fighting, you can’t just make one movie.  Oh no no no, you have to arm bar the iron while it’s still hot, or else you won’t get the sick scars, bro.

“We have the trilogy outlined, a prequel graphic novel and a videogame that sets up the events and characters in Growl 2,” Essex explains.

In conclusion, set photos of buff guys with tattoos.  (*chugs Rockstar, drives off in slammed Acura, starts telling everyone about how I’m going to “build my brand”*)

Holy crap, this story just keeps getting better and better.  Screenjunkies found this poster for Growl (above left), from which CagePotato rightly points out that the dude in it bears an uncanny resemblance to UFC fighter Phil “The New York Badass” Baroni (above right).  Oh, but it gets much, much better.  Turns out the movie is about AN UNDERGROUND MMA CLUB VS. WEREWOLVES, and the director’s name is “Sxv’Leithan Essex.”  Unpronounceable AND it has an apostrophe?  Your move, black folks.

“A traveling underground fight club called ‘The Brawlers’ arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the revealed in teeth and claws. Some will be hunted, some will be feed [sic], and some will become part of the family…whether they like it or not.” [via ShockTillYouDrop]

Sxv’Leithan Essex is allegedly a music video director, and at the very least, starred in the video for Five Finger Death Punch’s “The Bleeding.”  Oh, and in case you were wondering whether he has a MySpace page, you better effing believe he has a MySpace page:

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