I once heard that if you say Uwe Boll’s name three times in a row, he shows up at your house around midnight and forces you to drink a bottle of absinthe with him, shirtless. It’s an old wives’ tale really, but just in case, in the unlikely event that you ever do find yourself bare chested and fraternizing with the enemy, I want you to have at least one mutual topic you can share. Enter the OFFICIAL TRAILER for Blubberella, Uwe Boll’s latest thing that he pointed a camera at. Vince first reported on this about two weeks ago and I’m proud to say that the concept is still just as awful as it ever was: a superhero comedy about an overweight half-vampire who fights nazis? Yes, correct, that was a question -because not even I am totally sure of anything these days.

Trailer begins as some kind of Holocaust memorial video, but then quickly turns inbred slapstick Vaudeville, at the drop of a dime. So please enjoy blatant fat kid joke after blatant fat kid joke. Mark my words: come awards season, ballot chads will be punched.

Official trailer after the jump:

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Clint Howard is looking better

Fresh off his awesome-looking Auschwitz movie, which in turn followed quickly on the heels of his brilliant-looking Darfur movie with a misspelled trailer starring Billy Zane (side note: it’s almost as if he’s not taking much time on these), Uwe Boll is going back to intentional comedy with Blubberella.  It’s about a fat superhero and co-stars Clint Howard, much like my bizarro-world sex fantasies.  Twitch discovered the project in the American Film Market listings:

…by my count at least his third directorial effort of the year along with Bloodrayne: The Third Reich and Auschwitz. This one? Horror comedy Blubberella. The pitch?

The first female fat superhero … She will kick major ass – with her major ass …

All the BLOODRAYNE fans will love that movie!

All the Bloodrayne fans?  Why stop there, why not every dyslexic eskimo in Green Bay?

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The idea that an actor could undergo a drastic transformation for a role and automatically become a candidate for critical acclaim dursted right around the time Jared Leto almost died gaining 60 pounds for a movie that grossed less than 60 grand.  Still, deliberate, drastic weight gain or loss is an important tool for actors to feel important.  And now, evil scientists from Germany want to change all that.

Scientists in Germany have developed software that can make actors appear thinner, fatter, taller or more buff on screen.
The program MovieReshape, developed by researchers at Germany’s Max Planck Institute, could mean an end to actors risking their health by gaining or losing dangerous amounts to suit a role. Think of Robert de Niro adding 60 pounds for “Raging Bull” or Christian Bale dropping nearly 70 lbs for “The Machinist.”
The software can alter an actor’s muscle tone or body shape and can be used on existing video material. In one test of the program, scientists took a sequence of “Baywatch” and buffed up a lead actor, making him seem even more muscular than in real life.

Jesus, what is it with Germans and Baywatch?  Leave David Chokachi alone. Making his body more perfect than normal could tear a hole in the fabric of space-time like the Large Hadron Collider.

“You could use it to do something similar to what they did to Brad Pitt on ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,’ making him younger or older but much faster and with less computing power,” Scientist Christian Theobalt said. “What would take days using conventional SFX software our model can do in a matter of hours.”
Another potential cost-saver would be on commercials. Theobalt said instead of using several different actors for a spot shown around the world, a common practice for many products, an advertiser could shoot one and adjust their physical characteristics to suit local “standards of beauty.” [THR]

(*drops burnt cork and oversized red lipstick*)  The software can do what now?  Aw, dammit.  I knew I was going to have to get a new gig sooner or later.  (*softshoes offstage*)

“Hmmm, I like this Brad Pitt fellow, but could you make him… more Chinese?”

“…Enhance. …Enhance. …”

Two women in England broke the first rule of corpse disposal over the weekend, which is that you can hide, but you can’t run.  Hey, know the difference between Alka-Seltzer and a hooker?  Hookers don’t fizz when you dissolve them.  So I’ve heard.

Police have arrested two women after they tried to take the body of a dead relative on to a plane at Liverpool John Lennon Airport. Staff became suspicious when they tried to check in 91-year-old Curt Willi Jarant, who was wearing sunglasses, for a flight to Berlin on Saturday.  The women – his widow and step-daughter – said they thought he was asleep.
They were arrested on suspicion of failing to give notification of a death, police said. The pair, who are German nationals but live in Oldham, Greater Manchester, have been released on bail until 1 June.

Ahh, the old sunglasses-on-a-corpse trick.  You put a cigarette in his mouth and a beer in his hand, you got yourself a conversation piece.  Trust me, it’s how granddad would’ve wanted it.

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Most people remember 1995′s Showgirls for its bizarre take on sexuality, like Elizabeth’s Berkeley orgasm scene where she flopped around like an epileptic on a bender.  That scene screwed me up for years, before I realized the female orgasm was a myth.  Then she licked the stripper pole, which is about as sexy as licking the floor of a subway, except worse, because whores don’t rub their vaginas on the floor of a subway.  What few people remember, however, is that it was a massive production and that MGM actually paid $2 million for Joe Eszterhas’ script.

Anyway, now the trailer for the sequel is here (below), and it’s none of those things.  When we heard about it last year, it supposedly had a $25 million budget.  It now  appears they spent $24.99 million of that on coke and hired a high school kid to direct it.  It starts with a naked chick falling out of a hot tub and crawling across the floor like a worm, before getting “bludgeoned” by another chick.  And by bludgeoned I mean lightly tapped on the head because they couldn’t afford stunts or editing equipment.  Enjoy the extended trailer because I wouldn’t expect to see this in theaters or at home, unless you want to send a money order and wait 6-8 weeks, and even then you’ll need a laserdisc player.

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