It seems like it was only yesterday that I was telling you about Denny’s new The Hobbit-themed menu, featuring items such as the “Hobbit hole breakfast,” “The Ring Burger,” and “Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies,” because who wouldn’t want to eat food named for a character with bird sh*t caked down the side of his face? I hope he prepares it himself! Ah, remember when all Denny’s needed to sell their food was an old lady who couldn’t get the name right? Those were the days. Anyway, a pair of brave souls, Rob and Heather Beschizza of BoingBoing, recently embarked upon a quest to sample these menu items. I go to Denny’s for non-gross food like I visit hookers to learn calculus, so it’s no surprise what they found – fried stuff, more fried stuff, and soggy disgusting sandwiches with unspeakable amounts of mayonnaise. Did you know “Gandalf’s Gobble Melt,” in addition to being a great euphemism for your mother’s vagina, is actually a grilled cheese sandwich filled with fried cheese sticks? Yum! At least, that’s what the picture said it was supposed to be. In the video, it actually looks like a mayo-braised turkey sandwich topped with dog puke and a side of gravy. Check, please!
Surprisingly, the red velvet pancake puppies actually look like the most appetizing of the bunch, probably because it’s hard to f*ck up fried balls of dough (not that there’s anything wrong with that). In any case, I’ve helpfully included pictures of all the food featured, so you can experience this hobbit feast vicariously. You can practically feel the diarrhea through the screen! I heard Peter Jackson wanted to design it so that each breakfast takes three hours and you don’t get bacon until the third visit. In the “number one”, you actually just pay to watch the waitress walk from the table to the kitchen.
