Look, I know I said Machete wasn’t nearly as good as I was hoping it would be, but let’s make one thing clear: I’d see Machete six times before I saw Takers or The American.  Yet there it was, narrowly getting beaten out by both the George Clooney snooze-fest for unhip moms who don’t watch film trailers, and Paul Walker’s heist flick for junior college dropouts.   ($13 mil for The American, 11.45 for Takers, $11. 3 for Machete).  Nonetheless, Machete was always aimed at sort of a niche audience.  Robert Rodriguez made it with indie financing and Fox bought it for $6 million, so probably no one’s crying over an $11.3 million opening.  And in their defense, Takers and The American do certainly look like movies.  Like with cameras, and acting and everything.

The other new release, Going the Distance, was basically dead in the water, opening at number five with $6.8 million.  Word on the street was that it was actually better than your average rom-com, thanks in part to supporting turns by Charlie Day and Jim Gaffigan, but it’s going to take more than that to get me to a rom-com starring Drew Barrymore.  It’d have to be called Diora Baird Lovingly Lathers and Lotions Her Breasts, and even then you’d have to promise Drew doesn’t talk out of the side of her mouth all funny this time.  But if it ends up earning more than The Switch, Burnsy owes me a box of Triscuits.  Fingers crossed!

Full chart after the jump.

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^{Don’t worry, I’m still doing a normal Weekend Preview post.  I just thought we could also enjoy Machete’s Lindsay Lohan butchering the English language.  Unless… is leprosy an STD?  (thanks to Dan M for the tip)}

OPENING THIS WEEKEND (trailers after the jump)

The Movie: Machete, what happens when people stop being polite, and start f*cking with the wrong Mexican.
The Buzz: Most people seemed to like it more than I did, and I admit, aside from Grindhouse/Planet Terror, I was never much of a Robert Rodriguez fan.  There’s lots to love (just like your mom’s AdultFriendfinder profile), I just wish it was better.  And I wholly support putting Danny Trejo in every movie possible.  Actual exchange during a Danny Trejo radio interview: FILMDRUNK COMMENTER PAULY: “You’re like the Mexican Chuck Norris.”  DANNY TREJO: “Chále, Chuck Norris dresses like me for Halloween.”

The Movie: Going the Distance, a long-distance relationship comedy starring Justin Long and Drew Barrymore
The Buzz: Despite the fatal flaw of having Drew Barrymore play the lead in a rom-com, it’s actually gotten good reviews out of a couple people I respect, and has It’s Always Sunny’s Charlie Day, comedian Jim Gaffigan, and Rob Riggle in supporting roles (not to mention Jason Sudeikis and Ron Livingston).  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s decent, but when someone says “starring Drew Barrymore!” all I hear is “step inside for a painful anal probe!

The Movie: The American, George Clooney plays an aging hitman who thinks he’s beyond redemption when on his last job, a mysterious stranger changes everything because we’ve never seen that before.
The Buzz:  (*snoooooore*) Wha? What happened?  Put it back on, I was just resting my eyes.

Notable Limited Releases:
A Woman, A Gun, And a Noodle Shop:  Hero director Zhang Yimou’s remake of the Coen Brothers Blood Simple opens today in New York and LA. Little known fact: 50 Cent once had a song about “taking you to the noodle shop” the he wisely left on the cutting room floor.

Louis CK: Hilarious: Documentary on comedian Louis CK featuring mostly footage of his stand up is now playing in Austin, Boston, San Francisco, Chicago, LA, New York, Philadelphia, and DC. I wouldn’t want more of the guy who famously wrote, “I want to rub my father’s c*ck all over Sarah Palin’s fat t*ts.”  I love that man.

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