After the jump I’ve got the trailer for The Book of Eli, from the Hughes Brothers and Denzel Washington.  The cool thing about Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is that it’s a post-apocalyptic story that isn’t really about what caused the apocalypse, nor is the plot concerned with saving humanity.  Basically, it’s a post-apocalyptic story that isn’t a generic post-apocalyptic story. Meanwhile The Book of Eli looks like it began as someone reading The Road and then going, “hmmm, how can we turn this into a generic post-apocalyptic story?”  

Denzel Washington stars as a lone warrior named Eli, who fights his way across the desolate wasteland of near-future America to realize his destiny and deliver the knowledge that can bring civilization back from the brink of destruction and save the future of humanity.

Denzel Washington is “the one,” you see, but the bad guys want to kill him.  He’s like a cross between Jesus and Keanu Reeves!  Haha, “a cross”, get it?  Biblical references, everyone! (*fart sound*)

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USA Today has a new batch of pictures of Denzell Washington in The Book of Eli, from the Hughes Brothers (who, unlike the Coen brothers, are actual brothers – the cool kind).  If the pictures look familiar, it’s because this movie is a lot like The Road.

In a post-apocalyptic world, a lone hero (Washington) guards the Book of Eli, which provides knowledge that could redeem society. The despot of a small, makeshift town (Oldman) plans to take possession of the book. [Wiki]

In this frame, says co-director Allen Hughes, Elie comes upon a fork in the road. “Eli’s iPod has run out of juice and to the right is the road that leads into Carnagie’s (Gary Oldman) town.  Eli makes the decision to go into town, power up his iPod and refill his canteen.” [USA Today - a few more pictures there]

And the script was written by the editor-in-chief of PC Gamer, which is perfect because video game concepts are like movie concepts that have been warmed over and generalized. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go into town and power up my wrist for a dismissive wank.  A dismissive wank that will post the apocalypse.

How the hell did this slip under the radar?  It’s called Tiptoes, and it’s a real, non-spoof movie (albeit direct-to-DVD) from 2003.  Kate Beckinsale falls in love with Matthew McConaughey, and then he drops the bomb: he’s from a family of dwarves. She’s pregnant with his child, which because of his genes is probably going to be a dwarf child, and she’s worried it’s going to hack its way out of her uterus with a flute and mini pickaxe, because that’s what dwarves do. But more importantly, Gary Oldman plays McConnaughey’s dwarf brother.

“He was on his knees,” Beckinsale explained. “He was basically on his knees with a prosthetic part of his head and face and a hump and different kinds of harnesses to strap his arms back to make them short, and special clothes. They had various different effects, like if he was sitting in a chair, his legs would actually be inside the chair and he’d have these little fake legs sticking out on top. It was amazing what they did with him.” [videogum]

Sweet Jesus, man, everyone knows you never go full midget.  Meanwhile, the trailer calls it “Gary Oldman, in the role of a lifetime,” and includes lines like, “When the going gets rough, it’s only the size of your heart that counts.”  Yeah? Tell that to my ex-girlfriend.  Boy, did she like it rough.

[KUDOS TO VIDEOGUM FOR FINDING THIS]

Dark Knight co-writer (…and Ghost Rider Exec Producer) David S. Goyer wrote and directed this little gem, Unborn, opening January 9th.  Judging by the trailer, it’s just about the most original-looking horror movie I’ve seen in a long time.  Ha, just kidding, it’s ghosts and possessed kids again.  Cam Gigandet is reprising his role as the kiss of death.

"There was one actor I worked with who used to burn his leg with cigarettes. I can’t name names. Well, let’s just call him Sean Penn."

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-Thanks to RoboPanda for the tip