It's funny because you can just never get a taxi in New York City!

This weekend marked the worst overall box office gross since September 19, 2008, as Americans only spent $67.8 million to see such instant classics like New Year’s Eve, The Sitter and some other movies that you’ll never see. Despite finishing first with $13.7 million in revenue, the biggest flop was New Year’s Eve, the insulting holiday collaboration produced by Satan [*cough* AL-QAEDA RECRUITMENT VIDEO! *cough, cough* -Vince]. The film cost $56 million to make, and I apologize if that just cause a vein to explode in your head.

And if you’re upset that New Year’s Eve still made almost $14 million, you can place the blame on women.

The movie, directed by Garry Marshall, stars Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Robert De Niro, Halle Berry, Seth Meyers, Alyssa Milano, Jessica Biel and others. Women saw the movie in far higher numbers than men. Fellman said 70 percent of the audience was made up of women.

It is a follow-up to Marshall’s 2010 hit “Valentine’s Day,” which also featured big stars in short vignettes and went on to gross $216.5 million on a $52 million budget. (Via Yahoo!)

On one hand, I’m sort of proud that moviegoers learned from their past mistake of paying to see Valentine’s Day. But on the other hand, I’m concerned that 30% of the people who saw this film were men. I’ll hold out hope that the majority of men who saw this were being punished by their wives and girlfriends for dropping a grand at a strip club on Friday night, because that’s about the only excuse I’ll accept.

More than anything, we should hope that Garry Marshall quits it with these ensemble chick flicks that try to make us believe that holidays can still be magical. If we’re lucky, maybe his next project will be called Thanksgiving, and the entire cast gets trampled to death at a Target the next day. Or at least he can make Saturday Night Live’s The Apocalypse. [It would've done better if they'd taken my suggestion about replacing the cast with Terrence Howard in different hats. -Vince]

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New Year’s Eve is New Line/Warner Bros’ latest attempt to capitalize on the throw-10-trite-premises-at-the-wall-and-call-it-a-day formula of Valentine’s Day, which itself was basically Love Actually with more vignettes and famouser actors. Directed by the hollowed-out husk of Garry Marshall, it stars a who’s who of bland white jagoffs who make me want to kill myself, including Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Bon Jovi, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, that chick from Glee, and a billion other people including a cameo by Ryan Seacrest, in what appears to be an earnest attempt to create cinematic ipecac. A vom-com, say. My God, if I could kick a movie in the stomach… You can watch the just-released trailer below, if you dare. The horror, the horror…

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Ask me about my haircut, homey.

Capitalizing on the success of hokey clichés stuffed into a manufactured-emotion machine (aka Love Actually), New Line Cinema made a similar Al Qaeda recruitment video for release on Valentine’s Day, which they ingeniously titled, “Valentine’s Day.”  Because there is no God, it grossed $213 million worldwide, and a sequel was instantly greenlit, this time centered on New Year’s Eve.  And now director Garry Marshall says Justin Bieber is going to be in it, because really, why the f*ck not.

The original romantic comedy cast superstar musician Taylor Swift, and Marshall’s team is trying to get another pop sensation onboard for the December 9, 2011, flick.

“Already, they’re mentioning Justin Bieber,” Marshall told MTV News about possible casting. “I have no idea who that is, but I’m sure we’ll meet.”

“I had to call on a lot of friendships, but we still have other friends,” he said. “I hope Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry. I love the girls. I work well with women. I’m a Scorpio. I’m Italian. I grew up with sisters and I have daughters, so I like women. What can I tell you? And I like making them funny, but we’ll see who we get. Nobody is set yet.”

“Except I hear they keep mentioning this Justin Bieber,” he continued. “Perhaps I’d better see who he is, so when he arrives on set, possibly [we can talk]. So we’ll see.”

I get the feeling Garry Marshall just sort of shows up to the set on the day of shooting to be a figurehead, like the Joe Paterno of Hollywood.  “Justin Beibah?  What’s a Justin Biebah?  Oh right.  What?  No, of co-uhse I remembah. How ah ya darlin’, good ta see ya, good ta see ya. Look heah, do ya nice uncle Garry a favah an’ go get us a cawfee, woudja, Sweethawt?”  And then he’d pull a silver dollar out from behind his ear and say he expects change.

Anyway, I worry Justin Bieber’s asking price might be too high.  They should just get a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber.

Remember when Valentine’s Day came out and the stars were goofing about doing a Laverne and Shirley movie with Jessica Biel and Jennifer Garner?  There’s no easy way to say this, but it sounds like it’s happening… with Jamie Foxx writing the script.

Valentine’s and L&S producer Garry Marshall, who was honored at the 18th Annual Night At Sardi’s Fundraiser for Alzheimer’s (his mother died of the disease), tells me the script is now being written by Valentine’s co-star Jamie Foxx. “Jamie and I are trying to do it,” Garry confirms. “He’s writing it. It’s a whole different modern day take on how they came up on the streets during difficult times. Laverne would be this very tough girl with a big ‘L’ tattooed on her arm. Jennifer Garner would play Laverne and Jessica Biel would play Shirley.” [TV Guide]

Get it?  It’d be funny because the wholesome whitey would have to pretend to be ghetto, a joke that’s never, ever been used in a Hollywood film or insurance convention comedy show before.  You might wonder if Jamie Foxx can write, and with an ego as big as his, the way he remembers it, he probably wrote all the dialog in all his films so far.  But according to IMDB, he’s written for In Living Color, the Jamie Foxx Show, and From G’s to Gents.  But I actually like this idea.  Someone recognizable writing this kind of script would actually have to cop to it later and get asked about it in interviews, unlike your usual, semi-anonymous writer of Valentine’s Day or Randi Mayem Singer who can just collect a paycheck and disappear back into society like pod people.  Don’t underestimate shame as a motivator.  It’s the only reason I wear clothes.

Aw crap, I forgot to make a “where the white women at” joke.

Above is the trailer for Valentine’s Day, a hastily-slapped together compilation of nauseating clichés aimed at brainless women and their dickless boyfriends starring Ashton Kutcher. It’s movies like this that remind me how the barrel of a gun tastes. Anyway, it hasn’t opened yet, but New Line is so sure it’s a hit that they’ve greenlit a spiritual sequel (can’t be a literal sequel since there isn’t actually a story) called New Year’s Eve.

Warner Bros’ New Line is in love with the Garry Marshall-directed Valentine’s Day because of its formula of cramming more than a dozen stars into a film and keeping the budget below $50 million. Now I’m told there’s a sort-of-sequel underway. Valentine’s Day scribe Katherine Fugate has turned in a draft of New Year’s Eve.

So these days, when most films can barely afford even 2 major stars, how did Valentine’s Day keep down costs for the cast including Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Bradley Cooper, Anne Hathaway, Patrick Dempsey, Taylor Lautner, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah and Emma Roberts? I’ve learned most worked for discounted quotes and some back-end because they were able to film their parts quickly and then leave for other projects. [DHD]

They should call it Summer’s Eve and let me shoot everyone who buys a ticket with a fire hose.