Yeah, so there’s going to be a G.I. Joe sequel. And that’s apparently such a minor and unsurprising news item that the LA Times all but breezed through it in a longer article about box office grosses:
[G.I. Joe's box office was] certainly good enough for Paramount to claim victory, however, and start thinking about the future. The studio’s vice chairman, Rob Moore, confirmed that a sequel will soon go into development. The film’s lead actors are contractually obligated to return for another film, though director Stephen Sommers is not.
Well I hope Stephen Sommers doesn’t ask for too much money, and can find time in his schedule between The Mummy 6 or The League of Extraordinary Werewolves or whatever. Otherwise, I don’t know what could happen to this franchise. But as long as Channing Tatums is there to mumble and stare vacant eyed while Marlon Wayans slips on banana peels I’m sure everything will be fine.
Despite their epically sleazy the-soldiers-who-defend-your-freedom-want-you-to-see-it marketing campaign, Paramount made $56.2 million on their G.I. Joe movie. The sad thing about even the most blatantly phony, transparent pandering is that it usually works. Oh hey look, Toby Keith bought a new cowboy hat. Anyway, it’s not Transformers money, but it’s enough for execs to say “well look how well G.I. Joe and Transformers did!” as they try to defend their decision to greenlight the next movie based on a board game or parlor trick. Thing is, though G.I. Joe and Transformers are technically based on a toy, they also both had old cartoons and the accompanying nostalgia on which to draw. If the View-Master movie does anywhere near this kind of business, I promise I’ll chug a pint of hobo piss.
Elsewhere, Julie and Julia was number two with $20.1 million. Surprising that there were so many people that couldn’t just wait to see it on a plane. Hard to tell if it will hold or drop immediately, but critics are already calling it the plane-yest movie of the summer.
Most everything else made a not-particularly-noteworthy $7 or $8 million (though Funny People declined a sharp 65%). And pour a little beer out on a hooker for The Hangover, which dropped out of the top 10 for the first week since its release. Though at -35%, it had the smallest decline for wide releases for the fifth weekend in a row, and still managed the number 11 spot. It just goes to show, people really want to see Zach Galifianakis get blown by an old chick.
G.I. Joe
Paramount hired a director known for making crappy movies to make this crappy movie, then they made G.I. Joe an international police force so they could sell it to foreign markets, and then, to deflect criticism when they wouldn’t show their crappy movie to critics, they all put on flag pins and tried to perpetuate that whole red state/blue state bullsh-t again. Class-y. I will however give them credit for calling the movie “The Rise of Cobra” and then putting out a commercial in which the only line of dialog is “What did you say your unit was called?” I call mine Sergeant Slaughter.
Julia & Julia
Nora Ephron’s film telling the parallel stories of Julia Child (Meryl Streep) working her way up the ranks of French cooking and Julie Somethingorother (Amy Adams) writing a blog about Julia Child. Why do we need to see the second one again?
A Perfect Getaway
Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich are on their Honeymoon in Hawaii. But will their dream vacation (*RECORD SCRATCH*) become a waking nightmare? (*mouthfart*)
I Sell the Dead (limited)
Dominic Monaghan sells corpses to Ron Perlman. Doesn’t look like my cup o’ tea, probably because I only drink whiskey. Whiskey and chainsaws.
Paper Heart (limited)
I keep calling this one “When Harry Meta Sally” because I came up with that a few months ago and someone told me it was clever (thanks, mom). Anyway, Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi fall in love but it’s awkward, because they are awkward people. I don’t know if I’ll end up seeing this this weekend but I kinda wanna go eat hot wings with the little black girl. She seems like my type, and by that I mean I think I could overpower her.
Cold Souls (limited)
Paul Giamatti stars in the Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a guy who sells his soul, because he’s so drained from rehearsals for Chekhov’s Uncle Vanya. A character obsessed with Chekhov earns a special, limited edition “dismissive slow wank” from me.
(“Dey make me wear thees ovair my eye so dat I don’t get esleepy.”)
Paramount’s decision to only screen G.I. Joe for critics handpicked by the studio and their phoney-baloney empty gestures at patriotism (they won’t actually put the US military in their movie but they’ll bend over backwards to use them for marketing – you’re not fooling anyone, you pieces of sh*t) were looking good as of a few days ago when the film was tracking 91% on rottentomatoes. Now that a few people have actually seen it… not so much. It’s down to 41% as of this writing, and the only point of contention seems to be whether it’s just really stupid, or so stupid that it’s kind of fascinating, like a retard who remembers to breathe. I think the British reviews are my favorite:
“You wonder how the actors kept straight faces making this shameless codswallop.” -The Daily Express.
Codswallop? Did he just compare the movie to getting hit with a fish? I think that’s my new favorite word. “Waiter? Back to the kitchen, and take this codswallop with you! We are men, not grizzly bears.”
“I was more excited by last week’s G-Force 3-D, if only because the guinea pigs give the better performances.” -The Independent. [ho snap!]
“G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobblers, as it must now be known, is a 118-minute war crime that does for the army what Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau did for the French police force – except with more fake-looking explosions.” -NewsoftheWorld
Rise of Cobblers? Is… he saying fixing shoes… is a war crime? I’m so confused.
Watching “G.I. Joe” is like being slapped across the face with utility-grade meat for two hours and for all I know, that is exactly what screenwriters Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett did to get themselves in the proper frame of mind. -eFilmCritic
Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Allow me to paraphrase: “YOUR MOVIE IS LIKE GETTING SLAPPED WITH POOR PEOPLE DICKS, YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE HOBBIE.”
Sometimes I get caught up in this insular, nerdy world of movie news and take stories for granted. Anyway, I thought this was obvious, but I guess it’s a story – G.I. Joe will not screen for critics. /Film has a nice little rundown on past movies not screened for critics here, but basically, not screening for critics is a tacit admission that the movie sucks. If you’re confident in your product, you want to get it to as many people as possible and create all the positive word of mouth you can. Paramount clearly doesn’t expect much of a positive reaction, so it chose instead to handpick critics who are easy lays like Harry Knowles and shun the rest (and it seems to be working, as it’s gotten mostly positive reviews so far). But of course, to hear them tell it, they wanted to screen it for the Real Fans in Real America, not those elitist commy fags on the coast, with their berets and fancy expresso drank.
The studio says it’s intentionally aiming the movie at the heartland, at cities and audiences outside the entertainment vortexes of New York and Los Angeles. Paramount held a screening Friday for 1,000 military service members and their families at Andrews Air Force Base; it’s also focusing marketing efforts in places like Kansas City, Charlotte, N.C., and Columbus, Ohio.
Because people in the cities and people in the country couldn’t possibly hope to enjoy the same things!
While appealing to a sense of patriotism nationwide [editor's note: False], the plan also is inspired by the disparity that existed between the critical trashing “Transformers: Rise of the Fallen” received and the massive crowds it drew at the box office.
Shocking. Though you’d think a studio that actually cared about negative reviews wouldn’t have hired Stephen Sommers in the first place.
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