Back in August, I brought you the news that Disney had dropped plans to make a Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Lone Ranger movie starring Armie Hammer with Johnny Depp as Tonto. The reason? It was going to cost between $250 and $275 million, which seems slightly expensive for a western. Well now, the principals have reportedly come to a deal, agreeing to make the film for a paltry $215 million, reteaming Johnny Depp with Gore Verbinski and the team behind the first three Pirates movies. HEROES! It’s so nice when people can put aside petty greed for a soulless cash grab.

Last we heard, the project was so expensive partly because it had frickin’ werewolves in it. But according to THR, those got dropped before the current incarnation. WHAT?! BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE A LONE RANGER MOVIE WITHOUT WEREWOLVES!

The original script included werewolves and other supernatural creatures from Native American myths [WENDINGO!!! -Ed.]. Those bells and whistles have been jettisoned, but according to sources who have read recent drafts, three massive action set pieces involving trains remain, including one described as the biggest train sequence in film history. [THR]

Ooh, trains, we’ll need an experience injun tracker to find one of those. Meanwhile, here’s what Terry Rossio had to say about the draft of the script he co-wrote and Johnny Depp’s interest in the project:

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I’m excited to report this story, because just the phrase “bloated tentpole” gets me all hot and bothered (mmm, yeah, baby, I want you in all four quadrants). So last we heard, Disney had cancelled Bruckheimer’s (bloated tentpole) The Lone Ranger, because it was going to cost $250 million. And it cost $250 million because, obviously, it had werewolves in it (or more specifically, according to ThePlaylist, “supernatural wolves” – “the 2009 draft we read by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio features supernatural wolves, a legion of coyotes and the Wendigo, a cannibalistic Native American spirit”).

Today, the Hollywood Reporter says that in the most recent script, the werewolves were gone. …And it was STILL going to cost $250 million. Why the what I don’t even…

According to sources who have read recent drafts, three massive action set pieces involving trains remain, including one described as the biggest train sequence in film history.

Was a it a train sequence EVEN BIGGER THAN A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING??!? Anyway, you’ll be glad to learn that they’re still trying to get this film made, and the latest is that Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski have lowered their fees by $10 million (!!!) and trimmed the budget to around $242 million. But Disney still wants it at $220 million or less. And even at that price, they claim it would have to gross $800 million worldwide just to turn a profit. Holy. Sh*t.

Even at the cost Disney has targeted, the film would have to gross about $800 million worldwide to be profitable when marketing and rich backends to Depp, Verbinski and Bruckheimer are factored in.

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Yeah, yeah, we got the reference.

Rango: A clever, cool-looking movie about… uh… water rights?

Oh, Rango, I wanted to like you, I really did. Finally! An animated movie with anthropomorphic animals instead of those freakish, dead-eyed condom children who crawl out of Rockwell paintings when you take too much acid?  Yay, I hate those!  Remember how much cooler Robin Hood was when he was a fox instead of Kevin Costner?  Let’s run with that.  And throw in some Hunter Thompson references to boot! I’m lukewarm on the whole kids-movie thing, but if you relate it back to mayhem and drug use, I’ll follow.

And for 20 minutes, it was perfect.  Quirky-cute, and with the coolest set of mariachi owls I can remember (it’s the droopy eyes that seal it).  In fact, the animation is incredible the entire way through — strange yet photo-realistic at the same time — but this ain’t a graphic design blog.  At some point, just wanting to like the idea of something has to give way to the reality of it, or else interest evaporates, which also explains Bob Saget’s last stand-up special.  If the base joke isn’t funny, a thousand one-off taglines aren’t going to help it either, you gawky schmuck, but back to the movie.  The plot spends far too much time exploring obviously dead-end tangents in 15-minute vignettes of animator masturbating (masturbanimation), which doesn’t disguise a central story that’s wafer thin. Yeah, that’s right, I said wafers. As in “things that are also thin.”

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Yahoo just dropped the new trailer for Paramount’s Rango, starring Johnny Depp as a chameleon in a desert.  That alone will probably be enough to qualify it for next year’s Golden Globe best picture (“Amazing acting! Johnny Depp is literally a chameleon!” -Pete Hammond). The surprising thing is that it actually looks… decent?  I’m notoriously apathetic when it comes to non-Pixar animation, but between the Hunter Thompson references in the teaser and the cast of animals wearing human clothes, this one has my number.  Aren’t animals in human clothes the whole point of kids’ movies?  Why have we strayed from that?

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There are some important stories out there to cover today, folks, but first!  It’s a raccoon!  It’s on crack!  It’s… KRACKOON!  (beware of naughty language).  Tagline?  “I suggest you cover your trash.”  (Official Site here, thanks to Michelle for the tip.)

Jared Harris (son of Richard Harris) to play Moriarty in Sherlock Downey Jr.  Mad Men‘s Lane Pryce will play the villain in Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes sequel opposite Robert Downey Jr. and the just-announced Stephen Fry.  It’s good casting — that guy came out of the womb looking like a smarmy villain.  He’s pretty much the opposite of Jared Leto.  Aww, such a pretty girl.  |LatinoReview|

Taylor Lautner has a 9-year-old lover. By which I mean of course that Breaking Dawn has cast its Renesmeé, the telepathic half-vampire fetus that Jacob falls in love with. I chub a little every time I type those words. She’ll be played by 9-year-old Mackenzie Foy. It’s funny that her parents gave her the cutsiest white yuppie name they could think of and it’s still nowhere near as twee and obnoxious as “Renesmeé”.  Mackenzie Foy, Rooney Mara, and Kodi Smit-Mcphee are the American Imogen Poots, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Peter Postlethwaite |EntertainmentWeekly|

Pirates director Gore Verbinski in talks to join Bruckheimer and Johnny Depp for Lone Ranger, and I am not even remotely close to caring about this project.  Verbinski did, however, create the Budweiser frogs, which I thought was interesting.   Oh hey, check out that tree over there. |Deadline|

And now, my new favorite Tube chop:
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