In the new G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe doesn’t stand for “Government Issue” anymore, it stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity*.  Most people would agree that’s a stupid idea, but predictably, the guy yelling the loudest about it is a guy from the National Review who wants to take a time machine back to the make-believe past where white people invented rock and roll and blacks could only be mayor if Michael J. Fox told them to.  There might be a substantive discussion to be had somewhere in here, but since these stupid shows always need to have representatives from imaginary “pro” and “con” camps, it mainly devolves into:

Angry Guy 1: G.I. JOE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE I REMEMBER!  I’M ANGRY!  THINK OF THE SOLDIERS IN FALLUJAH!

Angry Guy 2: YOU’RE IGNORANT!  THIS IS BUSINESS!  THINK OF THE INVESTORS!

But I have to concede guy one might have a small point: why do we always think we have to water stuff down so it appeals to a larger audience?  Anyway, it’s kind of a myth.  The more generalized a product becomes, the less appealing it is to a specific audience.  So when you set out to make something with “universal appeal”, your best-case scenario is something like Transformers 2, where you ask people what they thought and they sort of shrug and go, “Well, if you like pieces of sh*t, you’ll f*cking love this piece of sh*t.”  It seems like there are a lot people out there who are proud of the amount of money they made, but not so proud of the actual product they sold to make them that money. Which to me seems dishonest. But bottom line, G.I. Joe isn’t red, white, and blue anymore because Obama is a secret Mexican.

*I know this was rumored early on, but whether it made it into the final film, I haven’t seen confirmed by a reliable source.

It’s fun seeing how much G.I. Joe is going to suck, and in that regard, this latest clip DOES. NOT. DISAPPOINT.  This must be some of the finest dialogue ever hastily scribbled on a napkin in crayon.

GENERAL HAWK: [To Duke] You scored in the top half percent of all the people we’ve ever tested.  And Rip, if we average your scores with Dukes, you’d pass too.
[Laughter]

AHAHAHAHA, GET IT?? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THE BLACK GUY ISN’T SMART!  LET’S ALL TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF AND WORK OUT!  Later, Ripcord decides to chat up Scarlett while she reads “The Aufbay Principle” – it’s a book about science, because she is a scientist, you see, and scientists read science books while they work out.  Don’t let her jiggly sports bra fool you! (the extra ‘T’ in Scarlett stands for “Titties for days, y’all!)

RIP:  Look, I think you and me got off on the wrong foot.  See, I’m attracted to you, and you, you’re attracted to me.
SCARLETT: We’re attracted to each other.
RIP: THANK YOU!
SCARLETT:  That’s what you’re saying.  It’s not what I’m saying.
RIP: It’s not?
SCARLETT: Attraction is an emotion.  Emotions are not based in science.  And if you can’t quantify or prove that something exists… in my mind it doesn’t.

Oh right, she doesn’t believe EMOTIONS EXIST, because EMOTIONS aren’t BASED IN SCIENCE.  Because SHE is a SCIENTIST, you see!  WOOOF.  Man, I gotta find me a redheaded skeptic.  They always have awesome jugs.

We’re less than a month away from the G.I. Joe release and the promotion machine is kicking into high gear, probably hoping to squeeze every last dollar out of opening weekend before the inevitable 70% second-weekend drop.  The picture above is from a batch of publicity stills that have been going around.  Funny how you can tell a movie’s going to suck from a single frame.  I see Dennis Quaid’s wearing his blue camo, in case of a sea assault, or maybe green would’ve clashed with his hat.  And am I seeing little shiny things on his uniform?  What are those, military-grade rhinestones?  Ooh, look out!  There’s a Borg behind you!  And he’s got… a vest and a turtleneck!

When you’re trying to market a movie as crappy as Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe, the key is finding people low on intelligence and easily impressed by shiny things.  Ehh, oh!  I think I found ya taahget audience right heah *points crotch towards Jersey shore*.  Writes LatinoReview reader “BJ”:

I was sitting on the beach in Ocean Grove, NJ yesterday when a Black [sic] helicopter stopped to hover just off shore about 35 feet in the air. All of the fourth of July revelers hoarding the beach [sic] ran towards the water to see what was going on.

Then as it slowly approached shore, a rope ladder rolled out and what appeared to be a diver climbed to the bottom of the rope ladder. As I approached the water’s edge, the helicopter the gleaming black helicopter [sic... you get it] turned only to reveal the G.I. Joe Movie logo as the diver began to wave. The helicopter the proceeded to hover south down the shore with the diver hanging on just over the water for as far south as we could see.

It was very cool as it felt like GI Joe had come to life for me and [it was] effective as EVERYONE I ran into on the Jersey Shore was talking about it.

Jesus, is it just me or does “BJ” write like a porn spambot?  But anyway, yeah, dude, a guy climbed down a rope ladder and waved at you, you were practically in the movie.  That sounds like real combat the way Axe body spray smells like someone who showered.

I’ve already posted a bunch of TV Spots and trailers for Stephen Sommers’ epically ill-advised G.I. Joe movie, and this new one’s only slightly different. That’s why I’ve helpfully set the video to skip the foreplay and start at the most hilarious part! Get it? Marlon Wayans fell down! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Who says you can’t have laughs in an action movie?

I was also sitting here trying to figure out what song was playing during the next scene, because even though whatever it was had been thoroughly Linkin Park-ified it, the riff sounded strangely familiar. Then I realized: it’s “Crazy Train.” Because they crazily jump through a train, you see. I hope whoever came up with that one was rewarded with a red ball or a herring.

UPDATE: Commenter Bradyohnine correctly points out that the song is “Undead” by Hollywood Undead. But the riff in that song is still the opening riff from “Crazy Train.” I can demonstrate on guitar for you if you’d li– Hey! Where’s everyone going?