After a record-breaking opening weekend, Tim Burton’s aggressively mediocre Alice in Wonderland movie held fairly strong and cleaned up for a second week in a row, while pretty much everything else crapped the bed.  And thank God.  I don’t think I could live in a world where Paul Blart is a hit AND She’s Out of My League is a success. The war is over, Jay Baruchel, the moodles lost.

Green Zone opened a distant second, probably because…  honestly, I’m just going to stop writing this post now.  Does anyone care about any of the boring-ass movies that played this weekend?  The most interesting thing about any of them is Remember Me‘s Secret Dwarf Hooker ending, and no way I’m sitting through 90 minutes of a RPattz acting like a whiny emo douche just to see that.

“What are you undecided about?”

“Everything.”

Go f*ck yourself.

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Opening this weekend:

Green Zone
Despite this looking exactly like one of those boring-ass Bourne movies, it’s been getting pretty good reviews, and actually sounds kind of interesting.  I’d say that’s a good thing, but I guarantee if it does well, studio execs are just going to interpret its success as “See? Audiences love shakey cam, ROFLJO!”

She’s Out of My League
I’m not the best spokesperson for the feminist point of view because I think all women should stay in the kitchen baking me pies and rubbing oil on their tits, but seriously, if you’re a boring douche like Jay Baruchel, you get to date a boring, mediocre-looking chick.  In all honesty, I can’t think of a concept more tired than this one, and there are a lot of tired concepts out there.  As many as there are tired puppies, at least.

Remember Me
This looked like a lame (and hackneyed) glorification of rich, whiny NYU asswipes even before I heard about the Secret Dwarf Hooker ending (don’t click that unless you want a spoiler).  The only reason I’d consider seeing this is to sit in the back, and every time Emilie De Ravin came on screen, shout, “CHAAAHLIE MOY BAAAAIBY NOOOOOOOAAAAAARR!”

And yes, that’s 100% phonetically accurate.  Trust me, I know what an Australian girl shouting “No” sounds like.

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(“Hello, Zack Morris?  I thought I told you not to call me here.”)

Green Zone seems like an odd choice for Paul Greengrass, since it looks a lot like The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, in which he also directed Matt Damon.  This one’s based on Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq’s Green Zone, an award-winning 2006 non-fiction book by Rajiv Chandrasekaran, about the events between the end of the war and the surge and transfer of power to the Iraqis.  In the movie version:

Chief Warrant Officer Roy Miller is a rogue U.S. Army officer who must hunt through covert and faulty intelligence hidden on foreign soil before war escalates in an unstable region.

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