It’s common knowledge at this point that when you’re a big star, companies will knife fight each other for the right to be the first to give you free crap. And I’m not using “crap” here simply as a synonym for stuff, I mean that most of the stuff, even if supposedly expensive, actually sounds kind of crappy. Even if you’re not a big star, you can actually sign yourself up to receive all kinds of promotional stuff like this, depending on your demo. I was signed up to something called “BarkBox” a while back, where they send you dog toys and treats and dog-related stuff. One of the more memorable items was “flourless cake mix for dogs.” You know, in case you want to spend a Sunday baking a cake for your dog, which wouldn’t be sad at all.

With that in mind, lets take a look at what’s inside the gift bag for the 2013 Oscars, shall we?

…a goody bag, worth some $45,000.

Last year’s was worth $60,000. THANKS, OBAMA.

US marketing firm Distinctive Assets will deliver them directly to the homes of Oscar contenders who are not lucky enough to carry off a statuette, even though the practice of officially handing out presents to Academy award nominees and presenters was stopped in 2007.
The bags are not endorsed by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences; Ampas stopped its own gift-giving six years ago after the US tax authorities demanded that the recipients declare them and pay tax on them. Distinctive Assets began its own service in 2003.

The bags will contain:

• Trips to Australia, Hawaii and Mexico

• Personal training sessions

• Condoms

• A bottle of tequila

Hopefully it’s that tequila Michael Imperioli endorses, the kind that thinks your tequila is faggy because it doesn’t have a little shot glass in the top. I think for their next commercial, they should go with “No, I said your tequila is NOT alright Spider.”

• Hand-illustrated tennis shoes

Because that’s the first thing actors look for in an athletic shoe, quality of illustration. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to be doing anything athletic in them. That’s what tap shoes and ballet slippers are for.

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In a sad, sad indication of our times, this year at the Oscars it seems the economic downturn has affected even the giving-free-shit-to-celebrities industry.

“The country has shifted, and I think that bling is out,” said Jane Ubell-Meyer from Madison and Mulholland, which bills itself as a VIP gift bag and product placement company. “I think that people are a little more conservative and they don’t want to flaunt it in everyone’s faces.”
Madison and Mulholland is focusing on “affordable luxury” [like corndogs and masturbating? -ed] this year. Ubell-Meyer said that it was important to create what she hopes is a respectful and thoughtful image.

That’s right, a bitch who makes a living getting companies to pay her to give their shit away for free wants you to know she feels your pain, Joe Shitkicker.  She’s not planning to actually help, mind you, but she’ll be careful not to rev her Bentley too loudly on her way past your hovel. That would be tacky.

Freebies this year will be scaled back from the “old days” — before this year’s recession and last year’s writers’ strike — to include a high-end vacuum cleaner worth several hundred dollars, a handbag worth about $200, a toothbrush sanitizing gadget for around $30 and handmade jewelry.

But one of the biggest suites in Hollywood is still going all out. Gavin Keilly, CEO of GBK Productions [aka Some Dipshit's Initials, LLC], told CNN that plenty of high-end products were scheduled for his lounge.

“It’s amazing to me that even in these times, [companies are showing off big-ticket items],” he said. “I think it is even more blingy.”

Among those “blingy” items: $10,000 vacations to a destination spa, $8,000 to $18,000 watches, and a year’s worth of Botox, Restylane and microdermabrasion valued at $3,000.

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