The trailer for Les Miserables is here, from The King’s Speech director Tom Hooper, and as you can see, it is going to win ALL OF THE OSCARS! Don’t believe me? This is only a partial list of the things you can expect to see in Les Miserables:

• POVERTY!

• SINGING!

• FRENCH!

• WHITE PEOPLE HAVING AFFAIRS!

• HATS!

• CRYING ANNE HATHAWAY!

• FAMOUS ACTORS LOOKING FILTHY!

• FINGERLESS GLOVES!

• A PRECOCIOUS CHILD!

• HELENA BONHAM CARTER LOOKING HOMELESS!

Sorry, other movies, Les Miserables is winning all of your awards. Somewhere, Ben Affleck is sadly putting his beard on a shelf saying to himself, “Next time, old friend. Next time.”

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Leos Carax’s Holy Motors premiered at Cannes in May and Fantastic Fest in September, where it’s racked up rave reviews (above 90 on RottenTomatoes) and was picked up for distribution by Indomina. It’s out now in New York, expands nationally in November, and just released an English-language trailer, which you can watch below.

Over the course of a single day, Monsieur Oscar travels by limousine around Paris to a series of nine “appointments,” transforming into new characters or incarnations at each stop.  Fetched in the morning by Céline, his trusty chauffeur on this surreal journey, Oscar begins the day as a captain of industry.  Then he becomes a gypsy crone, begging for spare change on a bridge over the Seine.  Inside a digital production facility, heʼs a ninja warrior transformed by cutting edge technology into a reptilian sex god.  Next heʼs a gibberish-spewing troglodyte who kidnaps a fashion model from a photo shoot in Père-Lachaise cemetery, ferrying her to his underground lair in the sewers.  Then heʼs the melancholy father of a teenage daughter, followed by a shadowy assassin sent to kill his own doppelgänger, a dying old man, and finally a thwarted lover revisiting a flame from his past atop a decaying Right Bank department store next to the Pont-Neuf.  Monster movie, film noir, romantic drama, musical, crime thriller, futuristic sex fantasia… HOLY MOTORS is all of these and, then again, none of these.

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Oooh, look at me, I’m Brad Cooper, I’m a super-handsome movie star who also speaks fluent French, I’m sooooo great.  Whatever, dude. Can you do this? (*flips eyelids inside out, rolls stomach, falls through coffee table*)

I think if you turn up the sound on this video, you can actually hear the sound of the anchor’s ovaries ripening.  I hear fertility doctors now use this video as a way to induce ovulation. Hell, I think my vagina just moistened, and I don’t even have one. (That the cops know about…).  Ugh.  Show off.  Look man, just promise us you won’t do any Kate Hudson rom-coms.  Deal?

I still remember where I was the first time I saw the teaser for Rubber.  I was sitting here on my jack-off couch, writing about it.  (What? I didn’t say it was a good story.)  I remember it because Rubber is a movie about a psycho-kinetic tire that explodes people’s heads.  Additionally, the tire is named “Robert.” That seems important.

RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with, and truly a movie villain for the ages. In theaters April 1st.  [Apple]

Rubber was directed by Quentin Dupieux, a “legendary electro musician” also known as Mr. Oizo.  Do you know how awesome a movie would have to be for me not to make fun of it for being directed by a French techno musician (that’s like the pink unicorn of gay horses!)?  It would have to be scrotum-clenchingly kickass.  It would have to be about an evil tire.

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This is the trailer for Luc Besson’s Les Aventures Extrodinaire d’Adele Blanc-Sec, which looks basically like the French, female Indiana Jones (“Indiana” always seemed like a girl’s name anyway).  The trailer is all in French, but that hardly matters when pterodactyls are involved.

The film is the first in a projected trilogy of films based on the nine-volume series by French cartoonist Jaques Tardi. Set in 1912, Adèle Blanc-Sec is a reporter who, according to the AFM synopsis, “fearlessly battling crooks, corrupt politicians, demon worshippers and mad scientists” as “a 136 million-year old pterodactyl egg on a shelf in the natural history museum has mysteriously hatched, and the bird subjects the city to a reign of terror from the skies.” [via ThePlaylist]

That’s right, and did I mention a talking mummy?  Because that’s in there too.  And just when you’re like, “Wait, isn’t this a French movie?  What about the getting naked and smoking?”  BOOM!  She gets naked and starts smoking.

I’m a little rusty, but I believe “Blanc-Sec” is French for “Hair Diaper.”