Oooh, look at me, I’m Brad Cooper, I’m a super-handsome movie star who also speaks fluent French, I’m sooooo great.  Whatever, dude. Can you do this? (*flips eyelids inside out, rolls stomach, falls through coffee table*)

I think if you turn up the sound on this video, you can actually hear the sound of the anchor’s ovaries ripening.  I hear fertility doctors now use this video as a way to induce ovulation. Hell, I think my vagina just moistened, and I don’t even have one. (That the cops know about…).  Ugh.  Show off.  Look man, just promise us you won’t do any Kate Hudson rom-coms.  Deal?

I still remember where I was the first time I saw the teaser for Rubber.  I was sitting here on my jack-off couch, writing about it.  (What? I didn’t say it was a good story.)  I remember it because Rubber is a movie about a psycho-kinetic tire that explodes people’s heads.  Additionally, the tire is named “Robert.” That seems important.

RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with, and truly a movie villain for the ages. In theaters April 1st.  [Apple]

Rubber was directed by Quentin Dupieux, a “legendary electro musician” also known as Mr. Oizo.  Do you know how awesome a movie would have to be for me not to make fun of it for being directed by a French techno musician (that’s like the pink unicorn of gay horses!)?  It would have to be scrotum-clenchingly kickass.  It would have to be about an evil tire.

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This is the trailer for Luc Besson’s Les Aventures Extrodinaire d’Adele Blanc-Sec, which looks basically like the French, female Indiana Jones (“Indiana” always seemed like a girl’s name anyway).  The trailer is all in French, but that hardly matters when pterodactyls are involved.

The film is the first in a projected trilogy of films based on the nine-volume series by French cartoonist Jaques Tardi. Set in 1912, Adèle Blanc-Sec is a reporter who, according to the AFM synopsis, “fearlessly battling crooks, corrupt politicians, demon worshippers and mad scientists” as “a 136 million-year old pterodactyl egg on a shelf in the natural history museum has mysteriously hatched, and the bird subjects the city to a reign of terror from the skies.” [via ThePlaylist]

That’s right, and did I mention a talking mummy?  Because that’s in there too.  And just when you’re like, “Wait, isn’t this a French movie?  What about the getting naked and smoking?”  BOOM!  She gets naked and starts smoking.

I’m a little rusty, but I believe “Blanc-Sec” is French for “Hair Diaper.”

I’ve already posted four or five different trailers for Inglourious Basterds, so I was a little surprised to see that this French version is both significantly different and better than anything they’ve put out so far.  This one focuses a little more on the plot and a little less on HEY BRAD PITT IS IN THIS MOVIE, and is a lot better at reminding me that I really want to see this.  Til Schweiger (as crazed killer Hugo Stiglitz) gets a lot more screen time, as does Christopher Waltz, who gives a Cannes Best Actor Award-winning performance as Hans Landa The Jew Hunter in French, English, and German. He also speaks Italian, but his accent is simply ghaastly.  In related news, Tom Cruise has a special assistant whose only job is to open child-proof containers.

[via /Film]

After the jump I’ve got the trailer for Black, a French blaxploitation film that premiered to positive reviews at SXSW.  It looks sorta like a movie Guy Ritchie would make if he were French and Black.  If I were French and black, I’d wear a speedo and run around town air humping.  “Ooh la la,” I’d say while gesturing at my huge penis.
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