Ten years ago, I told my friends that the hottest girls in the world were Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Today, I could probably talk them into a threeway using a carton of Parliaments and a $50 gift card to Wal-Mart. Lohan could probably use both, seeing as she’s just been fired from her latest acting gig… which was also her first job in three years.

Lohan, pictured above in her version of Heaven, was set to star in The Other Side, playing a grad student on a deserted island, and featuring a cast including Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. I can only imagine the last two were added so 1998 feels relevant again. Brittany Murphy was also once attached to star, but she’s apparently too good for any movie these days.

Fire away, MTV News:

Sources close to the production say that the financial backers of the flick had reservations about Lohan’s casting. However, USmagazine.com reports that financing difficulties for the film weren’t connected to Lohan and that it had “nothing to do with Lindsay. It was because it was an unknown director. All the major stars in this film dropped out.”

Let that be your lesson, Academy Award-nominated actor Woody Harrelson and Screen Actors Guild Award winner Giovanni Ribisi. You’re the ones who aren’t bankable, not Lindsay. She had the acute awareness to bail out before the ship sank. Lindsay is in fact the smartest actress in the history of film. She knew that between I Know Who Killed Me and present day that there would not be one role worth her time.

Huzzah, Lindsay Lohan. I, for one, look forward to your long career and even longer life.

- Burnsy

A few weeks ago, there was some confusion as to the status of the Johnny Depp-starring Rum Diary movie, written and directed by Bruce Robinson, adapted from the Hunter S. Thompson novel.  The story was that it wouldn’t be finished in time for Cannes next month, which was worrisome considering it had been shooting more than a year ago.  Well worry no longer, because it’s at least finished enough to have a test screening in Huntington Beach last night.  FilmDrunkard Rob was there to tell us about it, because it’s not like he had anything better to do:

I was approached by the test screener creepers who hang out after flicks, and when he said Rum Diary, I practically snatched the invitation out of his hand.  I almost f*cked it up for myself though, saying I was in the industry and they weren’t gonna let me in.  But then I told em I’m still but a lowly student in a documentary filmmaking class and busted out my old ID card for good measure, thanking my lucky stars I still hold on to that relic.

The Scoop: It’s not Fear and Loathing, but that’s OK. Depp’s rendition of a younger Hunter has all the familiarity we love, but he’s not familiar with the drugs yet, still just a boozehound, forming his greater ideals.  His sidekick this time around is an alright dude [Aaron Eckhart as Sanderson, I believe. -Ed.], no Benicio that’s for damn sure.  But it’s Giovanni Ribisi who steals the show*. You see in Ribisi’s degenerate, Nazi sympathizing, junkie state, the beginnings of Hunter/Kemp’s drug aspirations. His every line is quotable and his every appearance is like a surprise mugging – but by cuddly unicorns, which turns out alright in the long run.  Lastly, Amber Heard (pictured) is the mermaid of my dreams, but you can tell the upper brass had a field day in the cutting room, leaving all gratuitous nudity on the floor, being one of the only detriments to the film.

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Believe it or not, for Luke Wilson, this past year has been about more than just superior cell service and gravy bongs; he also made a movie.  It’s called Middle Men, it just got bought by Paramount for release next year, and it tells the true story of the guys who pioneered internet porn, a subject near and dear to my heart, boner, and past work experience.

Jack Harris [Wilson] has a faithful and loving wife, two beautiful children, and a successful career fixing problem companies. When an associate calls him about an opportunity to help turn around a business that has fallen into trouble, he decides to take the job. Little does he know, it is a decision that will change his life in ways he never expected. Jack meets with Wayne Beering [Giovanni Ribisi] and Buck Dolby [Gabriel Macht], two genius but troubled men who have invented a way to sell adult entertainment over the Internet. The plan was brilliant but the execution wasn’t — they were making money hand-over-fist and losing it just as fast. Seeing the potential, Jack agrees to partner with Buck and Wayne, devising a way to bill the entertainment through a third party, taking the guilt out of the ultimate guilty pleasure. Before he knows it, he finds himself caught between the Russian mob, a 23- year-old porn star, the FBI, and losing his family in the process of becoming rich. Witness a story so outrageous, you won’t believe it’s true. A story that proves business is a lot like sex…getting in is easy, pulling out is hard. [/Film]

Time out, getting in is easy?  If that were true, you wouldn’t be making a movie about internet porn, now would you. For that lazy metaphor, I’m gonna cover you with my chloroform hanky and take you on the snoozy train to rape town.

Good news, folks, I’ve got two new Avatar clips to share.  In this one, Zoe Saldana’s character teaches Sam Worthington (Jake Sully) the proper way to break your pterodactyl thingie so you can ride it around while you chuck spears at space helicopters.  Do it wrong and they’ll just poop on the carpet and chew up all your feather necklaces, and no one wants that.  I like to imagine that when they were shooting this scene, at first Zoe Saldana just did her lines in her regular voice.

JAMES CAMERON: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the f-ck are you doing?

ZOE SALDANA: “Huh?  What?  Did I flub a line?”

JAMES CAMERON: “No, I mean you’re playing a space alien from a planet light years away, and yet you’re talking like a Valley girl down at the mall.  What are you, a f-cking retard?  Everyone knows aliens don’t sound like that.”

ZOE SALDANA: “My bad.  Should I try it in a dracula voice?”

JAMES CAMERON: “Duh.”

The other new clip is over at MSN, and in that one Giovanni Ribisi tells Sigourney Weaver about unobtanium.  “Unobtanium?”  “That’s right.  It’s the most expensive substance in the galaxy, because the only way to mine it is with a doohickey.”

Guess what, everyone: Lindsay Lohan got a job!  Yaaay!  Wait, does this mean she won’t have to do porn?  Boooo!

Lindsay Lohan will topline indie fantasy comedy “The Other Side” alongside Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette.

Story centers on a grad student who must spend the summer working at a scientific institute on a remote island. She discovers an eccentric community of characters who are hiding a secret about a tragedy that took place many years before.

Feature role is Lohan’s first since “I Know Who Killed Me” in 2007, when her career stalled over assertions of unprofessional behavior. [Variety]

Woody Harrelson… Dave Matthews… Yup, that’s the weirdest cast ever.  I didn’t even know Dave Matthews acted.  But it makes sense that he’s in a movie about a college student.  Dave Matthews is to college what Kenny G is to dentists’ offices.