"Ask me anything, for today is the day of my daughter's wedding."

When a Gary Busey outtake reel hits the internet, I know I can pretty much give my brain the afternoon off and start transcribin’, because nothing I will ever write could hold a candle to Gary Busey’s average rambling. Today’s clip comes from the makers of Piranha 3DD, who know that Gary Busey’s psychosis is as good a promotional tool as anything. Piranha 3DD, if you’ll remember, is the film in which, as recounted by Paul Scheer, Gary Busey kicked the lead actor in the stomach and had him dragged off set. (“‘I came on set and I introduced myself to him, and he goes ‘Get outta here with that bullsh*t!’ And he kicked me in the stomach. And then he said ‘Get that guy off the set!”)

Some highlights from the clip (below). Don’t worry, there is no context. There never is.

“You throw the dynamite in the pool, it blows up, and the piranhas float to the surface, and you pick em up, and you fling ‘em like little FISH FRISBEES, and they’ll sail through the air, and the rats eat ‘em when they’re dead.”

“Rats, vermin, squirrels, mice — maybe even a badger or a wolverine, would get a piranha.”

“F.A.R.T. is, Feeling A Rectal Transmission.”

“I gotta go now, because the cows are calling me home.”

A Buseyism for “fart.” Is there anything more relevant to our interests than that?

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It’s been a busy week in Busey news (see: Gary Busey plays a pro-wrestling vampire, Gary Busey gets into a fist fight over what kind of couches they have in heaven), so I thought this week, in lieu of a Friday Free For All video, I’d present to you instead an out-of-context word from Gary Busey. Sort of like a Moment of Zen on the old Daily Show.

Here it is, your out-of-context word with Gary Busey:

This has been: Your out-of-context word from Gary Busey.

By the way, have I ever told you want “panda” means, Butthorn? PANDA: Plush Asexual Nougaty Dream Animal, PANDA. Speaking of the Beatles, you wanna buy a suitcase full of panda meat? (*smoke bomb, jumps through plate-glass window*)
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Thanks to Jim from Crappy Cinema Council for alerting me to the existence of this film, Jacob Two Two Meets the Hooded Fang, which features not only Gary Busey as a pro-wrestling vampire, but Ice T in a powdered wig. The rest of you, where the hell were you at on this one?! Someone must have known about this and not told me! Is this not the greatest movie poster in the history of man? Look at that expression on Ice T’s face! It doesn’t get any better! Now for the synopsis, which is going to melt your face off and squirt it back up your butt with a turkey baster.

One day, a boy named Jacob Two-Two (aptly named because every phrase that he utters is repeated) decides to set out to prove himself to his parents that he can do things, so his father, who is tired of hearing his wife order him to do the shopping, sets Jacob out to buy two tomatoes. As Jacob makes his way to buy them, the greengrocer in the shop keeps telling an officer that Jacob was threatening him, so Jacob escapes, but only just, hitting his head rather hard and awaking in court where he is sentenced to two years, two months, two weeks, two days, two hours, two minutes, and five seconds to a children’s prison run by not only a mad wrestler presumed lost, but also two (also aptly named) bird-like and fish-like cohorts as well as slimy humanoids that spray resisters with slime to stop them in their tracks. Helping Jacob in his mission are two young agents that aim to free all of the children kept prisoner in the swampy penitentiary. It is up to Jacob Two-Two to escape this heinous prison and free all of the other imprisoned children. [imdb]

Gary Busey raps… Ice Cube in a wig… Veiled clitoris reference in the title… Why am I crying, you ask? It’s just… (*sniff*) I didn’t know there was… such beauty in the world.

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"Paws off the leash, butthorn."

The AV Club’s Toronto division did a recent installment of their Random Roles feature with Curtis Armstrong, the actor probably best known as Booger from Revenge of the Nerds (at least to us here at FilmDrunk, the Alpha Beta of movie blogs). But in addition to Nerds, Armstrong also had the good fortune to star in one of our favorite films, Quigley, in which Gary Busey is reincarnated as a dog who comes back to Earth to right a few wrongs (no longer streaming free on Netflix, sadly, but still available online here). Though you’d never guess it from the final product, which turned out amazing, utilizing both a SPROING sound and a slide whistle in the trailer, it seems there was some turmoil behind the scenes. Specifically, Gary Busey objected to the way Heaven was being portrayed in the film, having actually been there himself.

Quigley (2003)—“Dexter Pearlsley”
CA: Oh my God.

AVC: Yeah, sorry for dragging this one up. But this was a movie where you appeared alongside Gary Busey, who plays a software tycoon who dies and is reincarnated as a dog. Busey’s such a weirdo force-of-nature that we have to ask about working with him

CA: It was just what you’d imagine. That’s about the best way to put it. We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and he was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, “I can’t play this scene.” They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.

“They don’t have sofas like this in Heaven, Butthorn! And where’s all the tacos? What are my llamas gonna eat if there aren’t any tacos? This Heaven makes no sense!”

Sorry, I realize fake Busey could never out-Busey actual Busey. Now back to the story — would you believe me if I told you that it gets even better?

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Starring Christopher Lloyd as kooky scientist, Gary Busey as crazy guy who eats piranhas, Ving Rhames as black guy with guns for legs, and David Hasselhoff as David Hasselhoff, the trailer for Piranha 3DD appears below. The big question coming into this was whether the franchise would be able to soldier on without original director Alexander Aja under replacement John Gulager. The entire trailer consists of women getting either water or fish shot at their boobs, butt, and vaginas, so it looks like fears were unfounded. Unless you’re a vagina, in which case, be very afraid.

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