Someone sent this to me a few days ago and I held off on posting it because I figured it wasn’t time sensitive — A CLASSIC BLUNDER!  Even a fool would know that only Steven Seagal exists outside the realm of space and time.  A few other sites have posted it since then, but no matter: it was silly of me to try to claim ownership of the knowledge that Gary Busey once played a man who gets reincarnated as a dog in the 2003 movie Quigley. This information belongs to all of us, like the air, or the ocean, or mp3s. Gary probably spent years growling at coyotes to prepare for the role.

Archie is a rich practical joker, one week away from playing a CD-Rom that will change the lives of his trusted manager Dexter [Booger from Revenge of the Nerds] and other employees forever, when he is suddenly involved in a deadly accident. Archie quickly discovers that instead of entering Heaven’s pearly gates, he is being sent back to earth to clean up the mess he’s created. Since Archie has an absolute dislike for animals, especially dogs, it is quickly decided he return to earth as a dog. Not any dog, mind you, but a fluffy white Pomeranian named “Quigley.”

This time around (*RECORD SCRATCH*), a DOG cleans up after the HUMANs!  Now look, I know I turn everything into a poop joke, but I don’t think I was reading too much into the synopsis here considering the trailer begins with an old timey smash zoom into a pile of dog poop.  See for yourself:

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A few people this week sent me this short compilation of scenes from F.A.R.T. The Movie (which was recently dug up by the guys at FoundFootageFest), as naturally when people see a movie dedicated to farts, I’m the first person they think of.  I appreciate that.  Wikipedia describes the plot thusly:

F.A.R.T. the Movie, released in 1991, is about a man named Russell who is obsessed with farting. His girlfriend Heather despises farts and becomes angry with Russell because all he does is watch television and fart. She tells him that if the television turns into fart jokes, then Russell won’t even leave the house. Then one night, the television does become all about farts.

I know anyone can edit Wikipedia, but I refuse to do any research to verify if that synopsis is correct.  Not because I’m lazy, but because that is the greatest plot rundown of all time, and if it’s not true it would be like finding out that there’s no such thing as God, or Corgi puppies, or farts.

As I was watching the clip, I also noticed that one of the writers listed was Drew McWeeny, a guy who runs a movie site called HitFix, who I’ve exchanged emails with on a few occasions.  I asked him what the story on this flick was, because you just know there’ll be a few layers to the onion when you’re dealing with something called “F.A.R.T. The Movie”.  This was what he said:

I’d been in LA for about two weeks back in 1990, and the very first job I found as a writer was working for some shady dude out of a real estate office in Eagle Rock.  My writing partner and I wrote two sketches for him for $150 each. I honestly thought it had vanished and we would never hear mention of it again.  I’m delighted it showed up.  No.  Seriously.  Really.

Somehow I feel like there should be more to the story.  I mean, we still don’t know what “F.A.R.T.” stands for.  It’s one of history’s great mysteries. (*lights fart, sings ‘Dust in the Wind’*)