I consider Kiefer Sutherland one of the coolest guys in Hollywood, mainly because he once told a guy with a video camera “that would explain everything,” and tackled a Christmas tree.  Which is why it pains me to report that he’s in talks to join the cast of Growl, which might be a perfect storm of all the worst things in the world.

1. First of all, the director, a former extra on Brett Ratner’s X3, is named “Sxv’Leithan Essex.” That’s right, unpronounceable AND apostrophe filled.  What, no exclamation points?  That’s not very extreme, bro.  For the record, he says it’s pronounced “skuh-lee-than.”  Though I find “f*ck yourself” really rolls off the tongue.

2. The Plot:

“In Growl, a traveling underground fight club called ‘The Brawlers’ arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the Maxilla family, who want to buy on to the fight card.  But the Maxilla family’s true intentions for the Brawler crew is soon revealed in teeth and claws.”

And by the fact that their name means “jawbone.”  Oh God, please tell me the town is named “Flowerew.”

3. The teaser poster had Phil Baroni in it. (Oddly, this may be the best thing about it).

4. With a concept as good as underground werewolf MMA fighting, you can’t just make one movie.  Oh no no no, you have to arm bar the iron while it’s still hot, or else you won’t get the sick scars, bro.

“We have the trilogy outlined, a prequel graphic novel and a videogame that sets up the events and characters in Growl 2,” Essex explains.

In conclusion, set photos of buff guys with tattoos.  (*chugs Rockstar, drives off in slammed Acura, starts telling everyone about how I’m going to “build my brand”*)

Judge Dredd was very proud of his customized Nissan Cube

Before we get any further, I should clarify that this isn’t a remake of the Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd, it’s an adaptation of the original graphic novel.  Movie producers are always quick to make that distinction nowadays, because it makes a remake sound all bookish and high-falutin’.  As Mitch Hedberg once said, “I remixed a remix.  It was back to normal.”

The best way to get Cannes buyers hot and bothered is to come to market with a branded property that has potentially big commercial appeal, cool elements and a reasonable budget. Here’s one that fits that bill: Andrew Macdonald’s DNA Films has made a deal with India-based Reliance Big Entertainment and IM Global to finance Judge Dredd, a 3D film that was scripted by Alex Garland, and will be directed by Pete Travis, best known for Vantage Point and Omagh.  Macdonald went back to the franchise’s DNA to completely overhaul the film and bring it back to its origins as the UK comic created by John Wagner and illustrated by Carlos Ezquerra. Dredd is set in a futuristic world filled with violence, and the character is empowered to act as judge, jury and executioner. [Deadline]

I hope this doesn’t interfere with my upcoming, sexually-explicit, right-wing fan fiction manga, Judge Judy: Mexecutioner.  Anyway, the producers of Judge Dredd 3D were kind enough to send over a sizzle reel for the film, which I’ve attached below.

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Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci wrote Star Trek, Transformers 2, and got exec producer credits on The Proposal last year, and since, as AC/DC teaches us, money talks, they now have roughly 8 billion other projects in development.  The latest today is that they’ve been hired to develop a movie adaptation of Locke & Key, a graphic novel by Stephen King’s son, Joe Hill. From Latino Review:

Set in a cool Massachusetts village called Lovecraft, the padre of this familia is murdered and the three kids and mom relocate to their estate, Keyhouse.  Turns out the house has many rooms that cannot be opened except by special keys. And scary ass forces in the house start speaking to the padre’s killer and sending him to Lovecraft to finish the job.

Meanwhile, this is just days after the announcement that Kortzi were getting a three-year development deal with Fox TV.  Those guys.  Living the life, right?  Their lives must be one big party.  I like to imagine Orci riding around on Kurtzman’s shoulders, laughing and an eating ice cream cone while Kurtzman tries to fly a kite, a trio of lab puppies playfully nipping at his heels.

(I felt this banner pic was as accurate as any.)

Lakeshore Entertainment just greenlit a film adaptation of the not-yet-released graphic novel, I, Frankenstein.  Finally, someone updated Frankenstein for a contemporary audience!  And by that I mean turned it into every sh*tty graphic novel movie ever — GRR, TAPOUT SHIRTS AND JÄGER BOMBS!!

The contemporary fantasy thriller tells the story of the original monster of Victor Frankenstein, who “stands between the human race and an uprising of supernatural creatures determined to overthrow the world.” [via /Film]

*cough* Hellboy! *cough, cough* Blade! *cough* Van Helsing! *cough* Legion! *cough* Constantine! *cough* Little Nicky! *cough* Oh God I’m actually choking now!

But don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be really good because it’s got the director of Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. I could see if this was a famous graphic novel, but as of now it’s just an unreleased graphic novel.  And unreleased is where it should stay, along with the blue-ball jizz that rots in your abdomen.  (note: this statement may not be “medically accurate”)

That’s right, Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight books are being adapted to manga (a word that refers to a Japanese-style graphic novels, though confused wops keep trying to eat them).

Created with the official involvement of author Stephenie Meyer herself, Twilight: The Graphic Novel Vol.1 will integrate selected prose from Meyer’s novel and black-and-white illustrations “with color interspersed throughout.”
The graphic novel was first announced last year at Comic-Con by North American manga label Yen Press (who also have a Gossip Girl manga cooking) and, according to Publisher’s Weekly, will be released initially in a first run of 350,000 copies. Korean illustrator Young Kim is at the helm. shaping the novel’s visual style. [Fearnet]

I have to admit it makes a lot of sense for Twilight to go after that needs-a-visual-aid market, but I imagine there’s gonna be lot of disappointed Asian kids business men when they find out this whole thing’s an abstinence parable.  At least until they get to the whole telepathic-vampire-baby-delivered-via-vampire-fang-c-section part. That seems perfect for manga.  Now, if you’ll excuse me… *lubes up Taylor Lautner hugging pillow*

[Picture via EW]