What do you get when you hire Louis Leterrier (Unleashed, Transporter 2, and The Incredible Hulk) to remake Clash of the Titans as a pandering mashup of 300 and every “guy movie” made in the last five years?
And the tagline? TITANS. WILL. CLASH. Brilliant. I bet the marketing department went double pits to chesty when they thought up that one. Hard to tell what it’s actually about from the, but the synopsis claims it “follows Perseus (Sam Worthington) on his quest to battle Medusa and the Kraken in order to save the Princess Andromeda.” Yeah? And Prince Androgyna here thinks he’s going to save her? Pff, nice skirt, Fagamemnon. -This commentary provided by Diablo Cody.
This is the first trailer for the Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer joint, Prince of Persia. An early version of it leaked online last night and some movie bloggers were having a big fight over whether it’s morally acceptable to post bootleg trailers before the official release from the studio. To which I say, hey, get over (y)ourselves. It’s a commercial for a movie, not the polio vaccine.
As for the movie in question, holy God what the hell is this? I see they’ve reimagined ancient Persia as a land of spray-tanned white people with English accents. Meanwhile, cameras swoop and spin through spatially ambiguous CGI landscapes while Gemma Arterton whispers expository dialog in your ear like she wants to do you. At least in the 2012 trailer you could kind of tell what was going on (i.e., CALIFORNIA IS GOING DOWN!). In this one, Jake Gyllenhaal is running from… uh… something… and he dives… sideways? Up? Down? I don’t even know. Oh, and he’ll be speaking in that British accent the entire movie. A movie about a magic dagger that… uh… controls time*. You’ve done it again, Bruckheimer, you amazingly talented genius, you.
[available in better quality over at IGN but I don't like their embeddable player]
*And that this is also the plot of the video game it’s based on doesn’t make it any less of a stupid idea. It makes it even more of a stupid idea.
Sony Pictures Classics has just spent in “the mid-seven figures” on Stephen Frears’ adaptation of the graphic novel Tamara Drewe. WOOHOO! Bring on the ninja vampires and octopus f’ck parties! …right?
Up-and-coming Brit starlet Gemma Arterton will play Drewe [the extra 'E' is for 'English' -Ed.], a young newspaper columnist who returns to the country village of her youth and stirs up dark passions among the locals. Guardian cartoonist Posy Simmonds’ graphic novel, a collation of comicstrips published in U.K. newspaper the Guardian, is a modern reimagining of Thomas Hardy’s classic novel “Far From the Madding Crowd.” [Variety]
So… by “dark passions” you mean, like, werewolves and lesbians and sh’t, right?
The art captures British frumpiness so well it’s scary; middle-age spread hulks through this book like sad weight, but it’s less skilled with beauty; Tamara’s looks don’t sway the reader the way they sway the characters in the book. But the view on how feminism has failed in moneyed Britain is priceless. [Amazon/Publisher'sWeekly]
See da main characta, Moira, she’s a shoe shoyne lass she is. But den one day whoilst ‘avin a cup a tea, she ‘as an epiphany, she ‘as. An’ she finks to ‘erself, “Oi, oy weren’ meant ta be da shoe shoyn lass! Oy’s meant to be droivin’ a lorry!” An’ da next fing you know, pow, as Bob’s your uncle, Moira’s become a lorry droiva. So den da rest a da book’s mostly Moira droivin a propa lorry, which is well funny ‘cos she still looks loike a shoe shoyne lass she does. Can you imagine dat? A shoe shoyne lass droivin a propa lorry? Oi, an’ oy reckon da movie’ll be well funny ‘cos we’w get Eddie Izzard ta play Moira we wew. A bloke, dressed as a bird! Can yous imagine dat?
Empire recently posted some new publicity shots from Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, and Ben Kingsley. I never played the video game, but based on these pictures I assume the object was to try to cultivate flowing sex hair (except for poor Special K who has to compensate with eyeliner). Heck, I’d even bang the horse. This looks like it’s going to be for Jake Gyllenhaal what Troy was for Brad Pitt, and everyone’s talking about how buff he got for the role. But whatever, put this pussy in the ring with me. I promise I’ll submit him in 30 seconds. With a c*ck choke! OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!
Hey– who let Jerry O’Bruckheimer into the girl’s locker room? He looks like the emo-est leprechaun. So they think they kin take me lucky charms, do they? We’ll see who has the last laugh once me orthopedic shoes correct me club foot. Until then, I’ll smoke me cloves ‘n take meaninful photographs.
In a revelation as shocking as the news that Andy Garcia once had a siamese twin growing from his shoulder, Quantum of Solace co-star Gemma Arterton recently revealed to Esquire that she’s a polydactyl.
She was born with six fingers on each hand.
“It’s my little oddity that I’m really proud of,” she said to Esquire magazine. “It makes me different.” Different indeed. The condition, called Polydactyly, occurs in 1 of every 500 births.
As a child, the surplus digits were “tied,” which causes the boneless protrusions to fall off with time. She still bares bumpy scars where her extra appendages once were.
Earlier this year, she revealed that she was also born with a crumpled ear, which was surgically corrected in childhood. “I was born with lots of deformities,” the 22-year-old actress told the British press. [Yahoo]
Give her parents credit for allowing her to grow and blossom into the beautiful flower that she is. If my baby came out with 12 fingers and a nubbin ear I doubt I’d be nearly as understanding. “Demon spawn! Burn the witch!” I’d yell at my wife from behind the doctor.
