M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender opened in the UK recently, and according to reports, audiences are laughing at many of the film’s climactic scenes.  Of course, that wouldn’t be news.  The news is that for the first time, it seems something besides Shyamalan’s terrible writing may be to blame.  Writes the Guardian:

Each nation has a certain type of people, a favoured race different from the rest, people with the Jedi-like power to control or “bend” the elements. Firebenders. Earthbenders. Waterbenders. And airbenders. At the cinema showing I attended, the British crowd reacted derisively at key dialogue moments. One wise old lady says solemnly to a young man: “I could tell at once that you were a bender, and that you would realise your destiny.” One character tells another wonderingly: “There are some really powerful benders in the Northern Water Zone.” Another whispers tensely: “We want to minimise their bender sources.” A key figure is taken away by brutal soldiers, one of whom shouts cruelly: “It’s a bender.”
And so on, for almost two hours. Each time, the response from the auditorium was deafeningly immature, and brought many of us to a state of nervous collapse.

Strangely, I found it much too boring to be funny. The Economist explains what I was missing:

“Bender”, of course, is a crude British pejorative for “homosexual”. So why, indeed, didn’t they just check the script? Turns out they didn’t need to. One of its stars, Dev Patel, is a Brit who certainly knew what was going on.  Patel, who plays a young prince, said of the term: “When I came onto the movie, I was like, ‘Really’? Benders?’”
Asked why he did not inform the director of the British slang connotation of the word, he told The Times: “It was too integral to the movie. We couldn’t call them fire or air manipulators. It would have been moving too far from the source material.”

I guess you can add to the growing list of reasons Manny shouldn’t be allowed to write his own movies the fact that he couldn’t think of a word that would keep his movie from being called “The Last Sky Queer” and his characters from constantly gay bashing each other.  Then again, maybe he knowingly left it in there, realizing it was the only thing remotely interesting about it.  In related news, British Tom Cruise just had a panic attack.

Paramount has confirmed what we basically already knew, that they’re making a movie out of Tom Cruise’s Les Grossman character. My guess, he’ll co-star opposite Betty White and whatever next week’s number one trending topic on Twitter is.

Tom Cruise, along with Ben Stiller and Stuart Cornfeld of Red Hour Films will produce and have secured the life rights to Grossman.
Said Ben Stiller: “Les Grossman’s life story is an inspiring tale of the classic human struggle to achieve greatness against all odds. He has assured me he plans to quote, ‘F**king  kill the sh*t out of this movie and make Citizen f**king Kane look like a piece of crap home movie by the time we are done.’ I am honored to be working with him.”
Adam Goodman, Paramount Film Group President said, “Everything I learned in this business, I’ve learned from Les. I started out as his assistant, and from the first day he threw his desk at me when I got his lunch order wrong, I have loved him like a father.  I am forever grateful to Ben and Stuart Cornfeld and their ability to secure his highly-coveted life rights.” [From the press release]

HAHAHAHA (*armpit fart*).   Look, I never liked Tom Cruise’s Les Grossman character because, although it’s mildly funny, they took an interesting concept and turned it into a pandering, fat-guy dancing joke.  Hey, assh*les, one Kevin James is already too many.  My opinion aside, Tom Cruise likes it, and if Tom Cruise took up racquetball, Hollywood would be there to wash his sweat band.  (As long as there were no gays in there.)

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Is Les Grossman Tom Cruise’s way back to the top of the box office?

*catches breath* Let's get out of here. I think there's gays down there.

Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are back in this new trailer for Knight and Day, which looks exactly as good as you’d expect a movie called “Knight and Day” to be.  Correct me if I’m wrong– this is the same movie as Killers, right?  They just shot it twice with a different cast?  Haha, I love you, overproduced action sequences that keep us from having to write dialogue.  See, the men have to fight each other and save the world while the women scream and fan their face with their hand.  All the action stuff must be scary for them seeing as how they just want to get married and shop for shoes.  Run along now, Cameron Diaz, the men are having a car chase.  Go have some babies, ya dumb bitch.

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It’s been a long three weeks since MyLifeIsTwilight.com stopped updating, but now they’re back, and I thought we’d celebrate with a run through of some of the most groan-worthy recent entries.  I find that my enjoyment is much enhanced by adding “lol wut?” to the end of each entry.

At my middle school we all get Mac laptops which are white and shiny. We all named them Edward. MLIT [lol wut?]

Today my friend took a bite of an orange. She flinched and said “whoa, it’s strong…. but not as strong as Edward,” and walked away dramatically. MLIT [lol wut?]

A few weeks ago I broke my leg, and I had to be in a boot for prom. I was told I looked like Bella Swan 32 times that night. MLIT [lol wut?]

Today, I punched my guy friend in the face. He laughed. I did not break my hand, but it really hurt. I brightened up a little thinking of Twilight. MLIT [lol wut?]

I woke up this morning and said to my mom my neck hurts then she said well you fell off your bed and stayed on the floor last night thats probably why and I said oh I thought Edward came to life from one of my posters and bit me so then we can be together forever and she started laughing at me! MLIT [lol wut?]

Today, my sister and I played Lego Batman. We soon realized that Catwoman can dazzle the enemies. I screamed, “SHE’S EDWARD CULLEN!!!” My sister proceeded to laugh and then said whenever I had to dazzle the workers to open doors, “Dazzle them, Edward!” [lol wut?]

Today, Facebook decided to tell me in its own special way that I look up too much Twilight stuff. It suggested I become friends with someone called ‘Kristen Cullen’. I have no connection to her – it’s just that her name is Cullen. MLIT [lol wut?]

It’s fun.  It’s like adding “…in bed” to your fortune cookie, or “as long as there aren’t any gays in there” to anything Tom Cruise says.

[banner pic from here]

(“YOU CALL THAT SEX, YOU GODDAMNED TWINKLE-TOED PETER PUFFER?”)

In 1999 when he did Eyes Wide Shut, Stanley Kubrick hadn’t directed a movie since Full Metal Jacket 12 years earlier.  Now Jacket drill sergeant R. Lee Ermey says Kubrick told him what he really felt about Eyes Wide Shut:

“Stanley called me about two weeks before he died,” Ermey told Radar Online. “We had a long conversation about Eyes Wide Shut [which opened five months later]. He told me it was a piece of sh-t and that he was disgusted with it and that the critics were going to have him for lunch [especially that fat f-ck Pete Hammond -Ed]. He said Cruise and Kidman had their way with him – exactly the words he used.”

Asked why Kubrick had allowed himself to be strong-armed by his stars, Ermey said, “He was kind of a shy little timid guy. He wasn’t real forceful. That’s why he didn’t appreciate working with big, high-powered actors. They would have their way with him, he would lose control and his movie would turn to sh-t.”
During the film’s production, Cruise and Kidman were full of praise for the director’s methods and claimed that the finished film was exactly as he would have wanted. [Guardian]

DOCTOR: The end is near, Mr. Kubrick.  Any last words?
KUBRICK: *cough* *gurgle*  *wheeze* Tom Cruise sucks!  *the spirit leaves his body*

Yes, he was a great man.  Reached for comment, Tom Cruise said, “I think we’re all just happy that Mr. Kubrick has gone to a better place.  As long as there aren’t any gays up there.”