I wish I had a nickel for every time I had to type this, but here’s a video of a lady who shreds a guy’s chair to splinters with spinning razor blades attached to her nipples. The sawdust on the floor was a nice touch. Does anyone know what movie this is from? Getting the tassels to spin in opposite directions like that takes coordination. She makes Odd Job look like a clumsy oaf.

UPDATE: I’m told the clip comes from 1979′s The Man from S.E.X. Also known as “Licensed to Love and Kill.” So, presumably a Bond parody already. Well done, world.

[UniqueDaily via GorillaMask]

Spain’s Pedro Almodóvar is basically the epitome of “acclaimed foreign auteur,” and when you think acclaimed foreign auteur, you think of movies like Amour, Michael Haneke’s heartbreakingly beautiful ode to old people having strokes. What you don’t normally think of is gay flight attendants doing elaborate song and dance numbers, which is what I’m So Excited seems to be. This might be the best 47-second movie trailer I’ve ever seen.

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THAT AIN'T A TOILET, MATTHIAS! Jeez, these Belgians have no manners.

When you sin against beef, you sin against yourself

This could be the most convoluted, least-illuminating movie description I’ve ever written, but the best way I can describe Bullhead is that it’s a movie that a more understated, less style-preoccupied Guy Ritchie would’ve made, if he was trying to rip off Scorsese instead of Tarantino. Also, it’s sort of like Black Swan, if the Black Swan had been a Belgian gangster. Totally makes sense, right? Now you understand completely, I should probably just stop right here.

It’s okay. That it’s so hard to classify is a big part of the charm.

There’s nothing like an eccentric film that carries on without any apology for its eccentricity. Hollywood’s mainstream studio pictures are so obsessed with starting from a place of familiarity that you get to see the same bullshit a thousand times over, solely out of the fear that someone in the audience might be confused (the horror!). They forget that strangeness itself is compelling, and that you’ll usually find familiarity in a story so long as it compels you to look for it (a point Drew Magary makes beautifully

Rightly-acclaimed actor Matthias Schoenaerts plays the lead, Jacky Vanmarsenille, a puffed-up Flemish beef gangster, as ‘roided up as the cattle he trades and whose past has left him a bit, shall we say, stunted. (I hate it when asshole writers play coy like this, but I don’t want to spoil the most memorable scene, which is unforgettable). Jacky is violent and prone to racial and homophobic slurs, but even through Schoenaerts’ crooked prosthetic nose, lazy eye, and the 66 pounds of muscle he put on for the role (which is not only impressive but makes you wonder if he was a mime before this – that dude on your right is him before he became the guy in the banner image), he practically sweats insecurity and childhood slights. Jacky’s caught up in a deal to supply beef hormones (also the name of my indie band, etc.) to some West Flanders weirdos, who may have just made his life a whole lot more complicated by killing a beef investigator (also your mom’s nickname in high school, etc.). With the head now on from the police, also involved are some shady Walloon car thieves, a gay informant, a deranged, wanking-obsessed simpleton, and the big-breasted perfume-store clerk whom Jacky’s been pining after since childhood. If it sounds like Snatch or Lock Stock, it kind of is, but without all the mood music and slow motion and showy camera work (and to be fair, perhaps a bit less fun).

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Chan-Wook Park’s Oldboy (2003) is one of those foreign films that so many people have already seen that a remake would almost be sacrilege, but in the eyes of studio execs, people who watch foreign films aren’t an audience worth considering anyway so shut up while Kevin James takes a gorilla ice skating.  Last we heard, a deal that would’ve had Spielberg and Will Smith involved in the remake fell through when Dreamworks and Mandate couldn’t come to an agreement.  But Mandate apparently still owns the rights to the remake, and now Twitch reports that they’re in talks with Spike Lee to direct.  Yes, Spike Lee. I for one can’t wait for ODay Sioux’s inevitable out-of-context rant about how much he hates Arab cab drivers.

Twitch has learned that Spike Lee is currently in talks to direct the long-rumored Hollywood remake of Park Chan-Wook´s Oldboy.
The film is set up at Mandate with Doug Davison and Roy Lee producing and Mark Protosevich (Thor, I Am Legend) writing the script.

The original starred the brilliant Min-Sik Choi as Oh Dae-Su, a man with five days to find and exact his revenge on the man who imprisoned him for 15 years.  Whether a straight remake or a new adaptation of the original manga, I imagine Spike Lee’s version would play out much the same way. “Oldboy 2: Who you callin’ ‘Boy?”” they could call it.

If you were around here three years ago, you might remember a Russian, Zucker-Brothers-style historical spoof called Hitler Kaput, which, involved, among other things, a busty Eva Braun singing a Britney Spears song.  The Russian dramatic tradition is sort of the reverse of Elizabethan England in that way, in that all roles, both male and female, were traditionally portrayed by women with huge breasts, and men are only just now breaking into the business. I digress, but the makers of Hitler Kaput are back with Rzhevskiy vs. Napoleon, which Twitch is calling “Napoleon Kaput”, which is a lot easier to type. But would not a record scratch by any other name still sound as… uh… zany?  THIS MOVIE IS CRAMMED WITH THEM! Some of the other things the trailer for this incredible-looking film features:

• RECORD SCRATCH TO ZOOM SHOT at 0:11.  That’s comedy’s version of double pits to chesty.
• Giant-breasted woman in a top hat whipping a wooden horse
• Another giant-breasted woman rhythmically bouncing on something while Napoleon stares (0:18)
• Close-up of comically-round, stuffed butt of man dressed as woman
• MAN SHAVED AGAINST HIS WILL! (0:23)
• RECORD SCRATCH NUMBER 2! (0:25)
• RECORDS SCRATCH NUMBER 3! (0:39)
• Mouse beheaded by tiny guillotine (0:50)
• Van Damme finally shows up, fittingly accompanied by explosion. (1:01)
• RECORD SCRATCH NUMBER 4! (1:09)

FOUR RECORD SCRATCHES, AH! AH! AH!  If this many record scratches in a single trailer (a new record?) tells us anything, it’s that after years of state-enforced austerity, Russians are finally ready to embrace excess. I applaud them. (*hangs fuzzy dice from plow*)

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