BOX OFFICE WIPE UP: SEE? IDIOT CRACK.

09.08.09 Written by Vince Mancini

The Final Destination won the weekend again with a lackluster $12.4 mil, down 54.6% from its first weekend, which is actually pretty good for a crappy horror film.  Do we even have to still keep calling these “horror films”?  That seems like giving them too much credit.  How about “loud noise flicks”.

All About Steve pulled in $11.2 million for number two, which is sad considering it is, to my knowledge, the worst reviewed film of the year.  Jesus, could they make the poster look any more like Simple Jack? What the f’ck is she doing?  Why the f’ck is she holding an umbrella?  Who the f’ck’s idea was this? You’ve done it again, Fox execs.  Here, have a  herring and a red ball to balance on your snout.

Elsewhere, Inglourious Basterds landed in the three spot (which your mom lets me do sometimes) and should cross $100 million in a few weeks.

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‘THE GAMER’ LOOKS LUDACRIS

05.11.09 Written by Vince Mancini

Just about every variation of the death-row-inmates-fight-for-their-freedom-in-the-future plot has already been done.  But Gamer is totally new because this time, kids control the death-row inmates like a video game!  Gerard Butler plays the lead.  Gee, I wonder if he’s a former green beret/CIA Agent/Delta Force soldier who was wrongly imprisoned, and who’ll have to take down the game’s mastermind if he ever wants to see his supermodel wife/supermodel girlfriend/supermodel daughter again.

Additionally, according to IMDB, Milo Ventimiglia co-stars as “Rick Rape.”  Rape is the X button in the death row video game.  X rapes, R1 toggles your keistered narcotics, and there’s cheat code for toilet gin.  Toilet gin in turn unlocks “super rape mode.”

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