Crap movies stunk up the box office this weekend, with The Big Year winning the prize for stinkiest. There were three new releases out, including two that were remakes (The Thing, Footloose) and one whose synopsis suggested it was about birdwatching. Meanwhile, its trailer implied that it was about Jack Black falling down. It’s hard to say which was the smaller draw, but The Big Year ended up winning this weekend’s bed-sh*tting contest, grossing a pathetic $3.3 million. Unflattering comparisons abound. Here are the bullet points:

• Steve Martin’s worst opening since 1994′s Mixed Nuts (and that was before those Pink Panther movies)
• Barely better than Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny ($3.2 million)
• Worse than Owen Wilson’s previous biggest bomb, 2004′s The Big Bounce

It reviewed equally poorly, tracking 41% on RottenTomatoes with the most favorable reviews citing its lack of profanity. Pixar makes great movies without profanity too, and there’s a reason no reviewer has ever felt the need to point this out. In a perfect world, the critic would run out of compliments long before he got to “doesn’t swear.”

Elsewhere, Footloose was mildly disappointing at the box office ($16.1 million, worse than Stomp the Yard and the first two Step Up movies) despite garnering mostly positive reviews. I would’ve seen it, but judging by the fact that 80% of all network TV is shows about singing and dancing, I get the feeling I’m wildly out of touch with the rest of the world vis a vis how much I want to watch people sing and dance.

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In Theaters Errywhere: The Big Year, The Thing, Footloose

In Theaters Somewhere: Trespass, Fireflies in the Garden

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince is going to see The Lion King for the 114th time! You should hear him sing “Hakuna Matata” while you reach for his popcorn. [50/50, Drive, The Guard, and Midnight in Paris are all worth your money. I haven't seen Take Shelter, but it looks awesome. -Vince]

Now off to the theater!

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As you can see, today’s NY Post cover is a model of serendipitous picture/headline juxtapositions. WALL STREET PROTESTS, ECONOMY COLLAPSING! PLUS, A FOOTLOOSE REMAKE! This is your life, America.

“Aw, yeah, girl. I’m fitna screw you like a sub-prime mortgage.”

“DAMN YOU, WALL STREET! WHY WON’T YOU LET US DANCE?”

I also like how he rolls up his t-shirt sleeves so we get a teaser of his massive guns. Nice, bro, I didn’t even have to buy tickets.

[Thanks for the find, Kofi]

Yesterday I posted the first batch of pictures, and now we have a full-length trailer for the MTV Films-sponsored remake of Footloose, which is pretty much indistinguishable from a sequel to Step Up to the Streets.  In the new version, Kenny Wormald, playing Kevin Bacon’s old character Ren McCormack, moves from Bawston (Bacon was from Chicago in the original) to Bomont, Tennessee, where the town preacher, Dennis Quaid in a sweater, has banned dancing (MY FAATHAH; HE DON’T GET OUT MUCH).  Eventually Ren learns the real reason dancing has been banned: three years ago, some seniors coming home from an underground dance party were killed in a car accident.  Uh… what?  Ignoring the dislogic of this plot device, Ren sets out to prove the preacher wrong, by showing him what a slut his daughter is.  Presumably, it all ends with a tense courtroom battle, an impassioned speech.  “Ya rawnah? I may nawt be from heah, and you may hate me fa my Twilight hayuh and queah sunglasses, but if I know one thing in this world, it’s this: Dancing to the music of daahkies is NAWT the prawblem.  That’s why me an’ ya daughtah ah going to Hawllywood to be on America’s Best Dance Crew, AN YOU CAN’T STAWP US!”  (*slow clap*) GO SAWX

"I told ya she was an MTV whoah."

Don't tell mah derp, da derpy derp a-derp, da Derp. Derp. Derp. A-derpy derrrr...

One of the immutable laws of network television these days is that if a show is about singing and/or dancing, the old people who still watch network TV will love it (the Flyover States seem to have a real love-hate relationship with the gays).  Thus it’s not surprising that someone wanted to remake the singin’-and-dancin’ 1984 classic, Footloose. At first the plan was have it star Hollywood super twink Zac Efron, with tiny dog lover Kenny Ortega directing.  Then Efron left and was replaced with eyebrowier twink Chace Crawford.  Then Ortega left, and that fell through, and now Black Snake Moan‘s Craig Brewer is directing, because I guess he needed the money.  Here we have the first batch of pictures, starring Efron/Crawford’s replacement, box office megastar, uh… Kenny Wormald.  Seriously, Kenny Wormald.  That’s his name.  It sounds like the fictional name you’d give to your third choice.  But from the looks of it, he can sure, uh… wear sunglasses.  This dude is so cool, he doesn’t have TIME to hem his seams. OR wear shirts under his hoodies. Hey, man, that’s, like, your grandpa’s trip.

Oh hey look, Andie McDowell is still alive.  And it looks like she’s married to the hollowed out shell of Dennis Quaid.

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