Sadly, I haven’t had time for normal Friday Free For All posts these past few weeks, but I couldn’t forget about it today, because ever since I posted that V-Nasty clip the other day, I’ve been bombarded with emails linking me to countless other how-can-this-be-real raps. “Rap”, that’s what the kids call it, right? Its rambunctious jungle rhythm frightens me. In any case, the best of the bunch was this video from the self-proclaimed “number one female Chicano rapper,” “Miss Lady Pink,” whom I assume is married to “Mr. Gentleman Dong.” Thanks to Fernando for sending this one in.

The song’s called “Gangsta Freak,” and it begins with the lines “Get over here, G, and let me grab your c*ck, is it hard enough for me to just jump on top? I love me gangsta d*ck, all night long, I got the bomb-ass p*ssy and my (??) is strong,” all delivered while she smokes cigarette in a hot tub artfully covering her belly. I wonder where she went to finishing school.

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Based on the date and the number of views, there’s a fair chance some of you have already seen this video.  To those people I say, go wait in the lobby while the rest of us share this incredible discovery.  Okay, they’re gone. HOLY SH*T, YOU GUYS! DID YOU SEE THAT? I can’t. Stop. Watching. This is my new Creed Shreds. I’ve seen this six times now.  Remember in Mars Attacks, how everyone assumed the aliens were speaking a foreign language, but then they just slowed down the tape and suddenly it all made sense?  This is kind of like that. You slow it down a little bit and suddenly you realize what you’ve actually been watching.  That, and it’s a total turn on, because you think, “Whoa, I don’t even have to get this chick drunk.”

DO IT! CALL HER CUTIE! CUTIE PATOOTIE! CALL HER CUTIE PATOOTIE RIGHT THIS SECOND OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

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This is an undoctored photo from the actual lab. Seriously.

This week’s non-movie-related story is a doozy: Japanese scientists have discovered a way to create edible steaks out of human feces.  Juicy, delicious, satisfying poop steaks, especially if the humans are grass fed.  I’m already thinking of a sci-fi script based around the process. Soylent Brown, I call it.

It’s being called the “poop burger”. Japanese scientists have found a way to create artificial meat from sewage containing human feces.
Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement. Tokyo Sewage approached the scientist because of an overabundance of sewage mud. They asked him to explore the possible uses of the sewage and Ikeda found that the mud contained a great deal of protein because of all the bacteria.

Whoa whoa whoa, buddy, we said find something to do with it, not make food out of it.  We thought you would just sculpt it into a life-like sex doll or something.

The researchers then extracted those proteins, combined them with a reaction enhancer and put it in an exploder which created the artificial steak. The “meat” is 63% proteins, 25% carbohydrates, 3% lipids and 9% minerals. The researchers color the poop meat red with food coloring and enhance the flavor with soy protein. Initial tests have people saying it even tastes like beef.
Inhabitat notes that “the meatpacking industry causes 18 percent of our greenhouse gas emissions, mostly due to the release of methane from animals.” Livestock also consume huge amounts of resources and space in efforts to feed ourselves as well as the controversy over cruelty to animals. Ikeda’s recycled poop burger would reduce waste and emissions, not to mention obliterating Dante’s circle for gluttons.

Just planning ahead here, I think you might need a catchier name than “Recycled Poop Burger.”  Oops, spoke too soon, looks like Jerry Bruckheimer already wants to buy the option.

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This is a documentary series called The Scheme that aired on British TV, brought to my attention by Frotcast listener and Scotland resident Johnny R, who says it’s like the Scottish answer to Jersey Shore.  I’m not sure what the object of this show was, but I think if you can understand more than four words in a row at any given time, you win a prize.  Sweet mother of farts, everyone in this clip makes Spud from Trainspotting sound like Marv Albert.

Okay, the crying mother at the one-minute mark, let’s try to break down what she says:

“It’s is [?] there comes a time, when, eh… cos it’s reassure… that man who’d said he caught him with the Bin Laden bastards… no doubt, the blind kids… he fairly did an echidna.”

I have no idea what it means, but I watched it six times and I’m pretty sure that’s what she says.

I know I haven’t done Friday Free For All in a few weeks, but I’m going to make it up to you today with the 1989 musical video for Angela Winbush’s “It’s the Real Thing.” This video is notable for featuring both a young Don Cheadle and a profusion of sequined baseball hats.  Cheadle would later go on to score an Oscar nomination for 2004′s Hotel Rwanda, but nowhere was he able to display the sense of fun and whimsy he showed here.  All you really need to know about this video is the exchange at the beginning, after Winbush shows up to the car wash in her Ferrari Testarossa.

CAR WASH ATTENDANT: “Hot wax?”

ANGELA WINBUSH: “The hottest.”

Aw, yeah, son, I’m gettin all hot!  So does that mean she’s gonna have to change her name to Angela Waxedbush?  Honestly, I’m curious.  I’m frightened and confused by the 80s.

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