Don't tell mah derp, da derpy derp a-derp, da Derp. Derp. Derp. A-derpy derrrr...

One of the immutable laws of network television these days is that if a show is about singing and/or dancing, the old people who still watch network TV will love it (the Flyover States seem to have a real love-hate relationship with the gays).  Thus it’s not surprising that someone wanted to remake the singin’-and-dancin’ 1984 classic, Footloose. At first the plan was have it star Hollywood super twink Zac Efron, with tiny dog lover Kenny Ortega directing.  Then Efron left and was replaced with eyebrowier twink Chace Crawford.  Then Ortega left, and that fell through, and now Black Snake Moan‘s Craig Brewer is directing, because I guess he needed the money.  Here we have the first batch of pictures, starring Efron/Crawford’s replacement, box office megastar, uh… Kenny Wormald.  Seriously, Kenny Wormald.  That’s his name.  It sounds like the fictional name you’d give to your third choice.  But from the looks of it, he can sure, uh… wear sunglasses.  This dude is so cool, he doesn’t have TIME to hem his seams. OR wear shirts under his hoodies. Hey, man, that’s, like, your grandpa’s trip.

Oh hey look, Andie McDowell is still alive.  And it looks like she’s married to the hollowed out shell of Dennis Quaid.

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Want to watch a feature-length, fan-made remake of Footloose? While I admit that my initial answer to this question would normally be a resounding “no, thanks,” even a hater like myself had to admit that this was a cool idea. It seems some amateur filmmakers were so upset about the prospect of a Hollywood Footloose remake that they decided to take things into their own hands. Yes, precisely, just like I do with my wang.

We’ve all spent lots of time atop our film-loving high horses bemoaning the Hollywood studios’ tendency to take our favourite classic films, change the script, add some 17-year-old Disney stars to the cast and release them as summer blockbusters year after year. When was the last time we thought to do anything about it, though?

Upon hearing that the 1984 classic Footloose was being remade by Hustle and Flow director Craig Brewer [after tiny dog enthusiast Kenny Ortega dropped out] for a 2010 release [first with Hollywood twink Zac Efron, later with Hollywood super twink Chace Crawford], David Seger and Tim Marklevitz—two film-savvy pals from Los Angeles—decided to rally together 58 of their film-making friends to re-create the 54 scenes from the film for The Footloose Remake.

“We were fed up,” they say of their motivation behind the project, “The Hollywood remake machine was going to take another solid movie, put it through the ringer, and make a buck from a younger generation. We decided “Let’s beat them to the punch. Let’s do this remake our way.”…Originally slated to release in June 2010, director complications have pushed the release of The New Studio Remake Footloose back to 2011. Hollywood can’t make it by 2010? We can. Our fifty-four filmmaker The Footloose Remake will hit Los Angeles in June, taking the place of Paramount’s release. Let’s undermine the Hollywood remake machine.” [source]

(*looks up from filling Molotov cocktails*) Undermine Hollywood how now?  Oh. Well I guess that’s a good idea too… Anyway, you can watch the film after the jump.  As I said, it’s a pretty cool idea.  But I confess I do prefer my “amateur” films with more… scissoring.
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(Kenny Ortega’s Match.com profile describes him as ‘a real man’s man.’)

It looks like Variety‘s selling tickets to Frown Town today, as they report that High School Musical/This is It director Kenny Ortega will no longer be directing the remake of Footloose.  It was once set to star Zac Efron until he dropped out and was replaced by fellow fruity eyebrow guy Chace Crawford.

Insiders said Ortega wanted to make a picture with elaborately staged musical numbers at a budget of $30 million or so. Par production chief Adam Goodman wanted an edgier drama with less emphasis on the musical numbers and a budget around $25 million or less.
The disagreement continued until Ortega decided his dance with the studio had ended.

OH MY GOSH DID YOU SEE WHAT THE VARIETY WRITER DID THERE?  Anyway, I’m sad they couldn’t come to an agreement, but you try negotiating with a guy who keeps breaking into song.

I know how worried you guys were that High School Musical director Kenny Ortega’s Footloose remake wouldn’t happen after Zac Efron dropped out, but fear not!  It’s back on, with Chace Crawford in the driver’s seat.  Though “with Chace Crawford in the stirrups” might be a better metaphor.

With a more mature, edgy version of “Footloose” than the original, Paramount will likely benefit from the fact that Crawford’s “Gossip Girl” following skews a bit older than Efron’s “High School Musical” audience. [Variety]

If I was making something that was “mature” and “edgy,” I probably wouldn’t cast a guy who looks like a gay porn bottom.  Just sayin’.  And on a serious note, I don’t make it a habit to go around calling people gay, but Christ, look at this guy.  Is it any wonder we have to import all our action stars from England and Australia now?  Reached for comment, Jason Statham said, “Oy yeh, dat’s a fit bird, innit.  Oy fink oy knobbed dat cont da ovva noight onda hood a moy sazz wagon, now didn’t oy?”