Two new big trailers released last night/today, Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty and Ruben Fleischer’s Gangster Squad. Watch ‘em both below, ya lucky so-and-so.

Zero Dark Thirty
You can’t overhype the pedigree here, with Kathryn Bigelow reteamed with her Hurt Locker screenwriter Mark Boal and a cast that includes Jessica Chastain, Chris Pratt, and Mark Strong, taking on the events of the Bin Laden raid. Oh and look, it’s Kyle Chandler playing a government dude again. Oh Kyle Chandler, why do you love the government so? But I’m not gonna lie, I’m not sold on this. Can you name me a single example of a good movie that was made depicting events as recent as this? It takes time to digest history into nice, nuanced story. They couldn’t have made Argo in 1981. Maybe they’ll prove me wrong, but so far I’m seeing a lot of explosions and dramatic music without a lot of substantive content. Plus the title sounds like bad dialog from an interracial porno. “Come here, baby, you know what time it is. Aw yeah, girl, isss zero dark thirty.” (*schlong*)

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No one was really sure what to think about Gangster Squad after the release date got

“Mmm’yeah, dame, you look like you could use a hug, see?”

“Hand ovah the wallet* on the double, or else I’ll fill ya fulla tickles! *I wanna monogram it for you.”

“You’ll never take me alive, coppah! In fact, I’ll drive us instead, that way you can have a drink. Go ahead, live it up, you deserve it for working so hard.”

“Oh, a wiseguy, eh? You must’ve studied pretty hard to be so smart. Here, have a bran muffin.”

“Your hands ain’t so clean! Here, try some lavender soap, girl.”

“I didn’t ask ya for any lip! Not on the first date. I respect your boundaries, girl. Care for some Grapefruit?”

“It was you, Fredo. You stole my heart. You’re the best goldfish ever.”

Jeez, this is fun. How about we make it a trending topic? #GangsterBabyGoose. Go.

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