Over the weekend, the big news going around was Sly Stallone discussing the possibility of Rocky 7 in an interview with zee Germans.  Here’s the translation, via Cinematical:

‘I know people would laugh at it, as I would if someone were making The Godfather Part 10. Enough! But I also know that if I succeed, it will be because this is a film about aging, not about boxing. I know it will provoke criticism. Even my wife said to me, Leave it. You’ll embarrass the children. But I said, if I do not try, I am a very unfortunate man. One must do it. Artists like me have to go through the dark over and over again.’

Naturally, everyone picked up on the story and was all like “Rocky 7? OMG WTF ROFLJO!”  However, according to some German speakers over on CHUD, the translation was wrong and Sly was actually speaking in the past tense about Rocky Balboa, not about a new Rocky movie.  There will be no Rocky 7.  There, now you can make your friends who bring up Rocky 7 in conversation look like total A-holes.  Meanwhile, when Stallone refers to himself as an artist, I picture something like this:

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Today there’s an article in Slate about the side-by-side headshot comparison of Tom Cruise and Klaus von Stauffenberg which United Artists had released as part of the publicity push for Valkyrie.

Like most Slate articles, it’s about five times as long as it needs to be and sprinkled liberally with I-hope-I-sound-smart words.  But the gist is that UA (gasp) altered the original photo of Stauffenberg to make him look more like Tom Cruise.  You can see Slate’s side-by-side comparison photo above.  The original AP photo of Stauffenberg is on the left, the version of Stauffenberg used in the UA ad in the middle.  Clearly, the nose, eyebrows, cheekbones and width of the head have all been altered.  They have an overlay that shows the alterations even more clearly here.  It’s like everything I know has turned out to be a lie!  Please, Slate, let me go back in time and choose the blue pill!

FilmDrunk has learned that the photo of Tom Cruise was also doctored slightly, and has obtained a copy of the original.  In related news, I think a great name for a German pornstar would be Claus von Schtuppenberg.

This may be the greatest news lede of all time.  I can’t believe this isn’t a joke.

The company behind "American Idol" is developing a black comedy about Adolf Hitler’s early years.

I think I just came.

"Mein Kampf," based on a dark farce by Hungarian playwright George Tabori, is set in a Vienna hostel before World War One. In the play, an insecure Hitler is befriended by an elderly Jew who gives him his infamous hair style and toothbrush mustache.  Tom Schilling ("Elementary Particles") will star as Hitler, and Goetz Georg as his Jewish friend, Schlomo Herzl. Urs Odermatt will direct the production, which starts shooting in Vienna this week. UFA plans to release the film in Germany next year. [Yahoo]

A Germany company making a comedy about Hitler, huh?  That sounds like a great idea.  I might approach them about financing my hilarious action comedy starring Colin Farrell as a Cambodian secret policeman vacationing in Belgium, Khmer Bruges. Or my German menopause film, Mein Cramps.   

I’m calling BS on this one.

Not surprisingly, someone wants to make a movie about Knüt the Polar Bear. And honestly people, am I the only one who’s not too lazy to make a goddamned ümlaut? We all know he’s not named Nutt, or Ca-Nutt. 

According to German newspaper B.Z., producer Ash R. Shah and his firm, The Animation Picture Company, which brought us the movie version of Garfield, offered the Zoo Berlin $5 million for the rights to Knut’s [sic] story.
"With his friendly character, he’s serves as an ambassador for the Earth’s problems – climate change and the melting polar ice caps. A movie about Knut [sic] would affect people all over the world," Shah told the paper.
…Shah added of his plans, "I see the heartwarming relationship between Knut and his caretaker, Thomas Doerflein at the center of the movie … Suri [Cruise] could speak the English voice of Knut [sic]." [People]

Yeah, that’ll happen.  Hey, remember when Hollywood adapted that book about talking polar bears written by an Atheist but took out all the Atheist parts and the churchy types boycotted it anyway?  I’m sure they’ll be super stoked about a climate change parable starring Scientology’s poster baby.

Maybe if they change the phenomenon "global warming" to "fags and Mexicans make Jesus hot under the collar".  So as not to offend anyone, of course.