I’m not going to pretend I’m qualified to name this year’s best movies (more qualified than most who make these lists, but still) or that I saw every movie, but people on the internet love lists, and I love money.  I find that the strippers object when you try to stuff post-it notes in their vaginas.  On that note, here are the 10 movies of 2009 that I would stuff in my vagina like a $1,000 dollar bill.  KNIVES OUT!

1. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
I need to see this again to truly understand what I experienced, but if I’m honest, it was probably the most fun I had in a theater this year. (I should’ve gone with Alanis Morissette *frownie*) Was it fun because it was really good, or just really crazy and weird?  I don’t really know.  But isn’t it a little unfair to make that distinction?

2.  The Hurt Locker
Definitely the most well-made movie this year.  It was a simple, straightforward plot, but it was well-acted, perfectly shot, and as tense as waiting for your STD-test results.  It really took you to another place, and that’s what it’s all about, right?  (other than being able to sit on your ass and eat nachos).  Every director should study the way this was storyboarded and edited. Especially Brett Ratner, that guy sucks.

3. Anvil! The Story of Anvil
What can I say, there’s just something about middle-aged men trying to live out their childhood dreams while repeatedly getting kicked in the face that does it for me.  It kept making me teary-eyed without feeling like it was trying really hard to do so (like Up). Damn you, you lovable Canadians.

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Funny People comes out on DVD today, and though I agree that it should’ve been 15 minutes shorter, I liked it, and if you didn’t it’s probably because you’re a stupid idiot with a limp wiener and everyone hates you.  To promote the release, they released this deleted scene in which Seth Rogen (Ira) has to drive Adam Sandler (George Simmons) to San Francisco while he watches Hellboy in the back seat.  Then they talk movie ideas, and Ira has an idea for a George Simmons movie in which all the kids born from the sperm he donated in his youth come find him at the same time.  It’s a decent idea, as far as Adam Sandler movies go, but Adam Sandler’s all, “That’s dumb, I’m a make a movie where me n’ Rob Schneider watch Kevin James fall down for two hours, and it’ll be like Old School as written as an episode of Caroline in the City.”

At least, I assume that’s how it ends.

Despite their epically sleazy the-soldiers-who-defend-your-freedom-want-you-to-see-it marketing campaign, Paramount made $56.2 million on their G.I. Joe movie.  The sad thing about even the most blatantly phony, transparent pandering is that it usually works.  Oh hey look, Toby Keith bought a new cowboy hat.  Anyway, it’s not Transformers money, but it’s enough for execs to say “well look how well G.I. Joe and Transformers did!” as they try to defend their decision to greenlight the next movie based on a board game or parlor trick.  Thing is, though G.I. Joe and Transformers are technically based on a toy, they also both had old cartoons and the accompanying nostalgia on which to draw.  If the View-Master movie does anywhere near this kind of business, I promise I’ll chug a pint of hobo piss.

Elsewhere, Julie and Julia was number two with $20.1 million.  Surprising that there were so many people that couldn’t just wait to see it on a plane.  Hard to tell if it will hold or drop immediately, but critics are already calling it the plane-yest movie of the summer.

Most everything else made a not-particularly-noteworthy $7 or $8 million (though Funny People declined a sharp 65%).  And pour a little beer out on a hooker for The Hangover, which dropped out of the top 10 for the first week since its release.  Though at -35%, it had the smallest decline for wide releases for the fifth weekend in a row, and still managed the number 11 spot.  It just goes to show, people really want to see Zach Galifianakis get blown by an old chick.

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Funny People is the best thing Adam Sandler’s done in 10 years and it still made $11 million less than I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry in its opening weekend, which is why I don’t clean up dog poop and purposely piss on the seat in public restrooms.  You deserve this, America.  Regardless, its $23.4 million debut was good enough for number one on this year’s worst box office weekend overall.

But those sh*tty box office numbers are good news for anyone hoping to see some flaming turds get stomped, and get stomped they did.  The $45 million budgeted (yet oddly direct-to-DVD-looking) Aliens in the Attic debuted at $7.8 million — suck it, Fox — while Jerry Bruckheimer’s $150 million G-Force (which had three fart jokes in the trailer) still has a long way to go with its total now at $66.5 mil.  Fingers crossed that continues to go down faster than Brett Ratner on a plate of taquitos.  Katherine Heigl’s epic snatch napkin The Ugly Truth also fell 53% in its second weekend, down to $13 million.  Meanwhile Harry Potter performed respectably, and I managed to totally not care about it for the second week in a row.

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Opening this weekend

Funny People
No, it’s not as funny as Knocked Up, it’s 20 minutes too long, and I realize you probably won’t like it as much as I did.  Nonetheless, it’s a real movie, which is rare, and it’s the best thing Adam Sandler’s done in ten years.  And on the other hand, so’s your face.

The Collector
I can’t believe someone had the balls to put “From the writers of Saw IV, V, and VI” in the trailer.  Gee, guys, that’s quite the plug.  This summer… from the makers of speed bumps, techno, and stubbing your toe on the f*cking coffee table… The only way the bad guy could have a more stupid looking mask is if he made it out of Colin Hanks’ face.

Not Quite Hollywood
This documentary about the obscure-yet-awesome genre of Ozploitation films only opens in New York and LA, but the filmmakers sent me a cool playlist of Ozploitation flicks to attach after the jump.  They did my work for me.  And I like that.

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