I will never stop being amused by the night-vision monocle guy in the background

Bruce Willis is in negotiations to join the cast of the upcoming sequel to G.I. Joe. Willis would play General Joe Coulton in GI Joe 2: Retaliation, which is set to be directed by Jon M. Chu, previously of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never and LXD: The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers. …Wait, what? HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS WAS A SHOW???

Willis is in negotiations to play General Joe Colton, considered to be the founder of the Joe squad. The character never appeared in the original “Joe” cartoons, and he’ll make his live-action debut with the sequel.

Given Colton’s high rank, it’s likely that Willis’ role is lighter on the combat side and heavier on barking the orders that make the action happen. In fact, on the surface, the Colton role sounds pretty similar to the one occupied by Dennis Quaid in the first “G.I. Joe” movie. He played General Hawk, then commander of the team; there’s been no word on whether or not Quaid’s returning for a sequel. [MTV]

Well frankly, I think that’s just blah blah something something headdesk fartsnooze. (*donkey sound*)

It was recently brought to my attention that Paramount’s VIP Fan Club auctions various items from hit movies on eBay. Among the items currently listed are Sienna Miller’s Gucci high heels from GI Joe, Alice Eve’s Marc Jacobs high heels from She’s Out of My League, and Michelle Williams’s dress and poncho from Shutter Island. But currently leading the bidding at $316.99 is the screen shirt and camo pants worn in GI Joe by none other than FilmDrunk favorite Channing Tatum. And with less than 4 days left to bid, my good friend C-Tates wanted to stop by and inspire the bidding process.

AWWWWWWWWWW YEAH!!! YA BOI C-TATES GOIN’ ONCE, GOIN’ TWICE, GOIN’… um… FREE TIMES, SON! Yo girl, check it – Now is yo chance, to buy C-Tate’s pants, just open them and enter, and you can save da rec center. Yo girl, that’s f*ckin’ poetry, son. Yeah, you knows you was all like, “Oh snap, dat C-Tates hella fine wit da kung fu grip on my pepperoni nip as Duke” and now you can buy da camo pants I was rockin’ in dat movie. Yo girl, you know I won dat Best Actor 4 GI Joe 4 realz, so deez pants is like legit flava gear, right?

But yo girl, we gots some serious heat comin’. My pants is like $316 right now, right? Dats like 6 months of Boost Mobile bills, yo. But dis cracka Jay Baruchel is all up in C-Tates’ grill like, “Yo C-Tates, you ain’t sh*t, son” and I’m like, “Yo beeyayeetch, ain’t no playa ever save a rec center in no hockey jersey, WHAT!” And he ain’t back down, for reals. His sh*t just chillin’ at $305, like it ain’t no thang. Mutha f*cka, ain’t no girl outta C-Tates league, too proper, too fine.

Yo girl, you need to call yo sister, and yo sister’s mama, and yo baby mama, and yo fine cousin wit dem coconut tittays and you needs to buy my mutha f*ckin gear, bitch. Else C-Tate ain’t throwin’ down no game. Like Diddy say, It’s all about the Benjamins, proper. Pray 4 Biggie, heard.
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The winners of the 2010 Teen Choice Awards will be announced tonight at 8 p.m. on Fox, and while we certainly don’t want to ruin the most prestigious night in the entertainment industry for all of you – and I assume it’s all of you – who will be watching. However, my good friend and FilmDrunk favorite, Channing Tatum, has won the Teen Choice Award for Choice Movie Actor: Action Adventure for his harrowing performance as Duke Hauser in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. And, of course, he’s so excited and elated that he asked if he could share his acceptance speech with us in advance.

Yo girl, yo teen girl, and yo parents of teen girl who allowed yo girl to vote for C-Tates, it is wit great humidity that I accept this honor as yo choice actor for G.I. Jeezy-Joe. And yo girl, I gots to say… YA BOI C-TATES FOR REALZ, SON WHAT! Yo, I knows I was super dope fly like Goldblum in da G.I. Joe, heard? I’m all like, Yo Cobra suck deez nutz, right? And Joey Lauren Adams is all like, Yo I’m Cobra Commander, what bitch? And Marlon Wayans is like, Yo C-Tates, light this cracka up! And I’m like, Yeah beeyotch, you gots to answer to the C-Tates, son.

But yo, it ain’t over. We gots the sequel comin for real, and C-Tates gon be back like a heart attack. Yo girl, dis is da start of somefin realz, nawmsayin? It’s like, first C-Tates wins da Teen Choice Award. Then I be all like, I’d like to thank the Academy and sh*t. Then I’mma be like, Yo Source Awards, this is a honor, true dat. Then I be all, Yo girl, thanks for dis Nobel Prize for Workin’ Dat Ass, ya feel me, playboy?

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(This is gonna be a hell of a bris)

Inglourious Basterds predictably took the top spot with $37.6 million, but unpredictably took in quite a bit more than expected and earned Quentin Tarantino his biggest international opening weekend so far, according to Nikke Finke.  The film has already earned back approximately half of it’s budget.  I kind of wish I didn’t want to see this movie, so I could recycle my own joke and say, “I can’t wait to nazi this.”

District 9 dropped almost 50% in it’s second week, earning $18.9 million.  It has now grossed 2.5 times its original budget. G.I. Joe dropped 44% in its third week, taking in $12.5 million.  It’s now earned back almost 70% of its budget.  I kind of want to see this in the cheap theater so I can feel like Luke Wilson in Idiocracy.  I’ll just feast my eyes at the human panoply surrounding me and then raise my fists and yell, “I am the king of the windowlickers!  Bring me shiny things and gobstoppers, peasants!”

Among the other films opening last weekend, Shorts opened at #6 with $6.6 million, Post Grad was #10 with $2.8 million, and My One and Only opened on four screens with a per screen average of $15,175.  IFC sent Five Minutes of Heaven to only one theater last weekend, where it earned $5,200.  Liam Neeson reportedly called IFC’s receptionist to leave a message:  If you send my film to more screens next weekend, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

(full top 10 below)
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District 9, which cost $30 million to make, earned the top spot at the box office last weekend with $37 million.  Here’s the story behind this surprise hit and most-tweeted topic on Friday (la dee da) via Nikke Finke:

District 9 director Neill Blomkamp was supposed to be Peter Jackson’s helmer on Halo, which went down in flames. But Peter and his partner Fran Walsh kept Neill in New Zealand to develop his short film, Alive In Joburg. Jackson then turned it into a hard-cover faux graphic novel. That book went to Peter’s longtime manager Ken Kamins to arrange financing and set it up as a film. Ken made the decision to go indie, [...].  The result is not just another Amy Pascal pic starring Adam or Will but, according to the 88% positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, an imaginative, creative, cutting-edge pic made outside the studio system.

That’s right.  Another graphic-novel-turned-movie.  Oh well, at least it wasn’t a gum wrapper or a board game.

G.I. Joe, predictably dropped about 60% in its second week to take the #2 spot with $22.5 million.  The Time Traveler’s Wife took third place with a disappointing $19.2 million weekend (the studio expected at least $25 million).

Among the other films opening last weekend, The Goods opened at #6 with $5.35 million.  Bandslam took 13th place with $2.25 million, earning only $1,061 per screen (ha ha).   Ponyo opened at #9 with $3.5 million.  It Might Get Loud made $14,429 per screen in limited release.  (full top 10 below)

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