(“I shoot pistol first, ping pong ball rater”)

The more time you spend writing about movies, the more you wonder if the people who make them ever actually watch them. The latest graphic novel to spawn an adaptation is Platinum Studios’ ‘Mal Chance’, but you can just call it Wanted: The Squeakwel.

“Mal Chance” tells the story of Lola, part of an ancient clan of assassins targeted for death by a powerful gangster. Her only recourse is to bring down the gangster’s entire operation with the help of an honest FBI agent who is unaware of her true identity.

Please hold for asinine PR quote… *click, static, fax machine sound*

“Mal Chance” is a “wonderfully visual world steeped with contemporary and complex characters, all playing on the edge of life and death decisions,” [producer Tony] Krantz said. [Variety]

World… steeped with.  Playing on the edge… of decisions.  Dammit, looks like the metaphor machine is one the fritz again.  Hey, I wonder if Lola will be a hot chick wearing leather.  Yeah!  And then maybe her and the FBI agent could fall in love. But when he discovers her secret identity, it threatens everything!  Jeez, how come no one ever thinks of this stuff?

Jerry Bruckheimer has decided on a new project, which I assume he does blindfolded, by reaching into an enormous jackolantern filled with dildos, that say things like “aliens”, “talking animals”, and “elite special forces unit” on them.

The producer has snapped up feature rights to the [48-page] graphic novel “World War Robot” from IDW Publishing. Story, penned by Ashley Wood [who also wrote Zombies vs. Robots] and recounted in war-diary form by participants on both sides, centers on a small band of humans and robots facing off in a battle on Earth, the moon and Mars. [Variety]

WORLD. WAR. ROBOT.  You’ve outdone yourself this time, o’ great dildo pumpkin.

Everything about this story is so typical that you expect it to be a scene in a comedy about the movie business rather than an actual story.  Observe:  Blake Masters, creator of the (possibly made-up) Showtime series Brotherhood, is set to direct an adaptation of 2 Guns, a Boom! Studios graphic novel.

“Guns” follows a DEA agent and an undercover naval intelligence officer who are unwittingly investigating each other and who steal mob money for the good guys. They realize later that the mob actually got them to swipe $50 million from the CIA. The Universal Pictures crime thriller aims to be a throwback to ’80s buddy cop movies in the vein of “Lethal Weapon” and “48 HRS.,” but with a modern spin. [HollywoodReporter]

Sounds more like a throwback to EVERY ACTION MOVIE EVER.

“So I got this script: it’s like JAG, meets Miami Vice, with a pinch of The Departed.”
“Hmm, can we fit the CIA in there somehow?”
“Not a problem. Hey, how ’bout one of them is a vampire? And another a wise-cracking black guy?”
“Ooh, that’s good.  Wait, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
(together) “WISE-CRACKING BLACK VAMPIRE!”
“…Ooh, could he also have amnesia?”

Hey, remember when I posted all those pictures of Angelina Jolie on the hood of a car?  Well, now we’ve got more info and some stills from the movie.

Wanted is based on a comic b-, uh, graphic novel by Mark Millar being adapted for the screen by Timor Bekmambetov (Night Watch).  If you’re wondering why his name looks so strange and ethnic, it’s because he’s from real-life Kazakhstan, not to be confused with the fictional home of Borat, which has cleanest prostitutes in all central Asia – where homosexuals no longer must where the blue hat and women can now travel on inside of bus, which is much more interesting.

Wes is a disaffected office drone with a boss who hates him and a girlfriend who ignores him. That is until he meets the aptly named assassin Fox, played by Angelina Jolie. Following the murder of Wes’s father, Fox recruits him to join the Fraternity, a secret society that teaches Wes to unlock powers of lightning reflexes, enormous speed and above average sexiness. But, as with any mysterious sect, the Fraternity is not all it seems. [Empire]

It also stars James McAvoy (Last King of Scotland) as Wes, and Morgan Freeman, naturally, as his spy mentor.  Okay, so I confess I usually read books without pictures – do all these "graphic novels" use the same plot?   And is it just me, or does James McAvoy look Indian all of a sudden?  That could be sweet – a Bollywood remake of Falling Down. [Movie Announcer Voice] Hang on for the thrill ride of the summer.  Amitabh Bachchan stars in… Tec Support. He’s through giving fake names – and taking prisoners.

Wanted is set for release March 28, 2008