‘Big Miracle’ flops like whale titties

Written by Vince Mancini / 02.06.12

You may not have noticed on account of Burnsy being too busy partying at Sony headquarters to do a Weekend Movie Guide post on Friday, but this weekend’s new major releases were the found-footage telekinesis film Chronicle, the Daniel Radcliffe horror story The Woman in Black (RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, HE’S DORKY AND BRITISH!), and Drew Barrymore’s inspirational love story set in the world of stranded whales, Big Miracle (hashtag describe your penis with a movie). Chronicle won the day with an estimated $22 million for the weekend (on a $12 million budget), with Woman in Black hot on its heels at $21 m. Almost inconceivably, given America’s love affair with speech impediments and marine mammals, Big Miracle landed all the way at number four, grossing just $8.5 million on a $40 million budget.

That sounds like a bomb, and it is, but what did they expect opening against the Super Bowl? I’m sure it will do much better next week when the fanatical Drew Barrymore and John Krasinski fans aren’t all home watching the game.

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The 15 Biggest Flops of 2011

Written by Vince Mancini / 01.05.12

Pictured: They don't know how she does it.

And now for your daily dose of easy Schadenfreude, the top 15 flops of 2011. While it’s easy and fun to tap dance on the grave of most of these ass piles (pour a little rum out for The Rum Diary – *I* liked it), remember: justice won’t truly be served until everyone involved in the making of New Year’s Eve gets shot out of a cannon.

1. Mars Needs Moms
Studio: Disney
Release Date: March 11, 2011
Budget: $150 million
Worldwide Gross: $39 million

2. Sucker Punch
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens
Release Date: March 25, 2011
Budget: $82 million
Worldwide gross: $89.8 million

3. Arthur
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Russell Brand, Helen Mirren, Jennifer Garner
Release Date: April 8, 2011
Budget: $40 million-plus
Worldwide Gross: $45.7 million

4. Green Lantern
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively
Release Date: June 17, 2011
Budget: $200 million
Worldwide Gross: $219.9 million

5. Cowboys & Aliens
Studio: DreamWorks/Universal
Stars: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford
Release Date: July 29, 2011
Budget: $163 million
Worldwide Gross: $178.8

6. Glee: The 3D Concert Movie
Studio: Fox
Stars: Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Darren Criss
Release Date: Aug. 12
Budget: $9 million
Worldwide Gross: $18.7 millon

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‘The Big Year’ is an epic flop

Written by Vince Mancini / 10.17.11

Crap movies stunk up the box office this weekend, with The Big Year winning the prize for stinkiest. There were three new releases out, including two that were remakes (The Thing, Footloose) and one whose synopsis suggested it was about birdwatching. Meanwhile, its trailer implied that it was about Jack Black falling down. It’s hard to say which was the smaller draw, but The Big Year ended up winning this weekend’s bed-sh*tting contest, grossing a pathetic $3.3 million. Unflattering comparisons abound. Here are the bullet points:

  • Steve Martin’s worst opening since 1994′s Mixed Nuts (and that was before those Pink Panther movies)
  • Barely better than Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny ($3.2 million)
  • Worse than Owen Wilson’s previous biggest bomb, 2004′s The Big Bounce

It reviewed equally poorly, tracking 41% on RottenTomatoes with the most favorable reviews citing its lack of profanity. Pixar makes great movies without profanity too, and there’s a reason no reviewer has ever felt the need to point this out. In a perfect world, the critic would run out of compliments long before he got to “doesn’t swear.”

Elsewhere, Footloose was mildly disappointing at the box office ($16.1 million, worse than Stomp the Yard and the first two Step Up movies) despite garnering mostly positive reviews. I would’ve seen it, but judging by the fact that 80% of all network TV is shows about singing and dancing, I get the feeling I’m wildly out of touch with the rest of the world vis a vis how much I want to watch people sing and dance.

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Renny Harlin says he “begged” not to make Cutthroat Island

Written by Vince Mancini / 09.15.11

Cutthroat Island cost almost $100 million to make, and when it came out in 1995, it managed to earn slightly more than $10 million domestically. It was directed by Renny Harlin, who was basically Michael Bay before Michael Bay was Michael Bay, and starred his then wife Geena Davis. The film bankrupted Carolco, the production company, which had previously made Basic Instinct, Cliffhanger, and Terminator 2.

Recently, while promoting his newest crappy movie, 5 Days of War, Harlin talked about the Cutthroat Island fiasco with Kim Masters on KCRW, and for the first time, he says he knew Carolco was going bankrupt before the film came out, and says he actually begged not to make it. I hope you’re writing this excuse down, M. Night Shyamalan. What’s that? I just wasn’t European enough to understand? Hmm, not the way I would’ve gone, but I guess that works too.

“I’ll tell you another detail that people don’t know about. Originally, Michael Douglas was supposed to star in Cutthroat Island. And he walked away. At that point I was left there with my then-wife, Geena Davis and myself, and a company that was already belly-up. We begged to be let go. We begged that we didn’t have to make this movie. And I don’t think I’ve ever said this in any other interview. We begged that we not be put in this position.”

“Geena was scared mindless about headlining this film. We felt that a pirate movie with a female lead was suicidal, but we were contractually obligated. And we were so concerned about the script at that point that I personally spent a million dollars of my own money, I hired Mark Norman, who had won an Oscar for writing Shakespeare in Love. So I tried to hire the best writer in the business. Because, again, Carolco said, “we don’t have money. We don’t care if the script is not good, or if it doesn’t work any more because it was written for Michael Douglas and now it’s not that story any more.” So I spent a million dollars of my own money to hire Mark Norman to write that script. We did the best we could under the circumstances. So, was it painful when it all came crashing down? Yes. Did we learn a lot? Yes.” [transcript via SlashFilm]

Hmm, I’m no legal expert, but I don’t think you can force someone to direct a movie. Unless you kidnap his wife like in a Renny Harlin movie. In any case, still no word on whether he also begged not to have to make Die Hard 2, Deep Blue Sea, Driven, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Cleaner, Mindhunters, 12 Rounds... Pretty much everything he directed except Long Kiss Goodnight. The Long Kiss Goodnight is the bomb. And was totally Renny Harlin’s idea, I’m sure.

…Crap, I just alienated everyone who didn’t grow up in the 90s, didn’t I. (*walks away, sheepishly dragging spray-painted overalls while Arrested Development plays*)

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Average Audience for Bucky Larson Screenings Was 8 People

Written by Vince Mancini / 09.12.11

Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion led all others at the box office over the weekend, knocking off The Help for the first time in three weeks, proving that the only thing America loves more than a hot white chick curing racism (THAT MAID’S CHANGIN’ YER LAAHFE) is watching Gwyneth Paltrow succumb to a mysterious disease (check out the new goop.com newsletter for the latest in designer rubber gloves and shabby chic sneeze guards).

Meanwhile, proving that no one listens to Peter Dante, no one went to see Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, despite all his advice to the contrary. The Happy Madison product opened all the way down at number fifteen, with  $1.45 million. That was less than half of Happy Madison’s previous lows, Strange Wilderness and Grandma’s Boy (the latter of which was actually pretty decent, strangely). But it wasn’t ALL bad news, as Bucky Larson is currently tracking 0% on rottentomatoes.

FUN FACT: The average showing of Bucky Larson had slightly more than eight people. You could get more people to a fake funeral.

It’s a shame, because I always thought Nick Swardson was the funniest one in that crew. But also not a shame, because Bucky Larson looked like a Mexican sitcom (and not in a good way, where all of the women have preposterously ample cleavage). If Jack and Jill does this poorly when it opens in November, maybe Sandler can finally stop with this lowest common denominator experiment and get back to making comedy. I know, I know, I’m totally that YOU’VE CHANGED, BRO guy. But even conceding that I was thirteen at the time, I refuse to believe that “The Buffoon Meets the Dean of Admissions” wasn’t a watershed moment in comedy. “I LOOKED AT MY ASSH*LE IN THE MIRROR TODAY,” is my generation’s “Who’s On First.” I remember where I was the first time I heard “MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG HAS A FOUR-INCH CLIT” like it was the goddamned Kennedy assassination.

(full top 10 after the jump)

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