According to the latest story, internationally famous brunette sex symbol Angelina Jolie will soon be starring as internationally famous blonde sex symbol Marilyn Monroe.  Dogs and cats!  Living together!  Record scratch slide whistle!  George Clooney will supposedly play Frank Sinatra, and the story will be told from the perspective of Monroe’s dog, a gift from Sinatra.  All this according to the book’s author, Andrew O’Hagan (ie, it’s highly probable that none of this is happening, but is a great way to promote your book).

The Life and Opinions of Maf the Dog, and of His Friend Marilyn Monroe follows Monroe’s last two years through the eyes of her pet, Maf, a Maltese terrier which was a gift from Sinatra in 1960. [Telegraph]

In November 1960, Frank Sinatra gave Marilyn Monroe a dog. His name was Mafia Honey, or Maf for short. He had an instinct for celebrity. For politics. For psychoanalysis. For literature. For interior decoration. For Liver Treat with a side order of National Biscuits.
Born in the household of Vanessa Bell, brought to the United States by Natalie Wood’s mother, given as a Christmas present to Marilyn the winter after she separated from Arthur Miller, Maf offers a keen insight into the world of Hollywood’s greatest star. Not to mention a hilarious peek into the brain of an opinionated, well-read, politically scrappy, complex canine hero. [book description via Amazon]

So basically, Forrest Gump as narrated by Brian from Family Guy.  Meh.  I’d rather Clooney play an anthropomorphic dog with a big black snout in a suit and tie.  Possibly even a gay dog, like when he did the voice for the gay dog in South Park.  Now there’s your movie, you clowns.

Dino, Sinatra, and Birthday Dog's great uncle, Geno P. Birthday Dog Sr.

Alternate Headline: OLD ITALIAN WANTS OLD ITALIANS TO PLAY DEAD ITALIANS.

Marty Scorsese has a lot of rumored projects on his plate, including The Irishman and a 3D adaptation of The Invention of Hugo Cabret, but while promoting Shutter Island in India recently, he dropped some bigger news.  Why, I read it, and den I get-a so happy, one-a mama’s a-meatballs squirt-a right inna my lap!   (*grabs crotch*)  Look, mama’s-a meatball, she land-a right-a here!  (*gesticulates wildly, smokes cigarettes*)

The conversation veers towards his plans to do a film on the life of Frank Sinatra. “I’ve had it in mind for a long time. Even the initial script is ready. I’m yet to spot the actor who can bring back Frank Sinatra alive on screen. My choice is Al Pacino, and Robert De Niro as Dean Martin.” [TheHindu]

Scorsese had previously said about the project:

“We can’t go through the greatest hits of Sinatra’s life. We tried this already. Just can’t do it. So the other way to go is to have three or four different Sinatras. Younger. Older. Middle-aged. Very old. You cut back and forth in time – and you do it through the music. See what I’m saying? So that’s what we’re trying for. It’s very tricky [laughs].” [ThePlaylist]

My favorite line in Anchorman is still “He wore suits so fine it made Frank Sinatra look like a hobo.”  Anyway, this project is still firmly in the “nothing concrete” stage, but I can’t imagine a studio not wanting to finance a Scorsese Sinatra biopic, nor can I imagine DeNiro or Scorsese turning down the chance to play Sinatra and Dean Martin.  Al Pacino playing Frank Sinatra would be for Italians what Al Pacino playing Tony Montana is for black dudes.   You can read about it and more in my upcoming book, Vaguely Racist SAT Analogies.

(You might not have to keep chugging water all night if you didn’t wear a wool-lined overcoat indoors, genius)

Let’s get one thing clear, I’m reporting this because I admire the balls it takes to print it, not because it’s the least bit true.  That said, Jamie Foxx is reportedly a “potential contender” for the lead role in

Foxx, who won a Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Ray Charles in the 2004 film Ray, reportedly considered to be “perfect” for the role. If he is chosen for the part, it will be one of the most prominent examples of “colour-blind” casting in Hollywood history.

Also in the running are George Clooney, Leonardo di Caprio, Harry Connick Jnr and Justin Timberlake. [And anyone else whose name is a popular search term! -Ed.]

An unnamed source [Fibby McLiemouth, perhaps?] told the Daily Express: “Cool is colour-blind. Jamie would seem to be born to the role [...in opposite land.]. Magnificent singing voice, totally convincing acting ability, like Frank himself, born the wrong side of the tracks, rags to riches, makes it big against the odds, has his brushes with authority. The guy’s a gift.” [Telegraph]

Another similarity is that Jamie Foxx is often called ‘Old Brown Eye’ (because he’s an asshole, you see).  But yeah, they should definitely make Sinatra a black guy.  Italians are notoriously good sports about this kind of stuff.

(Separated at birth?)

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! Will humans land on Mars?  Is purple the new pink? Would this monkey let me squeeze her tits for a banana?  No one knows for sure, and that means we’re free to speculate wildly! Yee haw!

Considering Leonardo DiCaprio’s been the star of Marty Scorsese’s last four movies and has blue eyes (so dreamy…),the obvious speculation was that he’d be the guy to star in Scorsese’s Sinatra flick. But now Nikki Finke has some news to the contrary. Well, maybe not news, exactly…

I hear Universal’s first choice to fill the role may be Johnny Depp. The studio is thrilled with his performance in this summer’s forthcoming Public Enemies and very much wants to stay in the Johnny Depp business. Besides, it’s already been determined that the lead actor playing Sinatra won’t be singing. The movie will feature Sinatra’s own recordings thanks to a deal with Frank Sinatra Enterprises, guaranteeing the participation of the Sinatra estate and Warner Music Group. Besides, Scorsese and Depp have never worked together: that alone could be reason enough to see this pic. [DHD]

Well good thing they caught Public Enemies, otherwise who knows where they could’ve seen an obscure arthouse thesp like Johnny Depp?  That guy’s hardly in anything.  Anyway, whatever happens, I wish them luck.  My great grandparents have been in the Johnny Depp business since they came over from the old country, and it’s hard honest work.

A fairly-certain-sounding Nikki Finke is reporting exclusively [now confirmed by Variety] that Universal has acquired the rights to a biopic about Frank Sinatra, as well as permission from the Sinatra family, with Martin Scorsese attached to direct.

“This has been a passion project for [producer] Peter Guber for a long time, and first he got together with the Sinatra Estate and then with Scorsese who’s also a huge Sinatra fan,” an insider tells me. Tina [Frank's youngest daughter] herself has told journalists in the past that she would “trust Scorsese implicitly” to “present the truth” about her father because he’s also an Italian-American.

And the best part about it is that it probably torpedoes any shot Brett Ratner had at making the Rat Pack movie he had planned with Chris Tucker (seriously though, that was on the table at one point).  Wow, a movie about Sinatra from the guy who did Goodfellas?  Can you imagine?  I think I just wopgasmed.  Can’t stop… gesturing at crotch…