Today’s forgotten classic is 2004’s Karate Dog, and it may be the best thing I’ve ever posted. It’s a REAL FILM. Called KARATE DOG. And don’t worry about it departing too much from the Karate Kid mythology, because it also has Pat Morita, there to lend it credibility. Pat Morita, Chevy Chase as the dog, and literally everything I’ve ever wanted in a movie:
With all this and more packed into just two minutes of trailer, you might realistically wonder whether they ever actually show a dog doing karate. DO THEY EVER. And might I add, JON VOIGHT. This movie makes my leg involuntarily kick the ground in pleasure. The tragedy here is that this is probably the first and last time I’ll ever need a “Simon Rex” tag.
[Thanks to Patrick for the tip]
Today’s Forgotten Classic is 1989’s R.O.T.O.R., which stands for the awesomely nonsensical
Robotic
Officer
Tactical
Operation
Research
Basically, he’s like an evil version of Robocop, but instead of being made of shiny metal, he’s just a guy in a motorcycle suit with a bad mustache. He even carries the same kind of gun as Robocop, but I’m sure all the similarities were purely coincidental since Robocop came out the year before. In this clip, R.O.T.O.R. battles his nemesis, skunk-haired bull dyke. Also pay special attention to the delightfully loose editing and slow reaction shots that make everyone seem like they have the reflexes of a sloth with bell’s palsy. (trailer and more clips below).
Courtesy of a tip from JessicaD, today’s forgotten classic is the 1987 film Steel Dawn. Patrick Swayze plays the lead, “a desert warrior, carving the future with his sword.” Come on, dude, you have to admit that’s a pretty awesome tagline. Basically, it’s exactly like Mad Max, and the very first shot of the trailer is a closeup of Swayze’s crotch. I don’t know what else you’d need to know about it besides that, but I did find a synopsis that begins with this:
Getting the film off to a quick start, the sandpeople, who live under the sand, decide to attack Swayze while he’s doing his daily headstands.
Okay, okay, I’m sold. You had me at “crotch closeup.” Additionally, this guy has awesome hair:
That is all.
Today’s Forgotten Classic comes from 2006 and if you wanna get technical, it’s not so much “forgotten” as it is “Nigerian.” It’s called Chicken Madness, and it bills itself as “the mother of all comedies.” At first I thought it was all in heavily-accented English spoken really fast, a lá a New York cabdriver, but then I realized it’s mostly another language with just enough English words thrown in to pique my curiosity. And whenever things are in danger of getting boring, an announcer comes on and says “Chicken Madness - CHICKEN MADNESS!” to let you know that this movie intends to have rough sex with your funny bone. Later he reads the names of the cast and when he gets to the girls’ names, I’m pretty sure he says “MMMMM” and makes a kiss sound, like the Puerto Ricans on my corner when a girl walks by. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think we’ve finally found a replacement for Don LaFontaine.
Today’s Forgotten Classic clip comes from a 1977 film called Bruce Lee the Invincible. It was directed by Chi Lo, which if I’m not mistaken is Chinese for “Skee-Lo,” and the title is just slightly misleading in that Bruce Lee wasn’t involved with the film in any way, and had been dead for four years when they made it. A more honest title would’ve been A Film Not Starring Bruce Lee, Who Clearly Was Not Invincible. Though that’s not very catchy. Maybe “Kung Fu Gorilla,” considering the star fights a gorilla who knows kung fu, and you’d think that would’ve been a selling point. Also, the gorilla is wearing shoes. Then again, if he knows kung fu, I’m not sure how much of a stretch it is for him to also know how to wear shoes.
