Is there going to be a superhero movie where the hero DOESN’T start out all beardy and disheveled at the beginning of the trailer? If so, it won’t be Wolverine in The Wolverine, who’s already kind of beardy and disheveled to begin with, but still manages to start this new trailer EVEN MORE BEARDY AND DISHEVELEDER. GET A JOB, WOLVERINE! THE BUMS LOST!

“Go away, I have at least 15 more minutes of pretending not to be interested in fighting.”

You wonder if they do that in superhero movies hoping that it’ll somehow even out when the guy has to run around in tights later. But not Wolverine, he doesn’t do gay stuff like spandex tights. He wears leather and rides a motorcycle and chomps a big penis-shaped cigar because he’s super tough. GRRR, FOOTBALL!

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X-Men First Class was better than it had any right to be, especially after the infamously rushed production schedule. A lot of people credit Matthew Vaughn for making it as good as it was, which makes it slightly worrisome that he dropped out of the sequel, leaving X-Men Days of Future Past to Bryan Singer, whose last few movies have been underwhelming. But so far Singer’s doing everything right, and by that I mean he tweeted a picture of naked Jennifer Lawrence getting her Mystique makeup applied. Well played, Singer, well played. You are my kind of auteur. BUT WAIT! Did I just say “Naked Jennifer Lawrence?” I did indeed say “Naked Jennifer Lawrence,” and “Naked Jennifer Lawrence” is exactly what I meant.

(*pulls out two prop pistols, fires, flags emerge from barrels reading “Search Engine Optimization” and “$$$$$”*)

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Early this morning, Jeff Sneider at TheWrap filed a story that Michael B. Jordan (best known as Wallace in The Wire) was “in contention” to play The Human Torch in Fox’s Fantastic Four Reboot. It’s hard to know what “in contention” or “being considered” even really mean as it relates to casting, but Fantastic Four is being directed by Josh Trank of Chronicle, which also starred Michael B. Jordan, whose star is sure to be on the rise after starring in the critically acclaimed festival darling Fruitvale (now Fruitvale Station), so I guess it would make sense. Sure, why not, he’s a good actor. Either way, in and of itself, this news item is still a few facts away from me giving a shit.

But of course, this wouldn’t make Kerfuffle Watch without a kerfuffle, or at least a fracas with a whiff of hubbubelry. OH MY GOD, A BLACK GUY MIGHT PLAY A WHITE CHARACTER! Just search “human torch black” on Twitter if you want to see some pissed off people. But I wouldn’t recommend it, because let’s be honest, if you go snooping around pond bottoms, you’re going to find scum. It’s not a surprise. The age old argument in play here is, “Wouldn’t black guys be pissed if a white guy was cast as a black character?!” Probably, but I don’t feel like playing make believe in order to predict whether people might be offended by something. They probably will. Someone, somewhere, will be. All things being equal, yeah, a white guy could play a black guy from a comic book and vice versa, and everyone would be fine with it. But all things aren’t quite equal yet, there’s still the memory of minstrel shows and black people being underrepresented and blah blah blah. Maybe some day it will be just as okay for a white dude to play a black dude as vice versa, but we’re not quite there yet. So in the meantime, maybe just shut up about it because who really cares anyway.

Let’s not forget, we’re talking about The Human Torch here, a character named “Johnny Storm,” who is literally flaming. The people worried that the character might be black don’t seem at all troubled by the fact that he’s super duper gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are gay superheros. Look, all I’m saying is, if a black guy playing The Human Torch is something that legitimately troubles you, I’m going to wedgie you with your own Klan robes, you tumbling, tumbling dickweed.

Photo Credit: Phil Stafford / Shutterstock.com / Marvel.com

Man, if I had a nickel for every action movie trailer that started off with the hero all unkempt with a long beard and hair, claiming to have sworn off whatever it was that makes him the star of the movie. “That’s not who I am anymore,” hirsute Wolverine tells the Japanese chick who’s come looking for Wolverine in the new full-length trailer. Like duh, lady, no one rocks the Jesus look unless they’re hiding from something. Luckily, to become Wolverine, all he has to do is trim his beard a little and shave of the mustache spot above his lip. It’s the kind of facial that says “I may have gotten my act together, but I’m still a scruffy rogue.” I just hope they explain it somehow. “Quick, Wolverine! It’s time to groom yourself out of retirement!” “Okay, but all I have is this beard trimmer and three minutes!”

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This week has been a busy one for the Wolverine: We’re Calling It “The Wolverine” In The Hopes That You’ll Forget About The Last One. First they released a new batch of posters like the one you see above, featuring Hugh Jackman getting greased up and veiny for his battle with a horde of anonymous Asians (Peter North did it first). Then they released a six-second Vine trailer (all Vine videos are six-seconds long), which plays like a perfect satire of every action movie trailer of the last 10 years:

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