FilmDrunkard Osky sent me this old video of Arnold Schwarzenegger checking out Carnival in Rio, and mother of God, I’m not sure a video could get much better than this.  That’s him in the banner picture, by the way, using his imaginary hand binoculars to get a better look at a girl’s butt. If you’ve ever seen his “in the gym I am cumming, backstage before a show I am cumming, everywhere I am cumming” speech from Pumping Iron, you know the man can be candid. But in this video, he delivers — while playing himself, mind you — what might be the most incredible line of dialog of his entire career:

“You know something, after watching the mulattoes shake it, I can absolutely understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favorite body part: the ass.”

That, man… was my governor. (*plays “God Bless America” on Piccolo, streaming patriotic tears*).  I’m glad the submitter told me that the best part comes at the 4:30 – 4:50 mark, because after Arnold proclaimed his love for mulatto ass, made hand binoculars, roughly groped a girl in a thong, and motorboated another girl’s boobs inside the first three minutes, I would’ve assumed it couldn’t get any better. OH, BUT IT DOES. OH MY GOD DOES IT.

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Someone sent this to me a few days ago and I held off on posting it because I figured it wasn’t time sensitive — A CLASSIC BLUNDER!  Even a fool would know that only Steven Seagal exists outside the realm of space and time.  A few other sites have posted it since then, but no matter: it was silly of me to try to claim ownership of the knowledge that Gary Busey once played a man who gets reincarnated as a dog in the 2003 movie Quigley. This information belongs to all of us, like the air, or the ocean, or mp3s. Gary probably spent years growling at coyotes to prepare for the role.

Archie is a rich practical joker, one week away from playing a CD-Rom that will change the lives of his trusted manager Dexter [Booger from Revenge of the Nerds] and other employees forever, when he is suddenly involved in a deadly accident. Archie quickly discovers that instead of entering Heaven’s pearly gates, he is being sent back to earth to clean up the mess he’s created. Since Archie has an absolute dislike for animals, especially dogs, it is quickly decided he return to earth as a dog. Not any dog, mind you, but a fluffy white Pomeranian named “Quigley.”

This time around (*RECORD SCRATCH*), a DOG cleans up after the HUMANs!  Now look, I know I turn everything into a poop joke, but I don’t think I was reading too much into the synopsis here considering the trailer begins with an old timey smash zoom into a pile of dog poop.  See for yourself:

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Anyone who’s heard Charlie Sheen’s rants about F-18s and Warlock Torpedoes (so basically everyone) knows that the man has a way with words.  Most people don’t know, however, that Charlie Sheen also writes poetry, and that in 1989, a film was based on that poetry and narrated by Sheen himself.  Troma just sent over a teaser for A Tale of Two Sisters (Goddesses?), which had to be like finding a signed Mickey Mantle card in the trash for them.  Hard to glean much about the movie other than that it somehow involves a morbidly obese woman French kissing a bearded man on the beach, but the poem, as you might expect, is amazing.  Some of my favorite lines included:

“So what then was the ugly deed? A broken promise, petty greed?  Did one depart with no remorse? Menstrual mood, unsigned divorce?”

“Menstrual mood.”  Oh yeah, he went there.  Matter-of-factly discussing periods, that’s textbook poem writing right there.  And then there was this:

“Daddy’s eyes on front-page news, mommy accuses innocent Jews.
Sister one and sister two, complaining now, can’t find a shoe.”

Anti-Semitism: Bad. Misplaced shoes: also bad.  Typical family stuff.  Mommy complaining about Jews.  Daughter complaining about shoes.  When in walks Terry Crews, drinking booze on Blues Clues.  But even with such delicious rhymes, even that wasn’t my favorite line.  No, that honor belongs to this next one, which needs no context:

“Rebel rouser, call me Phil.”

“CALL ME AHAB” JUST GOT SERVED!  GIVE! THIS! POEM! A SEVEN!  (*blows glitter at audience, bangs gong, drops mic, walks offstage to thunderous finger snaps*)

So the next person you hear say “I’m SO over this Charlie Sheen thing…” like they’re so much better then everyone else, just play them this poem and tell them to go f*ck themselves.

Charlie with James Bond, Matt Sorum, and Bret Michaels, you can't even process it. I'm amazed only one of them is wearing leather pants.

Charlie Sheen had his kids taken away yesterday, the other night he told 20/20 that he was born with an umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and when they got it untangled, he sputtered back to life and his first words were “Bring it,” (not making this up), and God knows what else.  But none of that is really movie related, per se.  Which is why I owe a debt of gratitude to reader Dan for reminding me of No Code of Conduct, a movie that starred Charlie and Martin Sheen and was directed by Bret Michaels.  Yes, Bret Michaels the Poison guy.  Charlie Sheen produced a movie directed by the guy from Poison.  Have you ever been so surprised by something, then rolled it around in your brain for a second and then retroactively been totally unsurprised in equal measure? This is like that.

“No Code of Conduct is a 1998 action film directed by Bret Michaels. The film stars Charlie Sheen, and Martin Sheen as father-and-son vice unit detectives, along with Mark Dacascos who portrays Charlie Sheen’s partner. The film was released as a direct-to-video feature in some countries, including: Australia, Sweden, Japan, The Czech Republic, Argentina, Brazil, Azerbaijan, Russia and Turkey. Bret Michaels is credited as Director, Screenwriter, Composer (Music Score), Actor and Executive Producer. Charlie Sheen’s credits in this release include Actor, Screenwriter and Executive Producer.”

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It seems someone at Netflix has been reading FilmDrunk, because White Dog is now available on Netflix Instant.  In 1982, Paramount completed White Dog, a Samuel Fuller film about, you guessed it, a pure white Aryan canine who hated black people and their rambunctious jungle music.  Fearing negative press over accusations of racism, they showed it in France and the UK and on certain US cable outlets, but never released it in the US, until a Criterion version on DVD in 2008.  Which is a shame, because not only is the film not racist, it’s pretty harshly anti-racist:

Director Samuel Fuller uses the film as a platform to deliver an antiracist message as it examines the question of whether racism is a treatable problem or an incurable disease. Critics praised the film’s hard line look at racism and Fuller’s use of melodrama and metaphors to present his argument, and its somewhat disheartening ending that leaves the impression that while racism is learned, it cannot be cured. [Wiki]

I just love the trailer, because while it’s a little edgy, it’s pretty much exactly like Unstoppable.

“That’s a WHITE DOG!”
“Of course he’s a white dog.”
“I don’t mean his color! I mean he’s taught to attack and kill black people!”
[...]
“Come on, Julie, you’ve got a four-legged time bomb!”

You’re telling me I’ve got an UNLEASHED DOG running loose through a POPULATED AREA?!?! …That’s not just a DOG, it’s a MISSILE the size of the CHRYSLER BUILDING!  And IT HATES BLACKS!