"Don't look now, homey, but it seems your paper's full of KNOWLEDGE."

There was a Green Hornet screening here this week, but I had a prior engagement and couldn’t make it.  Sorry to disappoint you, but I have the next best thing to my own review: quotes from Armond White‘s.   Armond White’s reviews are my favorite to read if I haven’t seen the film, because he never spoils them.  In fact, seeing a film after you’ve read an Armond White review just gives you this new, alien perspective on it, like staring at a carpet on mushrooms (“Whoa, it really is the extemporaneous extension of the nouveau proletariat’s delectation for relentless subterfuge!”).

Anyway, enough foreplay.  It’s time to let A-Dubz impregnate your mind.  With KNOWLEDGE.

“The incognito superhero role seldom used Williams’ dazzling smile except as public figure Britt Reid, who embodied the straight-arrow WASP handsomeness Hollywood idealized until the counterculture revolution of the ’60s validated ethnic facial irregularities.”

“Exchanging WASP handsomeness for ethnic childishness means The Green Hornet‘s best moments are actually about something.”

“This time, affluent crime fighter Britt Reid is also the embodiment of the Jewish schlemiel, a satirical take on superhero convention that responds to the inanity of Hollywood’s contemporary franchises. Now Britt Reid displays father issues, obnoxious infantilism and ineptitude from the Woody Allen archetype of ambitious Jewish self-deprecation.”

“Now The Green Hornet’s entire law-and-order pretense instantly cuts to the secret of superhero fiction: Gondry examines the childlike neediness of masculine insecurity also at the heart of his previous films.”

“There’s an egalitarian frisson in Britt’s rivalry with Kato: Jewish-Asian competitiveness; white party boy privilege vs. yellow man sacrifice; wealthy condescension vs. proletarian efficacy.”

“Rogen and Chou thoroughly demystify that sexual threat. Instead, the Britt-Kato rivalry gets dispelled into their jealous pursuit of Lenore (Cameron Diaz), the newly romanticized ideal of WASP attainment. It’s like a Hope-Crosby road movie of challenging bromance.” [Source]

As if it’s not plainly obvious by now, Armond really liked it.  Also, “a Hope-Crosby road movie of challenging bromance!” absolutely needs to go on the poster.  “Action! Adventure! Wealthy Condescension vs. Proletarian Efficacy!”

The New York Times recently ran a piece on the long road to development for The Green Hornet, and aside from the fact that the writer at one point used the word “bromantic” (f*cking clean it up, NY Times), there were some interesting tidbits.  Like Nic Cage wanting to play the villain with a Jamaican accent, but we’ll get to that.

“The Green Hornet” languished in development until 1997, when the French music video wizard Michel Gondry [who once painted me a tranny with a bottle in its butt -Ed] was hired for what was to be his feature film directorial debut. Though the lead was offered to Mark Wahlberg, Mr. Gondry said his first choice was Vince Vaughn.

Mr. Gondry and the “Robocop” screenwriter Edward Neumeier reimagined the story as a futuristic fantasy. “Our villain ate human hearts,” Mr. Gondry recalled. Their villain met his end after swallowing a pacemaker. “The Green Hornet killed him with a microwave oven,” said Mr. Gondry. “The studio said it had ‘creative differences’ with us, so the film was shelved.”

Then the studio wanted Kung Fu Hustle‘s Steven Chow to direct, but that didn’t work out either:

Mr. Rogen and his frequent writing collaborator Evan Goldberg hopped aboard in 2007, drafting their own script when Columbia picked up the option. Hong Kong’s Chow was recruited to direct, but he too had creative differences.

“Stephen wanted Kato to implant a microchip in Britt’s brain and control him with a joystick,” Mr. Rogen said. “Maybe they’re doing that in China, and I’m not aware of it. I don’t read the newspapers as much as I should.”

Rogen later stretched his face back, adding, “Oh rooky heel, me rikey video game!”

Anyway, I know you came here for crazy Nic Cage stories, so…

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The Green Hornet trailer is online now, and… I don’t know.  I’m underwhelmed.  The plan was for Seth Rogen and Michel Gondry to do a comedic, possibly weird take on The Green Hornet (yes, please).  Rumor had it the studio wasn’t thrilled with what they were seeing, and their decision to convert it to 3D hints at them wanting to turn it into a generic action “tentpole” (still hate that word).  But at this point we can only speculate.  Tone-wise, the trailer makes it look somewhere between Kick-Ass and Iron Man.  Actually, with them driving around in the Hornet mobile the whole time, it makes it feel a lot like Kick-Ass, just not as exciting or awesomely violent.

Also, what is with Cameron Diaz playing the “young, hot secretary?”  I don’t like to bag on girls for their looks because I realize I’m no prize hunk of d*ck myself, but Jesus, bitch, you’re 37.  Not that she’s looks bad, but she was cute and pretty when she was 25 — now it’s time to find a skill.  But congratulations on kicking that drug habit.  At least, that’s what I’d assume of a new secretary at the local paper who’s 37.  Meanwhile, Christoph Waltz is in this movie, but barely gets two seconds of screen time. That’s a mistake.  Having Christoph Waltz in your movie only to not show him is like taking a really hot chick with huge boobs and shaving off all her hair and dressing her like a dude.   I don’t remember where I was going with this, but now I have a boner.

Doing a comedic take on The Green Hornet with Seth Rogen starring and Michel Gondry directing seems like a wacky idea, but also seems like the best way to go with a campy property that no one under 50 remembers.  These official pictures and synopsis (trailer supposedly coming later tonight) are the first we’ve heard about it since rumors (later denied) that Sony was unhappy with it, and the subsequent announcement that the release had been pushed back a month to January, and that it’d be in 3D. Phew, that’s way more words than I wanted to type about this.  Here’s the  synopsis:

Britt Reid (Rogen) is the son of LA’s most prominent and respected media magnate and perfectly happy to maintain a directionless existence on the party scene — until his father mysteriously dies, leaving Britt his vast media empire. Striking an unlikely friendship with one of his father’s more industrious and inventive [read: "Asian"] employees, Kato (Jay Chou), they see their chance to do something meaningful for the first time in their lives: fight crime. But in order to do this, they decide to become criminals themselves — protecting the law by breaking it, Britt becomes the vigilante The Green Hornet as he and Kato hit the streets.
Using all his ingenuity and skill, Kato builds the ultimate in advanced retro weaponry, The Black Beauty, an indestructible car equal parts firepower and horsepower. Rolling in a mobile fortress on wheels and striking the bad guys with Kato’s clever gadgets, The Green Hornet and Kato quickly start making a name for themselves, and with the help of Britt’s new secretary, Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz) [Uh... new?], they begin hunting down the man who controls LA’s gritty underworld: Benjamin Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz). But Chudnofsky has plans of his own: to swat down The Green Hornet once and for all.

Whoa, whoa, slow down.  So you’re saying Seth Rogen plays a man-child?  Look, just tell me Christoph Waltz does Der Humpink dance and I’ll be there.

Sony has announced that they’re pushing the Seth Rogen-and-Evan-Goldberg scripted Green Hornet, starring Rogen and directed by Michel Gondry, back a month and converting it to 3D. Last week a report came from IESB saying Sony execs thought it was “a disaster,” which Sony quickly denied.  The supposed sticking point was that Sony didn’t like Rogen and Gondry’s take and were hoping for a more traditional, blockbuster superhero movie.  Converting it to 3D seems like a move in that direction.

The Michel Gondry-helmed pic will now open Jan. 14, 2011. The studio bristled at the notion that bad buzz surrounding the project played a role in its decision to abandon one of choicest days on the box office calendar. Instead, Sony said that once the decision was made to incorporate 3D during the production process, “Green Hornet” needed to find a frame with sufficient digital screens. A number of 3D pics have already staked out December slots including “Tron: Legacy” and “Yogi Bear.”

“We’ve had a lot of success with the Martin Luther King frame, including ‘Paul Blart,’” said the studio’s marketing and distribution topper Jeff Blake. [Variety]

This removes the action-comedy from the busy late December time slot but gives the movie a 4-day holiday weekend against Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf and MGM’s The Cabin in the Woods, which was pushed back for 3D conversion. [ComingSoon]

It’s hard to concentrate on Green Hornet when the other titles in this story are Tron, Yogi Bear, Paul Blart, Cabin in the Woods, and that Tyler Perry thing I don’t even feel like retyping.  WOOF.  That title doesn’t even approach making sense.  It’s like schizophrenic word association.  Coming soon, Tyler Presents Tyler Perry’s “The Clock That Dreamed Dishwasher.”
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