GHOST RIDER VS. MACHETE

This site isn’t always about movie stuff that sounds like news, sometimes it’s also about news stuff that sounds like movies. This latest story about an incident in which a machete-wielding man squared off against a main swinging a chain in front of a backdrop of a flaming tow truck in DC most definitely qualifies as the latter. Hell, that sounds like the best Mortal Kombat level ever. Did you hear that tiny explosion sound, the one that sounds like a cross between C4 and a small harp? That was the sound of Michael Bay popping a boner.

A man was arrested for attacking another man with a machete at the scene of a tow truck fire Wednesday at 8150 Richmond Highway.  “We did get a call around 1:18 this afternoon of a tow truck that was on fire, and several calls of a man nearby swinging a chain, fighting a man with a machete,” Fairfax County Police spokesman Eddie Azcarate told Patch. “Officers arrived and were able to take one adult man (with the machete) in custody.” [LortonPatch]

The man with the machete was arrested, Azcárate said, while his chain-lashing opponent suffered minor injuries in the duel. However, he did not require transportation to any hospital. “Presumably he took himself to get checked out,” Azcárate says.

Whatever prompted the fight and the fire is still being investigated, but Azcárate says they are connected.

“One led to the other,” he says. “They’re not necessarily related, but one came from the other.” [Editor's Note: Uh... what?] At least authorities are taking the description of this melee in stride, as reading back the notes Azcárate provided caused a laughing fit. “You’re not the first to chuckle about this,” he says. [DCist]

Oh, so the machete-wielder gets arrested, but the guy swinging the chain gets off scot-free? I guess that’s what he gets for using such an ethnic weapon. This country is RACIST, man.

I like to think those guys were shouting things like “SHABBY CHIC!” and “NO WAY, MODERN ALL THE WAY!”

“Come again, punk? Did you just say Chef Freitag is better than Chef Guarnaschelli?” (*pulls out machete*) “Now answer again, real carefully.”

Ghost Rider is right up there with Catwoman, Daredevil, and Elektra when it comes to being filmed with cameras made of sh’t.  But at least that means no sequels, right?  Well…  Variety reports that Columbia still owns the project and claim to be in talks with David S. Goyer (Batman Begins, Jumper, Blade) to supervise writing on a sequel — with Nic Cage “expected to return” as star.   But it sounds like it could just be talk to keep Marvel from making it.

The activity on “Ghost Rider” follows a flurry of activity on Marvel characters at almost every studio but Disney, which acquired Marvel Entertainment in a $4 billion deal.  Fox is: rebooting “Fantastic Four”; mobilizing a “Wolverine” sequel and several “X-Men” spinoffs; is quietly developing a new version of “Daredevil” and working on a Silver Surfer film [holy punctuation, batman! -Ed.]. Sony recently set James Vanderbilt to write the fifth and sixth installments [!!] of “Spider-Man,” and Universal continues work on “Sub-Mariner.” Paramount continues as distributor for “Iron Man 2” and several others expected to include “Thor” and “Captain America.”

The activity is necessary for those studios to keep the superhero properties. If the properties atrophy, they can be reclaimed by Marvel Entertainment, which happened with Iron Man, which languished at New Line before Marvel turned it into the self-financed blockbuster.

I don’t like this David S. Goyer idea — if you’re going to make a terrible Nic Cage movie, just go the whole nine and make a terrible Nic Cage movie, don’t hire the guy who wrote Batman Begins.  Do it like you did it the first time, hire the guy who wrote a movie about Michael Keaton turning into a snowman.  (Seriously though, last time they hired the guy who wrote a movie about Michael Keaton turning into a snowman).

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This is a clip from Ghost Rider, so I realize that it’s not the least bit new.  But I promised my father on his death bed that I would not rest until the whole world knew what a Kaufman-esque comedic genius Nic Cage is.

[Thanks to Robo for the tip]

The Dark Knight and Iron Man took the superhero movie to new heights this summer, but let’s not forget about the greatest superhero of all time: Nic Cage and his CGI head returning demons to hell on his motorcycle. MTV recently spoke with Cage and about the sequel literally everyone’s been waiting for.

In an interview with MTV News, Cage — who has been garnering much press with the recent announcement that he’d be joining the cast of “Kick-Ass” – talked about “Ghost Rider 2,” and if you’re to believe him, the film is most certainly going to happen — and it’ll have some help from a higher power. “There have been talks and good ones with where to go with the character,” explained Cage. “It looks like it will take place in Europe and the character will work with the [Catholic] Church. It’ll be a completely new experience. It’s exciting.”

One thing they neglected to ask was whether there will be flames on the motorcycle, but come on, you know there’s gonna be f*ckin flames on the motorcycle.

Nic Cage recently took some time away from his kids, Voltron and Fleagle or whatever the hell their names are to do an interview in which he discussed Ghost Rider 2 and National Treasure 3.  If you’ve just slit your wrists, grab a tourniquet because these are nothing more than rumors at the moment (unless you’re really ugly, in which case, sweet dreams).

Today he told ComingSoon.net that he would be interested in doing another Ghost Rider movie. "All they have to do is call, and I would love to see that happen. That would be fun," Cage said.

Fun for whom? The only benefit I can see is that we’d be watching a 3rd-grade CGI flaming skull instead of Cage’s freakishly smooth forehead. Anyone else thinking his creepy hairline bears a striking resemblance to the unmasked versions of RoboCop and Darth Vader these days?  QUICK, PUT THE MASK BACK ON, CAGE!

"With ‘National Treasure,’ I believe that it should become more and more ‘International Treasure,’ Cage told us. "I was very happy to see that we went to London, England and Paris, France, but I’d like to see the movie go wider still. I’d like to go into Africa, Egypt, Asia, and keep going. My hope is that Ben is recruited and he gets a dossier from these other countries about their history, and has to download it and learn it, and then try to go on these hunts on their behalf. That would be a lot of fun for me." 

Oh go f-ck yourself.