Not only could they not line up the faces and names, they didn’t even try to get the words lined up.

The other day when we were trying to come up with comedy vehicles for Vince Vaughn, someone on Twitter saw that we’d included “Grillmasters,” about Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson becoming competitive BBQers, and asked if I’d ever heard of Grilled. Turns out, our idea for a Vaughn/Wilson vehicle was pretty close to what was already a 2006 Kevin James/Ray Romano vehicle. I thought you should know about this.

The basic premise of Grilled is that Ray Romano and Kevin James play meat salesmen (“to them it’s not just meat, it’s a religion!”) and in the course of their work, get caught up in a mob plot. Kevin James plays a family man named Dave, and Romano plays a ne’er-do-well poon hound named Maurice (you can tell he’s trying to break away from Everybody Loves Raymond by the beard). Burt Reynolds and Sofia Vergara co-star, a few years before Modern Family would make her a star. Those are the basics, but here are my favorite excerpts from the disturbingly thorough Wikipedia synopsis:

While describing their varieties of meat Loridonna gets a phone call from her friend Suzzane who has swallowed a fish and needs help.

Loridonna and Maurice begin making out in the other room. Moments later Tony, Suzzane’s husband, comes home and finds Maurice with Loridonna. Tony casually changes clothes while telling Maurice that Loridonna was once a man.

Ray Romano, Kevin James, Michael Rapaport, Burt Reynolds, Juliette Lewis, a woman swallowing a fish – this movie sounds like it had everything. So how come it went straight to DVD?

Read the rest of this entry »

1994

The existence of the movie Tammy and the T-Rex, starring Denise Richards and Paul Walker, seems like one of those pieces of internet lore that everyone on the cool message boards already knew about (and didn’t tell me), but the YouTube video only has 11,000 views when it should have at least 11 million, so I’m considering it a Forgotten Classic for our purposes.

Directed by Mac & Me‘s Stewart Raffil, who should get some kind of bizarre-movie lifetime achievement award for these two titles alone, Tammy and the T-Rex stars a pre-breast implants Denise Richards and a be-bellyshirted Paul Walker in those heady days of 1994. It has a plot that I could try to explain, but I think I’d rather just copy the trailer narration word for word, because this is like dada-ist poetry:

Everything in Tammy’s life is just great. But when you’re young and in love, life can get VERY complicated.

(*cut to shot of Paul Walker eating a rose*) [Note: It is never explained why Paul Walker is eating a rose]

ESPECIALLY when it involves an INSANELY JEALOUS creep.

(*cut to a fight, including the line “DO it, Billy! Do it!”, which belongs in every film*)

Late night phone calls. Sneaking around in your own house. Your boyfriend getting dumped in a wild animal park. And a crazy doctor… who turns out to be a MAD SCIENTIST.

…with an insane invention, that only needs a brain.

But THIS Tyrannosaurus Rex just wants to be a PARTY ANIMAL.

This narration should be in a museum.

Read the rest of this entry »

If you think this guy’s ‘stache is awesome, wait until you see his super slow-motion, minute-long death sequence. You’ll be interested to know that a full 60 seconds is actually a really long time to writhe around in agony. Apparently the scene comes from the 1973 Turkish exploitation film, Kareteci Kız, which translates to Karate Girl, which is also a nickname for my penis. Anyway, check it out, it’s fantastic. The scene, I mean, not my penis.
Read the rest of this entry »

Today is Gary Busey’s 68th birthday, and while I didn’t get him any presents (gift idea: he rare, made-for-TV Busey gem from 1989 shot for the USA network. If you’ll remember, 1989 was only one year after Busey’s famous motorcycle accident in which he famously went up to heaven and discovered that it has no mirrors.

A deranged man, Tom Sykes, hides out in the attic while an unsuspecting couple and their family carry on their life in the house below. Once Tom stops just hiding out and becomes involved with the family and, in particular, the wife, the problems begin.
Tagline- You can’t lock him out. He’s already in.

Is it just me, or could you see Gary Busey actually doing this in real life? Like, he’d just wander down one day and be like “Morning, butthorn. What’s for breakfast? You got any tacos? My llama’s starving.”

Also, I made this gif:

Read the rest of this entry »

Today I found out about the 80s Pakistani action flick, Hitlar, and I have mixed feelings about it. While it’s a great find, I’m disturbed to discover that if I had thought up an action film about Hitler’s son commanding an army of bears, I would not only be unoriginal, but almost 30 years late. What a world.

The 1980s Pakistani action flick Hitlar presents a parallel universe in which der Führer escaped Germany after World War II only to settle down in South Asia. Once there, the deposed tyrant threw his racial dogma to the wind and sired a son.
The son of Hitler — the eponymous Hitlar — spends his days terrorizing a small town, using his musical sting to petrify his enemies, and conversing with paintings of his dead Nazi father.

What a hilariously politically incorrect time capsule, right? Well, not really. It was just last year that India was making Ghandi to Hitler. I haven’t seen that yet, but I assume it’s a remake of From Justin to Kelly with a historical angle.

Hitlar’s nemesis is played by the late Pakistani megastar Sultan Rahi, whose protagonist is marked for death after defying the evil strongman. How does Hitlar attempt to dispose of the hero? By recruiting an army of bears to slay him. Yes, the son of Hitler has the power to command ursine warriors. [i09]

An army of bears?? Jeez, who does Hitler think he is, Mike Ditka?

Read the rest of this entry »