Gary Oldman, Christian Slater, and Dane Cook are set to topline “a stylized crime thriller” from writer-director Michael Winnick that was apparently cast by the Family Guy manatees.  Hey, say what you will about Dane Cook’s comedy, the guy sure is a f*cking douche.

“Guns, Girls & Gambling,” throws Elvis impersonators, Indians, modern cowboys, a 6-foot-tall blond assassin, a frat boy, a corrupt sheriff and a prostitute into a chase for a priceless American Indian artifact stolen during a poker game at an Indian casino.
Slater plays a normal guy who in a drunken stupor joins an Elvis impersonation contest. Oldman is the contest’s mega-contender, and Cook will play the sheriff. [HeatVision]

A six-foot tall blond guy, you say?  Why, that’s almost TOO wacky!  Hey, how about this, maybe in addition to being six feet tall and blond, he’s always wearin’ t-shirts. Anyway, sounds like Go meets The Hangover meets a forehead the size of Mount Rushmore (Christian Slater’s).  I also like how they didn’t even bother giving it a title, they just named it after the pitch.  “Pulp Fiction?  Nah, I prefer ‘Hitmen, Drugs & Boxing.’  And no, I’m not punctuating it correctly, because f*ck that.”

*removes sweatpants, puts on reporter mask*

I have it on good authority that Dreamworks is in negotiations with relative unknown Alex Pettyfer to star in I Am Number Four, the Michael-Bay-produced, DJ-Caruso-directed, James-Frey-written, aliens-in-high-school movie.  I also hear that the studio wants Kevin Bacon or Gary Oldman to play the father, but haven’t made any offers yet.  This was the original Variety description:

“The story is about a group of nine children from a planet called Lorien who have been attacked by a hostile race from another planet. The nine and their guardians evacuate to earth, where three are killed. The protagonist, a Lorien boy named John Smith, hides in Paradise, Ohio, as a human and tries to evade his predators.” [Variety]

I know this probably wasn’t the most interesting story, I just thought that if I knew something other people didn’t I should make a big deal about it, because bloggers are supposed to do that.  In any case, I apologize.  Please accept this picture of Abe Lincoln with a boombox as a token of my appreciation.  In related news, I want to adopt this puppy and name it “Alex Prettyfur”.

In a perfect world, we could judge The Book of Eli totally on its own merits without comparing it to The Road.  But as a wise man named Will Smith once said, “Welcome da Earff.”  It looks like they took The Road, a book that was unique in its approach to the apocalypse, and said, “Hey, know what’d make this way more awesome?  Sword fights and bible references and Mila Kunis!”  Thereby turning an unconventional approach to conventional subject matter into a really conventional approach to conventional subject matter.  Or as I like to call it, a Vin Diesel movie.  The upside is, instead of Vin Diesel, this one has Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman and Cheddar Bob from 8-Mile.  Still, could use more tigers.

Sorry, folks, those are the rules – Batman sequel news, no matter how small or unconfirmed, means I have to drop everything and cover it.  The word out of Comic Con (from various sites) is that a not-at-all-joking-sounding Gary Oldman said that the next Batman begins shooting next year, “but you didn’t hear it from me.”  …And that’s pretty much the whole story.  Meanwhile, no one has said anything about director Chris Nolan coming back, and with him busy shooting Inception, it’s hard to say whether he’d have time to shoot a Batman sequel, if what Oldman says is even true.  So does that mean they’re hiring a new director?  Yes.  Yes they are.  Brett Ratner will come aboard to direct, Christian Bale will be replaced by Will Smith’s son, Cher plays his love interest, and Shia LaBeouf will play the villain, a midget prostitute that murders.

After the jump I’ve got the trailer for The Book of Eli, from the Hughes Brothers and Denzel Washington.  The cool thing about Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is that it’s a post-apocalyptic story that isn’t really about what caused the apocalypse, nor is the plot concerned with saving humanity.  Basically, it’s a post-apocalyptic story that isn’t a generic post-apocalyptic story. Meanwhile The Book of Eli looks like it began as someone reading The Road and then going, “hmmm, how can we turn this into a generic post-apocalyptic story?”  

Denzel Washington stars as a lone warrior named Eli, who fights his way across the desolate wasteland of near-future America to realize his destiny and deliver the knowledge that can bring civilization back from the brink of destruction and save the future of humanity.

Denzel Washington is “the one,” you see, but the bad guys want to kill him.  He’s like a cross between Jesus and Keanu Reeves!  Haha, “a cross”, get it?  Biblical references, everyone! (*fart sound*)

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