(”Aw, but he does, honey. You just have to hold the turkey baster up to the sunlight.”)
Remember how Forks, Washington became a tourist attraction because Twilight was set there? Well now the same thing is happening to Volterra, Italy, a setting of New Moon. The Volturi scenes in the movie were actually shot in Montepulciano, but these are fans of an abstinent, vegetarian vampire we’re talking here.
On a college break, American teenager Kiersten Kunke and her friend, Canadian Stephanie Regier, plot their version of an Italian Grand Tour. On their must-see list: Florence, Venice, Rome — and Volterra?
This small Tuscan city with an ancient Etruscan history has become a cult destination among traveling teenagers and people in their 20s (not to mention some vampire-loving mothers), thanks to Twilight.
Kunke, 19, found Volterra on a map as soon as she read New Moon. “I was like, I have to go there,” says the native of Portland, Ore. “It was just one of those things I had to do.” [Like the freshman 15. -Ed.]
The only English speakers in a group of Italian Twilight fans, Kunke and Regier giggle and snap photos in Volterra’s narrow alleys, trying to scare each other. “Omigod, is that a bat?” Kunke says.
Riolo leads the tour into a dark building, where they walk down a clammy staircase. Waiting at the bottom: two cloaked men and a small woman, all deathly pale. “The Volturi!” Regier gasps.
The vampires walk silently among the tourists, pulling “victims” up on a stone table. The girls huddle closer together. “This is creepy,” Kunke whispers — before a vampire grabs Regier. As he attempts to bite her, she dissolves into laughter.
After the tableau, the tour-goers relive their New Moon moments over drinks. Turns out that the actors who played the Volturi are members of Compagnia della Fortezza — a theater troupe of convicts named after Volterra’s Medici-era fortress-turned-prison. [USAToday]
Man, how awesome would it be if one of these chicks obsessed with chaste, sparkling white, pussy-whipped vampires ended up getting raped by a real-life Italian convict? Aw crap, did I just wish rape on someone? I promised my shrink I’d try to do that less this week.
[picture source: Buzzfeed]
From what I gather, this is a trailer for Twilight in Forks, a direct-to-DVD documentary about a real town in Washington which most people don’t know is not actually a fictional town in a book about sparkly vampires. I’m not exactly sure what the hell’s going on here, but I think this may have been directed by the guy who did After Last Season. This is a totally-not-joking step-by-step description of what happens in the trailer:
My gosh, what a provocative trailer! I demand to know more about this fascinating town full of regular people! Furthermore, YOU SAID ‘VAMPIRE’ THREE TIMES IN REFERENCE TO A LACK OF VAMPIRES, WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT THIS FILM MAY HAVE VAMPIRES! PLEASE, TAKE ALL MY MONEY AND THIS LEFTOVER FABRIC FROM THE BELLA WOMB I MADE OF FELT, I’M SORRY IT SMELLS LIKE CAT PEE.
ALT HEADLINE: FORKS, WASHINGTON? MORE LIKE DORKS, WASHINGTON.
No matter how you feel about Twilight - hell, pretend it’s the best book ever written - this is still one of dorkiest stories ever. I’ve told you about Forks, Washington’s Twilight-based economy before, but I had to cover MTV’s recent trip to Summer School in Forks, “a fan event that allowed Twilighters to attend classes, go to a prom and enjoy field trips around the real-life town.” Some guy from MTV (a grown adult, even) even delivered the keynote address. I know that’s his job, but if it were me I’d have to kick my own ass afterward.
When you pull into town, you see a quaint Disneyland for Twilighters: A motel sign screams “Edward Cullen Slept Here,” a local Chinese restaurant features a “Twilight Dinner” [with Berra egg ro, and Edwah foo yong] and every third storefront sells Robert Pattinson cardboard cutouts, custom-made T-shirts and other “Twilight” trappings (lollipops that read “Bite Me”, bumper stickers that say “Warning: I Drive Like a Cullen”).
“None of our students are vampires — at least, not that we’re aware of,” grinned Kevin Rupprecht, the real-life [dork] principal of Forks High School, who promised me that he resists the daily temptation to call Edward Cullen to his office over the loudspeaker. “We do have a couple of lockers, for the fans, that are designated for Edward and Bella. People like that. And we do know which parking spot the almost-accident occurred in. So we direct fans to that; they eat it up [like bon-bons, or loneliness].”
Another interesting part of the weekend was Saturday night’s “prom” in the Forks High gymnasium. With attendees of all ages dressed in their best evening gowns and suits, popular “Twilight” acts the Bella Cullen Project, Bella Rocks and the Mitch Hansen Band sang odes to the Cullen clan. The YouTube sensation [...] Hillywood Players walked amongst them dressed as Bella, Jasper, Alice and Edward — the latter had his shirt open to reveal his chest, naturally. After sniffing a few potential mates, “Edward” chose his dancing partner from among the blushing fans [though they may just have been red from physical exertion].
As we stood in the real-deal Forks cafeteria, it was hard to deny the feeling that Edward could come strolling in at any moment, grab a tray of food that he would only poke at and stare longingly at Bella from across the room [gayest. daydream. ever.]. As the line between fiction and fact continued to blur, the Twilighters exchanged hugs and phone numbers, taking home the memories of a lifetime along with their diplomas.
“We ate at Bella Italia, which is where Edward and Bella had their first date. It was pouring — just like it should be — when we got here,” [a Twihard] continued. “Everywhere you go, you can just imagine Bella and Edward walking down the street in this cozy little town. It really is like being in the home of ‘Twilight.’ “
Man, if L.A. needs an enema, Forks, Washington could use a wedgie. Maybe Lincoln, Nebraska could stuff it in a locker and give it time to ponder ways of being less lame.
A guy who wishes he’d had sons
Look, if you’re feeling at all homicidal this morning, just stop reading now because this isn’t going to help any. The gist of the story is that when Stephenie Meyer was writing Dawson’s Crypt, she chose Forks, Washington as the setting, even though she’d never been there, because it happened to be the rainiest city in the lower 48. The town of 3,000 has since become the epicenter of the new Idiot Tourism industry.
Sydney Conway and two of her teenage friends, on a school holiday, got into a minivan and drove four hours — to stare at the nondescript brick building that is Forks High School. There’s a weathered wooden sign announcing it as “the home of the Spartans,” but otherwise it looks like most other high schools in the country.
Sydney, Alexis Miller and Rebekah Hamilton got out of their van, stood in front of the school — oblivious to the cool mist that was frizzing their hair and chilling their pedicured, flip-flopped feet — and screamed, “Twilight!”
Ugh, I’m nauseous. And I’m getting that yearning feeling in my fists. But wait! It gets worse!
