HURRR MY SON IS A RETARD

Written by Vince Mancini / 01.09.09

Coach in the background: Proof that wrestling makes your neck strong

Hopefully you didn’t miss the Yonkers Joe trailer in which Chazz Palminteri learns to love his retard son.  But it’s okay if you did because today we’ve got a brand new clip.  Opening today in limited release (I’m sure it’ll do great) the film is basically Simple Jack meets Ocean’s 11 meets Holy shit who thought this was a good idea.  You know, it’d be a lot harder to make fun of it if they’d cast an actual retarded kid as the retarded kid a lá Summer Heights High – but when it’s clearly some dude who used to be on Law & Order it’s like taking candy from a retard.  Hurrr, dis is gonna be da bwest wetard impwession eva.  I wish I dinnent need da money so bad, it wuz eida dis or da valtwex commercial.

[Click here to watch the clip]

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THE SEMI-DEFINITIVE TOP 9 MOVIES OF 2008 (SO FAR)

Written by Vince Mancini / 10.08.08

I haven’t had time to write reviews of all the movies I liked this year, so this is my half-assed attempt at penance.  And before you start bitching about how great Wanted is, I didn’t see it so I can’t include it.  Maybe it’ll make the end of the year list.

Number 9 (*drumroll, cymbal crash, dick helicopter*):
Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  This one I did review.  Not a total success, and Jason Segel was really the only believable character.  But the man was still pretty entertaining as a one-man show, and I respect anyone who goes full frontal for comedy.  I don’t even take my underwear off in the shower.

Number 8
Iron Man.  Plot?  Originality?  Character Development?  F-ck you, rocket arms.  Without Robert Downey Jr. I think this might have been a total disaster, but he’s that good.  Less like an A movie than a C movie that pissed its name on the moon.

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WELL THAT DIDN’T TAKE LONG

Written by Vince Mancini / 09.19.08

As pointed out by our friends at GorillaMask, DeezTeez has already created a shirt to commemorate Robert Downey’s classic “full retard” monologue from Tropic Thunder.  Can’t say as I’m surprised that they’ve made a shirt about it.  My only criticism: why the boring silhouette of a soldier?  Why not put the quote over a picture of a Liger? Boom, two pop culture references in one.

*pats self on back for avoiding a joke about Sarah Palin’s kid*
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WEEKEND PREVIEW: THE FULL RETARD

Written by Vince Mancini / 08.15.08

I honestly think Robert Downey Jr. deserves to win Best Actor for this

Opening this Weekend:

Tropic Thunder
Word on the street is that it opened softer than your mom’s legs, but I still say it kicks ass.  Some people are claiming the budget was as high as $160 million – a lot to earn back.  Just remember, if you don’t see it, the retards win.  

Fly Me to the Moon 3D
Fly me to the moon – because they’re flies, but they’re also flying, get it?  Let me know if we need to slow down.  I still say my pitch for Faster Pussycat was better.

Mirrors
Ever notice how bad reviews can sometimes make a movie sound awesome?  "At the goofiest point, a pane of glass actually bites Kiefer Sutherland. He yells at it, but the mirror doesn’t listen." 

Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Tough call.  The last thing I want is for George Lucas to make more money, but on the other hand, hearing about Jabba the Hutt’s gay uncle was probably the highlight of my week.  Shut up, I don’t need your pity.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona
A Woody Allen movie starring Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem, and Scarlett Johansson. On the plus side, many are calling it a return to the Woody Allen of old.  The downside?  No chihuahuas.

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TROPIC THUNDER FACES RETARD BOYCOTT

Written by Vince Mancini / 08.11.08

People are pissed about Tropic Thunder’s repeated use of "retard", saying the term is offensive to retards.  They’re even threatening some kind of retarded boycott.

“Not only might it happen, it will happen,” Timothy P. Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics, said of the expected push for a boycott. Speaking by phone, Mr. Shriver said he planned to be in Los Angeles with representatives of his group and others to picket the movie’s premiere on Monday evening in this city’s Westwood district.

Mr. Shriver said that he had also begun to ask members of Congress for a resolution condemning what he called the movie’s “hate speech” and calling for stronger federal support of the intellectually disabled.

“The most disappointing thing, the most incredible thing, is that nobody caught it,” said Mr. Shriver, who, as a co-producer of the DreamWorks film “Amistad,” is no stranger to the studio. He spoke of what he described as the studio’s and the filmmakers’ blatant disregard for the disabled even as they stepped carefully around other potentially offensive references, notably in a story line that has Robert Downey Jr. playing a white actor who changes his skin color to play a black soldier.

At times like these, it’s a good thing retards have Tim Shriver to fight for them.  People are already calling him "The Ghandi of Retards", "Martin Luther King Retard," and "The Retard Whisperer."

Over the weekend an ad-hoc coalition of more than a dozen disabilities groups — including the Arc of the United States, the National Down Syndrome Congress, the American Association of People With Disabilities and others — laid the groundwork for public protests to begin Monday.

“I came out feeling like I had been assaulted,” said David C. Tolleson, executive director of the Down syndrome group who saw the movie. [NyTimes]

Hey, David, that wasn’t the movie, that was millions of people desperately wanting to punch you.  "Retarded" means "slow."  Whether used as an insult or to refer to an actual retarded person, it’s actually pretty accurate.  Do the retards mind being called retard?  I’m guessing not.  Even a retard knows that not calling him a retard isn’t going to make him not a retard. 

On a related note I’d really like to remake RoboCop with an all-retard cast.  It could be called Full Metal Retard.

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