It was 2009 when we first heard about Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, a film starring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, whose plot you can guess from the title. If it was a Michael Bay or Paul WS Anderson production I’d say it sounded like the worst thing ever (and Michael Bay did indeed want to make a gritty Hansel and Gretel movie at one point), but when it’s Will Ferrel and Adam McKay’s production company Gary Sanchez producing a film by Tommy Wirkola (of Død Snø fame), you hope that it’s well-directed satire. Of course, Hollywood has a way of turning a send-up into a straightforward movie about the thing you were trying to send up (The Change-Up, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter). You can decide whether that’s happened with Hansel after the jump. It looks slightly more tongue-in-cheek than Abe Lincoln Vamp Hunter, but not overtly comedic either, and the fact that it’s being dumped into theaters in January seems to indicate that the studio doesn’t think too highly of it. But Karl Hungus gets head butted in it, so there’s that.

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Here’s Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner in Entertainment Weekly‘s first look at Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (whose trailer is set to hit this Thursday). Now, if you take this as a serious movie, say, in the vein of Snow White and the Huntsman, a wholly unsatirical film in which Chris Hemsworth plays an axe-wielding medieval swordsman who teaches Snow White (played by Kristen Stewart) “the art of war” so that she might do battle (complete with swords and armor and sh*t) with her enemy the evil queen, it sounds like the stupidest thing ever (and yet telling that it’s still totally believable). However, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters comes from Tommy Wirkola (the guy who directed Død Snø, that movie about the blood-puking Nazi zombies) and Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s production company (Gary Sanchez productions); so I’m going to assume that it’s at least a semi-parody. In which case it’s a brilliant idea. Isn’t it amazing how just making something a satire can turn things around like that? Someone should try it with Billy Bush.

Here’s what Gemma Arterton told EW:

Folktales like this have been told over and over again, changing every time. What’s the constant that your movie picks up?
They resonate with your fears, that’s how these fairy tales worked. They scared you into behaving. This one in particular is about abandonment and being lost and parents leaving you. The heart of it is that these kids grow up to be bloodthirsty witch hunters. It’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, really. What would Hansel and Gretel be in 15 years time?

Though it’s comedic, deep down it’s about abused kids becoming kind of hyper-responsible?
But it’s also very, very dark, and bloodthirsty and there’s a lot of cursing. It’s kind of got a [Quentin] Tarantino feel, really.

I hope it’s more than a “little” tongue in cheek, but it’s probably good to have the actors taking it seriously anyway. Once those spazzes start hamming it up, it’s just a short, slippery slope to Kenan Thompson-land. I also enjoy that their costumes look like they could’ve just as easily come from Paul WS Anderson’s 3D, steampunk Three Musketeers movie. Is Jeremy Renner wearing… a sundial wrist watch with a big brass cover over it?? Amazing.

“What time is it?”

“DAMN! I don’t know! I can hardly get service with all these trees!”

Yo, son, these classic fairy tales are like hella boring!   HOLLYWOOD, DROP SOME PHAT BEATS ON THIS BITCH!

The studio is on the cusp of triggering production on the Gary Sanchez project Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, a dark action movie that picks up with the fairy tale siblings years after the traumatic childhood incident has turned them into bounty hunters. Jeremy Renner, who has been attached for some time, finally has his sister in James Bond babe Gemma Arterton.

Director Tommy Wirkola (Dead Snow) is hoping to begin shooting the project in Berlin March 7. [THR]

They say “dark action movie”, but Gary Sanchez is Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s production company, and Tommy Wirkola made a movie about nazi zombies that puke blood, so I’m hoping the secret is that this is tongue in cheek or overtly comedic.  Otherwise, look for this tale to LOSE THE FAIRIES AND ADD RAP ROCK!  Yo, Gretel, drop some Red Bulls on the ground so we can find our way back from BASE jumping, TICK TICK TICK… SLUTS!

Play us out, parkour dog.

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It’s Tuesday, so it must be time for another installment of FilmDrunk’s favorite game – Will Gemma Arterton’s Butt Be In An Alien Prequel Or Won’t It? Oh, we’ve never played that game? That’s because Vince always wants to play Tune In Tokyo. But today we shall play, because sources are reporting that Gemma is in talks to star in Ridley Scott’s Alien prequels. That’s right, plural on the prequel nod, which means we’re in for a slew of new acid-spewing space monsters, which is also Lamar Odom’s pet name for Khloe Kardashian.

According to Hollywood.com:

The actress told the British paper The Sunday Times that she was in discussions with Ridley Scott about starring in the upcoming prequels to his successful 1979 film, Alien. Supposedly, Scott was so impressed with Arterton’s talent after seeing her in The Disappearance of Alice Creed that he wanted to meet her in person to talk about the main female role. And that’s not too surprising, considering Arterton’s character spent the majority of Alice Creed nude and getting physically abused.

*adds The Disappearance of Alice Creed to Netflix 14 times*

And if there’s one thing we know as certain in this life, it’s that we can take actors and actresses at their words. So if Gemma says she’s in talks to star in the Alien prequels, then I assume that we can trust her… or can we? LIES! ALL LIES AFTER THE JUMP!

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Stephen Frears is best known as the director of Dangerous Liaisons, The Grifters, Mary Reilly, High Fidelity, Dirty Pretty Things, and The Queen, and his latest is an adaptation of Posy Simmond’s British comic strip, Tamara Drewe.  It stars Gemma Arterton, who may or may not be cute enough to make up for her obnoxious over-enunciating.  I can’t decide.  Anyway, the plot seems to be that she gets a nose job and then bangs everyone.  Looks great.