“We should keep the part with the El Camino for sure.”

I won’t pretend like GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was the best movie that we’ve ever seen. I won’t even pretend like it was a good movie. But it was what it was – a movie about a cartoon about toys. So when you’re working with that goofy of a concept, you don’t necessarily expect the film’s writers to submit a screenplay for a modern day Citizen Kane, but David Elliot and Paul Lovett still did their jobs, along with co-writer Stuart Beattie, and $300 million later, Rise of Cobra was sort of a success*.

And in this day and age, a “sort of” success is typically good enough for a sequel, so naturally GI Joe: Retaliation was a go. But instead of Marlon Wayans and Dennis Quaid, Retaliation teamed The Rock and Bruce Willis with Channing Tatum (for a few minutes) and instead of Elliot, Lovett and Beattie, writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick were recruited. The result is $355 million and counting at the global box office.

Oh, and a huge lawsuit from Elliot and Lovett, who are accusing Paramount, MGM, Hasbro and Lorenzo Di Bonaventura of stealing their ideas.

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As we all know, 2012 was the year C-Tates broke, with the hardest twerkin man in show business scoring huge hits with The Vow ($196 million worldwide), 21 Jump Street ($202 million), and Magic Mike ($167 million). Who would’ve thought 21 Jump Street would get a sequel? People liked him so much that Paramount pushed the release of GI Joe: Retaliation back almost a year just five weeks before its originally-scheduled opening. Well guess what? It made $41.2 million over the weekend and Paramount has already ordered the sequel. He is risen.

The G.I. Joe sequel grossed an estimated $41.2 million this weekend, which ranks as the second-highest Easter debut ever behind 2010′s Clash of the Titans ($61.2 million). Including Thursday, the movie has earned $51.7 million; that’s a bit below G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra‘s $54.7 million three-day start in August 2009. For its three major stars, this is also a potent opening: it ranks third-highest for Channing Tatum, second-highest for The Rock, and it’s remarkably the top debut ever for a Bruce Willis movie.

I don’t what part of that last sentence is more incredible, that Bruce Willis’s highest-opening movie is GI Joe 2, or that Channing Tatum already has two higher-opening movies than Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis! That’s incredible. He’s been a movie star since C-Tates was sagging his diapers.

Elsewhere, Tyler Perry continued to print money with Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor, starring Kim Kardashian, which earned $22.3 million. Can you believe that’s not a joke? I’m still not convinced.

It’s also Perry’s ninth movie ever to open over $20 million; the only two other directors who have that many $20 million debuts are Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis. [BoxOfficeMojo]

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They’re watching Rise of Cobra.

Opening Everywhere: GI Joe: Retaliation, The Host, Temptation, The Place Beyond the Pines

Movie That I’m Going To Hunt Down Even If I Have To Walk 500 Miles: Room 237 (It’s a documentary about The Shining)

Special Plug: The Manson Family is being re-released for another limited theater run, with the following upcoming cities and dates:

3/30/2013 Landmark’s Sunshine Cinema – New York, NY
3/30/2013 Alamo Drafthouse Vintage Park – Houston, TX
4/03/2013 Granoff Center for the Arts – Providence, RI
4/05/2013 Landmark’s Ritz Bourse – Philadelphia, PA
4/05/2013 Landmark’s Egyptian Theatre – Seattle, WA
4/06/2013 Landmark’s Egyptian Theatre – Seattle, WA

You can check out the rest of the upcoming dates and details here.

FilmDrunk Suggests: Spicy Nacho Doritos. Oh, you mean for a movie? I don’t know, people are actually telling me good things about GI Joe: Retaliation – at least from the “Dude, it’s hilarious” point of view – so maybe that. Especially since a very significant plot point was already spoiled for me. Hold on… yes, I’m being told via Morse code that GI Joe: Retaliation has no plot points. Carry on.

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Guys, I’ve been drowning in unwritten reviews from SXSW (still got a couple more of those to finish, get excited!). But don’t you worry, I didn’t forget about This Week in Posters. Better late than never, right?? It’s true for periods, at least. Okay, let’s get into it.

AFTER EARTH: Ah, what a perfectly generic poster perfectly befitting the King Midas of mediocrity, Will Smith, pictured here with his dumb wiener kid, Jaden. The Smith’s whole MO is to constantly shove their dumb kids down your throat, and then, when you rightly protest, now they’ve suddenly got an empowering message to deliver about standing up to your “haters” and having the courage to be yourself. Which becomes the righteous justification to shove them down your throat even further.

As for the poster, it’s the old silhouette trick, employed here slightly more adeptly than, say, Street Fighter. And at least they got the names and faces lined up, right? See? They’re not even good at being hateable.

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“Hold on, neither of you is a baller or a playboy.”

After being pushed back nearly an entire year, G.I. Joe: Retaliation finally hits theaters on March 27, and it goes without saying that the problem with this sequel is that it doesn’t have nearly enough Channing Tatum. Paramount officials tried to say the film was delayed because they wanted to add 3D and whatever, but we all know it’s because nobody wanted to watch C-Tates get killed off in the film’s opening minutes, like he’s some kind of Steven Seagal in Executive Decision.

Whether or not C-Tate’s life has been spared so he can make a return in G.I. Joe 3: Hey Cobra, Do U Like Deez? isn’t known, but he apparently doesn’t die and people like that better. And the mad love for C-Tates shows in one of the two new Retaliation clips released this week, as the first features The Rock… I’m sorry, Dwayne Johnson pumping his troops up with some Jay-Z. But yo playboy, Errbody knows C-Tates B down wit Nas, holla atcha Illmatic, son.

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