If you’re James Cameron, how do you top the highest-grossing movie of all time?  You don’t, you just try to make the same thing over again a couple times.  You’d think a guy who made f-you money last year (not to mention f-me, f-your sister, and f any high-priced call girl or Russian peasant I damn well please money) would be able to do what he wants, and James Cameron can, but for whatever reason, he’s always had a bit of a JRR Tolkien bug up his ass about Avatar.  He doesn’t just want to make the movie, he wants to turn it into a trilogy, write the novelizations, invent the language, and draw up an entirely new font for the subtitles to be 3D-projected in.  That is to say, it seems to be a creative decision and not a business decision.  Either that, or hunting human beings for sport is a lot more expensive than we once thought.  First you have to pay off the families, then there’s bribes to the government, the kind of maids that don’t ask questions, then there’s the yacht and the guns and the guys who make booby traps, not to mention the insurance — it never ends!

James Cameron has locked in a  deal with Fox to make Avatar 2 and 3, due in theaters December 2014 and December 2015 respectively.

Said the director in a statement, “Our goal is to meet and exceed the global audience’s expectations for the richness of AVATAR’s visual world and the power of the storytelling. In the second and third films, which will be self contained stories that also fulfill a greater story arc, we will not back off the throttle of AVATAR’s visual and emotional horsepower, and will continue to explore its themes and characters, which touched the hearts of audiences in all cultures around the world.” [HollywoodReporter]

Whoa, I know she died in the first film, but did anyone else just read that as, “Michelle Rodriguez is back, baby!”?   In any case, shrewd business man that I am, I’ve already begun buying stock in the Papyrus font company.

There’ve been so many GD Darren Aronofsky stories over the last couple weeks that I could a separate site called What Will Darren Aronofsky Do.com.  But now at least it seems like there’s actual news to report, so I’m just going to rush through it as fast as I can.  Long story short, it looks like he’s going to direct Wolverine 2 after all:

One of Hollywood’s biggest directing gigs looks done. Darren Aronofsky’s deal to direct 20th Century Fox’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2  is close enough that discussion has turned to shooting the sound stage portions of the film in New York so the filmmaker and Hugh Jackman don’t have to inconvenience their families. A March start date is being eyed so that Aronofsky has time to open Black Swan and be available for the inevitable awards season obligations. When the New York scenes are completed, they’ll head to Japan to shoot the bulk of the Christopher McQuarrie-scripted movie. [Deadline]

Notice they said “biggest”, not “best.” How the hell did they get the director of The Wrestler and the writer of Usual Suspects to take Fox’s sloppy seconds?  I guess it’s better than getting Brett Ratner, but am I really supposed to be happy about this news?  It’s like hiring an Iron Chef to dress my nachos at the Am/Pm.  Will these nachos taste better?  Yeah, probably, but I think I’d rather just go to his restaurant.

Behold, the stupidest story in history. That’s right, someone just paid SEVEN FIGURES for the rights to FAMILY CIRCUS, the worst comic strip in the paper, which is like being the world’s shortest midget, or Helen Keller in the valley of the blind. Having to put a positive spin on stories like this is what drives Variety writers crazy.  My journalistic inverted pyramid for this: 1. This is the stupidest thing that has ever happened.  2. Who what where when how. 3. Of course it was Fox.

20th Century Fox has teamed with Walden Media to buy rights to Bil Keane’s venerable [please kill yourself] syndicated comic strip The Family Circus, and they’ve hired Bob Hilgenberg & Rob Muir to script a live action feature. It is the most widely syndicated strip in the world, according to King Features. A number of studios competed for the rights for what is envisioned as a multiple quadrant family franchise. [Deadline]

The COMIC isn’t even multiple quadrant.  It is literally one frame.  Who the hell are these people?  The only way Family Circus has entered the public consciousness AT ALL in the last 20 years is when film characters are mystified by how unbelievably sucky it is, like Timothy Olyphant in Go. These people cannot be the same species as me.

Though several members of the Keane clan have become film animators, Bil Keane resisted making a film deal all these years. Producer Baldecchi spent two years trying to track them down. He got Keane’s number, but never had his messages returned. [I'M BIL KEANE, MUTHAF*CKA! I'M WAY TOO BUSY THINKIN' UP PUNS! -Ed.] One day, Baldecchi called and Keane picked up the phone. He made enough of an impression that Keane introduced the producer to his son Jeff. Soon they had an agreement to move forward and then studios got involved. I’m told the deal was six figures against seven-figures [in "blank" against "blank" deals, the second number is how much you get if they actually make the movie] and went to Fox and Walden, which are partnered in the upcoming The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

I was sitting here trying to figure out why this project sounded so familiar, and then I realized: I had the idea for a Family Circus movie myself TWO YEARS AGO, LITERALLY AS AN EXAMPLE OF THE DUMBEST THING I COULD THINK OF.  So for the writers trying to get a feel for this project, Hilgenberg & Muir (currently hard at work on Meet the Haunteds), here’s the secret.  Are you ready?  Okay, here goes: THINK OF AN IDIOTIC, PAINFULLY UNFUNNY ONE-WORD PUN. EXAMPLE: DRAW JEFFY AT HIS GRANDMA’S FUNERAL WITH A PUP TENT IN HIS PANTS.  GIVE HIM A SPEECH BUBBLE THAT SAYS, “BUT DADDY, YOU NEVER WARNED ME ABOUT MOURNING WOOD!” CONGRATULATIONS!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU HAVE WRITTEN EVERY FAMILY CIRCUS COMIC FOR THE LAST 160 YEARS!  COLLECT ONE MILLION DOLLARS, CACKLE WILDLY AT THE STUPIDITY OF MANKIND!

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"Damn, it seems one of them wasn't fooled by my disguise. Think, Aronofsky, think!"

You could start an entire site dedicated solely to movies Darren Aronofsky is rumored to be possibly thinking of directing.  He was supposedly interested in Superman before Zack Snyder got the job, and last we heard about Wolverine 2, the directing job was between David Slade and Aronofsky.  Now, Deadline says the job is Aronofsky’s if he wants it.  Can’t say I fault the media strategy.  The only way I was ever going to care about this project was by association to the guy most recently known for aggressive lesbian ballerina sex.

Aronofsky and Hugh Jackman already have a close relationship after they made The Fountain, and Aronofsky recently met with Fox chief Tom Rothman seeking the kind of creative control he’s accustomed to. There was a lull in the talks when Aronofsky briefly flirted with directing Superman, but that job went to Zack Snyder. Meanwhile, Darren has developed some serious heat off festival showings of Black Swan. I’m not sure if he’s going to do Wolverine 2, but it’s his job if he wants it — and they are talking.

If anyone can do it, Aronofsky can, but this seems like a thankless project.  I mean, it’s never going to live up to the first one.  It’d be like making a sequel to the Sistine Chapel, or Black Knight.

I’ve mentioned the planned adaptation of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (by Pride and Prejudice and Zombies author Seth Grahame-Smith) a few times now, but today’s news is that Fox has “won” a bidding war for the project.  It will be in 3D (duh) with Wanted‘s Timur Bekmambetov directing, Tim Burton producing, and a $69 million budget.  Grahame-Smith will write the script.  So, how did Fox manage to secure this surefire hit?  By colossal tools, apparently.

Fox went all out to win rights to the project, giving a detailed pitch for the film’s production, marketing, and release.  Studio higher-ups didn’t stop there.  When the filmmakers entered the Fox lot, they were greeted by a huge banner, plus parking signs stating, “Parking for Vampire Hunters Only, Park at your own risk.”

A banner and fake, personalized street signs?  Well la di dah.  Suddenly my birthday trip to the county fair when I was six doesn’t seem so hot.

Next there were bloody footprints lining the walkway and steps leading from their cars to the meeting with Fox execs.  Posters lining the hallway of the executive building showed images from the book and lines from the script, while there were silver bullets in a bowl at the check-in desk.

“I see you’ve read enough of my book to make photocopies, yet not enough to know that silver bullets kill werewolves, not vampires.  Very impressive.”

The showmanship continued.  Bloody axes were strewn about and a bugle player with a Confederate uniform played “Taps.”  [Variety]

And as they were about to leave, Fox presented the filmmakers with a scrapbook of their meeting, featuring a polaroid-filled photo album with “Best Friends Forever!” written on the cover in puffy paint.  Christ, this whole article gives me major douche chills. But let’s take a step back.  What exactly did Fox secure the rights to again?

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