"Paws off the leash, butthorn."

Back in March, I posted a clip from a 2003 forgotten classic called Quigley, in which Gary Busey plays a rich dog hater who slips in dog poop, and tells his assistant, “I want everyone who owns a dog executed.” It sounds just like something Gary Busey would say, doesn’t it? And that’s just in the trailer! Soon, his character dies, and to punish him for his dog-hating ways, God sends him back to Earth in the form of a fluffy Pomeranian named “Quigley.” It was a perfect role for Busey, because, like dogs, coyotes are his sworn enemy.

And now, praise Jesus, Quigley is available for free online (embedded below). I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet, but if the trailer is any indication, this movie really has everything.

• A (*SPROING*) sound effect (the thinking man’s record scratch)
• Two bad guys getting caught in a net (just once I’d like to see that happen in real life)
• A SLIDE WHISTLE sound effect (the record scratch of musical instruments)
• Booger from Revenge of the Nerds
• A dog who’s always freaking out squares and making people fall down

And best of all, Gary Busey being Gary Busey. I hear that on set, he even came up with an acronym for “Dog Poop.” “Dog Poop: Demons Outside God’s Periphery Ousting Odorous Popsicles.” At the time, he called coming up with that his proudest moment since eating Jennifer Tilly’s entire set of wicker patio furniture on a dare. True story.

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While FilmDrunk is technically a general-information humor site about movies, we do have our favorites. Those generally go, in order of importance, Gary Busey Stories, Steven Seagal Stories, and Pictures of Rape Vans. We know what we like and we have a good nose for it. Our own Chareth Cutestory recently chanced upon a new Busey story, as recounted by Paul Scheer on the latest Doug Loves Movies podcast (which I assume he found only after he’d finished listening to every FilmDrunk Frotcast). We pick up with Scheer describing the Busey incident.

SCHEER: “I was in a movie that Gary Busey was in, and I talked to the lead actor, and I was like, what was it like working with Gary Busey? And he goes, ‘He kicked me in the stomach!’”

Paul Scheer and Gary Busey were both in Piranha 3D Piranha 3DD so it’s pretty safe to assume that Piranha 3DD is film in question. As for the lead actor, I would imagine he means Steven R. McQueen, who played the main kid in Piranha 3D, who was the closest thing to a protagonist. Though I think it sounds a lot better if you leave all that out and just say, “Didjou hear Gary Busey kicked Steve McQueen in the stomach??” It doesn’t matter that Steve McQueen died in 1980, people will believe it. It’s Gary Busey. Anything’s possible. (Wrong movie, my bad).

“And I said, ‘What do you mean?’ And he says, ‘Well I came on set,’ — and he’s the lead of the movie — ‘I came on set and I introduced myself to him, and he goes ‘Get outta here with that bullsh*t!’ And he kicked me in the stomach. And then he said ‘Get that guy off the set!” And they did! They got him off the set! The lead actor, they dragged him off the set.”

Knowing what we know about Gary Busey, that he becomes agitated whenever commercials come on TV and demands that they be muted, even if he’s at a crowded sports bar at the time, because, as he says of commercials, ‘It’s bullsh*t!” (as recounted to us by a guy who was Busey’s assistant on a film a few years back), I’ve pieced together a likely scenario. Gary Busey probably heard the sound of a commercial, and at the same time was confronted with a stranger trying to introduce himself. He had no choice but to assume that the commercial was coming from this stranger’s stomach. So Busey kicked him in the belly, attempting to mute the tiny television inside (the same way he handles the television at home). When this failed, he demanded that his assistants “get rid of the bullsh*t”, his frequent last resort with televisions playing commercials when he can’t reach them with his foot, which is the only way to keep his brain from being unnecessarily bombarded with crass commercialism. And that’s important, because Busey knows that that’s how the coyotes trick you. And once you’ve been fooled by a coyote, you have to pay him off with highlighters and spare change, and that’s no good, because you’ve probably got important stuff to highlight.

"Have you seen this man? Son of a bitch conned me out of a litter of coyotes."

Gary Busey has been fired from an acting job on probable blockbuster Mansion of Blood, after complaints about his erratic behavior. Sources say the trouble started when producers realized they had hired Gary Busey.

The famously unpredictable actor was dumped from “Mansion of Blood” after a female employee allegedly complained that he made inappropriate comments on set, TMZ reported Wednesday.
Several members of the horror flick’s production team had already allegedly complained about Busey’s conduct, so production bosses decided it was time to terminate his employment, according to TMZ sources.
Busey, 66, had already finished shooting about half of his scenes — so the script was rewritten and another actor filled in to shoot the rest.
“The situation was plagued by contractual issues and misunderstandings from the outset,” Busey’s representative said. “Gary considers this episode concluded and has no further comment on the matter.” [FoxNews]

Busey went on to say that his compensation was misrepresented.  His trailer was far smaller than promised, with no air conditioning and belligerent weather stripping.  And the generator they provided was woefully underpowered to support a proper rendering operation.  “I don’t mean to seem like a prima donna,” he said, “but if producers can’t live up to the terms of a signed blood oath, you start to wonder why you even left the attic.”

"Great, Gary, you're doing perfect. Just keep pretending to be on the phone, and slowly, make your way towards the gate. No one suspects a thing."

Today’s Forgotten Classic is 1983′s DC Cab, a film starring a murderer’s row of randomness that included Gary Busey, Mr. T., and Bill Maher.  It was a little before my time, but while I was writing, this, I noticed Drew had mentioned it in his latest Balls Deep column for Deadspin, so perhaps it’s not as forgotten as the title of this feature might indicate.  In any case, it’s about a team of wacky cabbies who have to rescue one of their colleagues who’s been kidnapped.  It’s basically the 1983 equivalent of Soul Plane, in both tacky badness and casual racism.  Here’s the rundown of highlights from reader Matthew, who sent this in.  Oh, also, he titled the banner image “Gary Busey Attempting to Faith Heal a Headache So He Can Copulate with the Afflicted,” so there’s that.

• Gary Busey saying “You know the only thing wrong with oral sex?  The view!”
• Gary Busey saying “Did you know that DC is 75% nig?”
• Gary Busey saying “Nobody ever goes in the army anymore except blacks. Someday one n*gger’s going to wake up and say ‘we got the guns and the mustard gas and the tanks – we runnin’ the army!’ And they’re going to take over the whole country.”
• Gary Busey running into a gentleman’s club and stealing money from a stripper’s panties.
• Mr. T working his cab shifts wearing a weightlifting belt.
• Gary Busey saying “You know I can suck the white right off your teeth.”
• Bill Maher playing synthesizer while waxing philosophic.
• Gary Busey saying “If I’d wanted responsibility I’d have been a damn sex surrogate.”
• Mr. T pimping out his cab with various gold accoutrements.
• Mr. T making an impassioned speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in yellow sweatpants.
• Gary Busey saying “Why are women so uptight?  They’ve got half the money and all the pussy.”

As you may have noticed, casual racism in 1983 was pretty intense by modern standards.  I’m assuming this film was written and directed by a black man, or else they’d never have gotten away with being so free with the N-Bomb– (*checks IMDB*) JOEL SCHUMACHER!? That’s right, this film was co-written and directed by the man who would later go on to put nipples on the Batman suit. In retrospect, perhaps we should’ve seen it coming.

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"Hello? No, the bees couldn't get to me on account of I tucked my slacks into my socks. But tell me, is there a way to get coyote blood out of a suede vest?"

Just a day after it was announced that the Piranha 3D sequel would actually be called Piranha 3DD (three double d), we’ve gotten word that Gary Busey will be joining the cast.  Jesus, guys, are we just going to do anything the internet suggests now?  If so, I demand starring roles for Lobster Dog and the Llama Who Looks Like Taylor Lautner, and Vince Vaughn walking through the background of every scene eating an ice cream cone.

I guess the obvious question is, in a fight between Gary Busey and a school of piranha, whose teeth are more dangerous?  I say Busey, because he can smell fear.

Gary Busey once entered a cock fight and was disqualified for insider trading.

[via ComingSoon]

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