"Paws off the leash, butthorn."

Back in March, I posted a clip from a 2003 forgotten classic called Quigley, in which Gary Busey plays a rich dog hater who slips in dog poop, and tells his assistant, “I want everyone who owns a dog executed.” It sounds just like something Gary Busey would say, doesn’t it? And that’s just in the trailer! Soon, his character dies, and to punish him for his dog-hating ways, God sends him back to Earth in the form of a fluffy Pomeranian named “Quigley.” It was a perfect role for Busey, because, like dogs, coyotes are his sworn enemy.

And now, praise Jesus, Quigley is available for free online (embedded below). I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet, but if the trailer is any indication, this movie really has everything.

• A (*SPROING*) sound effect (the thinking man’s record scratch)
• Two bad guys getting caught in a net (just once I’d like to see that happen in real life)
• A SLIDE WHISTLE sound effect (the record scratch of musical instruments)
• Booger from Revenge of the Nerds
• A dog who’s always freaking out squares and making people fall down

And best of all, Gary Busey being Gary Busey. I hear that on set, he even came up with an acronym for “Dog Poop.” “Dog Poop: Demons Outside God’s Periphery Ousting Odorous Popsicles.” At the time, he called coming up with that his proudest moment since eating Jennifer Tilly’s entire set of wicker patio furniture on a dare. True story.

Read the rest of this entry »

If only Danger Guerrero had been around Pakistan in the late 80s, we might be reading a Scene Breakdown of International Guerillas, a forgotten action film recently remembered by EverythingIsTerrible (doing the lord’s work as always). Old-school religion, cutting edge (for 1989) production values, and a torn-from-the-headlines plot combine in this cult favorite, a combination Kirk Cameron would later exploit in the film where he beat up his computer for showing him porn. Ahh, how far we’ve come.

Shortly after Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwā against Salman Rushdie for writing The Satanic Verses, Pakistani filmmakers punched out International Guerillas, a deranged exploitation flick starring a faux-Rushdie as a blasphemous crime lord.
In the film, Rushdie [whom I too hate, but only because he used to bang Padma -Ed] dwells on an island fortress, scheming with the Israeli military [Of course] to corrupt pious Muslims with casinos and discotheques. After the film’s trio of protagonists sneak on to the author’s headquarters with Batman costumes, a group of floating Korans inexplicably fly down from the sky and annihilate Rushdie with lasers and/or lighting bolts.[I09]

As if that could get any better, when the flying Korans (which look curiously like X-Wing fighters from Star Wars) begin shooting their Allahu Akbar bolts at faux-Rushdie, they make those old-timey ricochet sound effects from old westerns. PEW! PANG! PIKUUU! I like it. I wouldn’t have been so hard on Islam if I’d known how deeply it was influenced by Batman (Robin is his prophet?). They should try to publicize that more. Maybe emphasize the Batman angle and go lighter on the burkas and teetotaling. Just spitballin’ here.
Read the rest of this entry »

Today’s Forgotten Classic is 1983′s DC Cab, a film starring a murderer’s row of randomness that included Gary Busey, Mr. T., and Bill Maher.  It was a little before my time, but while I was writing, this, I noticed Drew had mentioned it in his latest Balls Deep column for Deadspin, so perhaps it’s not as forgotten as the title of this feature might indicate.  In any case, it’s about a team of wacky cabbies who have to rescue one of their colleagues who’s been kidnapped.  It’s basically the 1983 equivalent of Soul Plane, in both tacky badness and casual racism.  Here’s the rundown of highlights from reader Matthew, who sent this in.  Oh, also, he titled the banner image “Gary Busey Attempting to Faith Heal a Headache So He Can Copulate with the Afflicted,” so there’s that.

• Gary Busey saying “You know the only thing wrong with oral sex?  The view!”
• Gary Busey saying “Did you know that DC is 75% nig?”
• Gary Busey saying “Nobody ever goes in the army anymore except blacks. Someday one n*gger’s going to wake up and say ‘we got the guns and the mustard gas and the tanks – we runnin’ the army!’ And they’re going to take over the whole country.”
• Gary Busey running into a gentleman’s club and stealing money from a stripper’s panties.
• Mr. T working his cab shifts wearing a weightlifting belt.
• Gary Busey saying “You know I can suck the white right off your teeth.”
• Bill Maher playing synthesizer while waxing philosophic.
• Gary Busey saying “If I’d wanted responsibility I’d have been a damn sex surrogate.”
• Mr. T pimping out his cab with various gold accoutrements.
• Mr. T making an impassioned speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in yellow sweatpants.
• Gary Busey saying “Why are women so uptight?  They’ve got half the money and all the pussy.”

As you may have noticed, casual racism in 1983 was pretty intense by modern standards.  I’m assuming this film was written and directed by a black man, or else they’d never have gotten away with being so free with the N-Bomb– (*checks IMDB*) JOEL SCHUMACHER!? That’s right, this film was co-written and directed by the man who would later go on to put nipples on the Batman suit. In retrospect, perhaps we should’ve seen it coming.

Read the rest of this entry »

Scott Wampler over at the Examiner just sent over this trailer for the uuuuhmazing Forgotten Classic, Invisible Child.  It stars Tom Hanks’ wife, Rita Wilson, displaying the brilliant judgment she’d later hone as the producer of two Nia Vardalos movies and a TV spinoff, in a TV movie about a mother with an invisible child named Maggie.  Shot in 1999, it was apparently resurrected and screened for sh*tty movie lovers at the Alamo Drafthouse last year, and may screen there again soon (I’m told there was a trailer for it, but it’s not listed on their website).

In the film, Wilson plays Annie Beeman, a mother with two real children and one imaginary one, who’s apparently so fragile that everyone in her life plays along with her delusion.  As for the best scene, for me it’s a toss up between the aerial shot of Wilson frolicking about her lawn with the invisible child like a dog, and the part where the new nanny tries to trick Wilson into thinking the invisible kid is standing right next to her.  And Rita Wilson is all like, “Pff, bitch, please, I think I know my invisible daughter when I see her.”  At which point the exasperated nanny nearly breaks down the fourth wall with this face:

(*ZOINKS*)

The irony is that just 12 years later, Chet Haze would release his first mix tape, and suddenly having an invisible child would sound to Wilson like her first wish from a magical genie.

As first discovered by I believe Reddit, here’s a short video clip that proves once and for all that the Olsen twins are virulent, hate-filled racists.  In a clip from their 1992 film To Grandmother’s House We Go, the twins, then 6, spot an older black saxophonist playing Christmas music on the street.  The miniature, unhooded Klanswomen immediately sidle up to him, cruelly mocking him with hammy, Sambo-style shucking and jiving, an insulting minstrel show missing only the blackface. When even that fails to elicit a response from the proud and dignified street musician, they tip him with fried chicken.  Disgusting.  No way they would’ve treated Timmy Cappello that way.

Before you ask, no, the clip does not appear to have been doctored.  As you can see below, the twins appear holding chicken even before the the close-up shot of the sax case.  Does this level of hate in a family film surprise you?  It shouldn’t.  They think they can get away with it because black people don’t watch these films, but it’s a sick practice that continues to this day. It needs to be stopped.  High School Musical 3 was just 90 minutes of Zac Efron Sieg Heiling.   True story.  Here’s some people who rented it.