I know, I know – this has been done to death already. Michael Shannon did it. A fake Morgan Freeman did it. A million “hilarious” YouTube comics all did it. But I will listen to Gilbert Gottfried read just about anything, especially the awesomeness that was the angry Delta Gamma sister’s email to her sh*tty sorority sisters. And especially since they made her turn in her pin. Unbelievable. Anyway, Gottfried screaming, “C*nt punt” is pretty much the best thing that I’ll ever hear, so this should be the very last of these videos.
I wish I had a nickel for every time I had to type this, but here’s a video of a lady who shreds a guy’s chair to splinters with spinning razor blades attached to her nipples. The sawdust on the floor was a nice touch. Does anyone know what movie this is from? Getting the tassels to spin in opposite directions like that takes coordination. She makes Odd Job look like a clumsy oaf.
UPDATE: I’m told the clip comes from 1979′s The Man from S.E.X. Also known as “Licensed to Love and Kill.” So, presumably a Bond parody already. Well done, world.
Phew, now that Marvel’s whole sexism kerfuffle is over with, we can go back to focusing on the important things, like this video of a koala tuggin’ off. You’d think koalas, who sleep 20 hours a day because of the psychoactive drugs in the eucalyptus leaves they eat (koalas: nature’s stoners), would masturbate in a sleepy, lackadaisical fashion. But quite the opposite is true. Turns out, koalas masturbate like rabbits f*ck. I bet before this, some koala broad was all, “Not now, Angus, I’m sleepy!” And Angus here was all, “Foine, ya think Oy need a Shiela, Oi’ll jus go finish meself off meself!” Hrrrrnnnnggghhhh….
At least, that’s how I imagine masturbating koalas talk. You know how koalas do. Koalas are so cute, he probably ejaculates glitter and cuddles.
Because I love you and I want you to be happy, here is an additional video a tortoise having sex with a child’s tricycle. Read the rest of this entry »
I was in the middle of writing my Lincoln review when I saw this video, and I immediately dropped everything to write up a Friday Free For All post around it. It’s that good. Rebecca Black’s “Friday” producer at Ark Music Factory in LA has a new protegé, by the name of Nicole Westbrook. Now, I’m one of those people who makes no apologies for loving “Friday” unironically. It’s catchy! If you don’t think “Friday” is a better song than “Tik Tok” or “Moves Like Jagger” you are a legitimate moron with cow pies for ears. Anyway, Ark’s Patrice Wilson is back, with a song about Thanksgiving, performed by Nicole Westbrook, and it is nothing short of a goddamned masterpiece. Patrice Wilson is this guy, by the way:
Just a black dude in a turkey costume singing songs to a bunch of rich white kids while they eat, nothing weird about that. If the black guy wasn’t the producer I’d swear this was the most racist thing ever. “Hey, you know what’d be cool? If I showed up to some white kids’ house dressed like a turkey and ate all their ribs.”
And you’ll be glad to know that the man who once wrote “yesterday is Thursday, today it is Friday, tomorrow it is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards” has NOT LOST his magic with the word:
December was Chistmas. January was New Year’s. April was Easter. And the 4th of July, but NOW IT’S THANKSGIVING!
With the turkey AY! Mashed potatoes AY!
Can’t be hateful/gotta be grateful/mashed potatoes on my table…
I got ribs/smellin up my neighbor’s cribs
A Rebecca Black-esque song about food? OH MY GOD, SOMEONE’S INVADED MY WHEELHOUSE! THEY TOOK EVERYTHING!
My favorite moment of the video is when this kid shows up to Nicole Westbrook’s house, and he’s all like, “Yo, what up, girl, I brought you some food or whateva, wanna get durrrty?”
Today’s Friday Free For All video (that’s our weekly non-film-related diversion) was an easy choice: Downistie, an actualDutch soap opera starring an all-Down-Syndrome cast. I’m told it’s the Netherlands’ answer to our Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Somehow this has existed for more than a year and no one told me about it before now. You’re all fired. And yes, it was also the Dutch who brought us The Human Centipede. They are a sick people. Yet, now that I know this exists, I can’t help but pray that someone also makes Downston Abbey.
