Opening this weekend:

Gran Torino
Watch this movie all you want, Clint Eastwood still thinks you’re a pussy.  He doesn’t care about the money.  The only thing that makes him happy these days is a good BM.

Bride Wars
Now that Anne Hathaway has gotten rave reviews for Rachel Getting Married, perhaps she won’t have to do any more spectacularly uninspired piles of monkey shit like this anymore.  You know what’d be way better than this?  Lesbian MMA porn. Know what else’d be better than this?  Nailing your dick to a tree with the claw end of the hammer.

The Unborn
Movie looks shitty, but I give the poster two thumbs up.  Hey, wait a second, the synopsis says the ghost boy died in Auschwitz.  You see that?  They tried to Trojan horse a holocaust movie on us – inside some chick’s ass.  …I hope you guys all went to college because I’m throwing down some pretty erudite analysis around here these days.

Someone on Funny or Die has taken the Gran Torino trailer and recut it to more properly emphasize the growling aspect. Between Eastwood in Gran Torino, Bale in the Dark Knight, and Jackie Earle Haley in Watchmen, 2008 could be called The Year of the Growl.  It’s like everyone took the death of Don LaFontaine as an opportunity to audition for his replacement.  But look here, jerks, there will be only one Don LaFontaine, and no matter what you do, I’ll always remember 2008 as the year I finally touched a boob.

WB recently set up a For Your Consideration site for Gran Torino, and on the site you can listen to the entire score.  Of particular note is the last song, “Gran Torino”, which, yes, Clint Eastwood actually sings himself.  Now, to look at this picture, you’d imagine that his singing voice would sound something like a dying moose choking on rock salt, or Tom Waits getting an oatmeal enema, or Tom Waits getting an oatmeal enema from a dying moose.  And you know what?  You’d pretty much be right.  I can’t tell what the words are, but I think I heard him growl something about foreigners, or that nurse who keeps hiding his pills.

I’ve attached the song below, singing starts about 15 seconds in.

clint_grantorino2

[Thanks to CHUD for finding this]

Other movie sites get sent spy pics and supposedly overhear bogus movie rumors from people who will remain anonymous all the time.  I like to make fun of them, but I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I get a little jealous.  But then, every so often, I get the kind of insider information that makes me grateful I don’t get more.  Read on for a spoilerlicious email (but only if you like spoilers).
Read the rest of this entry »

^{Aww shit, Spike Lee done just drove by bouncin’ on hydros and spinners}

USA Today today (aaah! brain aneurysm!) premiered the poster for Gran Torino, which features Clint Eastwood’s first acting role since Million Dollar Baby.

His Gran Torino character is Walt Kowalski, a racist Korean War veteran whose prized possession is a classic car that catches the eye of local gangs in his Detroit neighborhood. One of the troubled kids who covets the vehicle is from a family of Hmong immigrant neighbors, whom Kowalski has long resented.

“The young kid, as part of a gang initiation, tries to steal it, and the old guy gets him at the end of the M-1, which becomes kind of a big deal,” Eastwood says. “The kid has to do penance because of the pride of the Asian group. They make him do penance. He has to come over, and the old guy doesn’t want anything to do with him, doesn’t want him anywhere around.” The fastest way to rid himself of the boy, Kowalski decides, is to cooperate. “Walt helps him get a job and helps him toughen up a bit,” Eastwood says. “(Walt) doesn’t work construction. He’s retired. But he gets the boy in through a buddy, an old crony. They take him in and try to show him how to handle himself in life.”

Wait, did he say “pride of Asians”? Holy shit, they’re like lions. All this time I had no idea you were supposed to refer to minority groups this way. “Slow down, do you see Billy?” “There he is, across from that flock of Mexicans. –Uh oh, school of blacks, 3 o’clock, better lock the doors.”

Reached for comment, Spike Lee said, “Oh yeah? Well I’ma call all you muthaf-ckin crackas a ‘Murder of Whiteys.’ Pretty muthaf-ckin apropos, you ask me.”