And then she was like, "Why don't you go f*ck your ipad?" And I was like, "Wait, what did you say? ...RUTH, YOU'RE A GENIUS!"

Howdy, fellas. Are you bored of being able to search through more hot, bare vaginas than you even knew existed, watch them get slammed, stuffed, and be-dildoed by all manner of penis, animal, and vegetable, and then having to pleasure yourself to it using your boring old hand? What am I, an australopithecus? Do I live in a cave? Am I jerking off to a skeleton of Lucy? No, what you need, modern homo sapien, is a Fleshlipad. It’s an attachment that takes your Fleshlight, a disembodied vagina made of latex stuffed inside a flashlight casing (put it in the freezer for the full Dahmer effect!), and allows you to attach it to your iPad while it displays images of hot babes. Imagination is for suckers! If only your dear old grandad had had one of these in Turkish prison!

I’m already drawing up the papers for my new charity, where I drop porn-filled Fleshlipads over third world countries to combat overpopulation. Although those would probably just lead to the formation of elaborate cargo cults.

If the epitaph of the universe was written today, it would read “Big Bang, Space Travel, F*ckable iPad.” (uncensored, NSFW-ish pictures below)

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Am I the only one who feels like these red bumps just won’t go away The Avengers project has been hanging around for, oh I don’t know, say 30 years now? Hell, we’ve already exhausted ourselves on every possible cast combination and rumor mill fodder you could imagine. But worry no longer, young Padawans, because it’s now been officially confirmed by Joss Whedon (Serenity, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog) himself that he will definitely be directing The Avengers upcoming silver screen debut. Whedon’s duo panel with J.J. Abrams yesterday was the first time that the news was made public, resulting in 200 plus screaming fans all crapping their denim shorts simultaneously.

Please, tea bag me with your knowledge The Hollywood Reporter:

“It’s not an official thing, I think because Marvel couldn’t afford a press release,” Whedon said. “So can we make that an official thing? I’m directing ‘The Avengers.’ ” Asked what his take will be on the film, Whedon replied, “I am still writing an outline. I’m still in that stage. I will say the thing I love about it, the thing that made me excited to do it, is how counterintuitive it is. These people shouldn’t be in the same room — and that is the very definition of family.” [THR]

Well slap my penis and call me Lou Ferrigno’s ball sac (it’s named Henry, FYI) for the first time I’m actually genuinely confident in this project. For so long it’s felt like this thing would never take flight, let alone a writer/director would get attached who actually knows what they’re doing and is knowledgeable of the concept. Say what you will about Joss Whedon (his “These people shouldn’t be in the same room” quote is admittedly more applicable for a prison shower than The Avengers), but the guy actually gives a sh*t when it comes to production and these days that’s few and far between in a director (why can’t we clone Christopher Nolan?).

Video after the jump:
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Last night was the grand opening of Comic Con in San Diego, “Preview Night”, the first night, when everyone has their display booths up, and tickets are supposedly limited.  So as crowded as it was, it will be presumably be even sweatier and more nerd packed tomorrow (that’s today, your time).  They were showing previews for upcoming WB shows in the theater, but I voted that a hearty (*fart noise*) and spent my time on the exhibition floor.

How to describe preview night… well, imagine a giant theater lobby where there’s no movie to see, or an amusement park with no rides.  There’s just lots of sh*t everywhere and people trying to hand you sh*t and huge lines for sh*t that the people in line don’t even know what’s at the end of.  Am I in a line right now?  Is this a dream?  I don’t know.  Ooh, a Hard Rock Cafe with no sh*tty onion rings. Another valid analogy. Wait no, false alarm, they do have sh*tty onion rings here.

See that “Warner Bros” strap on my shoulder up there?  That’s for the giant Warner Bros bag they hand you on the way in.  They give you a really big bag in order to hold smaller bags of useless sh*t that you will be handed.  Here are some other folks sporting stylish bags:

Sorry, homes, I know a back pack when I see it.

Extrey, extrey, we got shiny bags of stuff here!

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It’s not something I like to brag about, but at a previous job I was once asked to do a review of the Fleshlight.  Though most of you are probably already familiar with it, the Fleshlight is a Maglight-sized tube filled with fake rubber vagina (or butt, or mouth) that sort of looks like a flashlight, hence the name.  The short version of the review is that it’s like trying to jerk off with a three-pound dumbbell in your hand.  Kind of a hassle, unless you make a hole in a bed or a sex doll for it, and if you’re going to that much trouble to jerk off… well, let’s not even go there.  Not to mention, your own hand is already a pretty efficient fake vagina.  Let’s face it, God gave us two fake vaginas at birth and you can even control their kegel muscles.  My, this has been cathartic, hasn’t it.

Long story short, this is the vampire-themed Fleshlight called the Succu Dry.  It’s perfect for the thousand-year-old sparkling vampire who can’t bone his girlfriend and has to spend all day listening to her melodramatic 16-year-old bullsh-t.  I mean talk about sparkling blue balls.  It only costs $5 more than the regular Fleshlight, but if you’ve got eternal youth and this is how you plan on spending your alone time, you might as well save up for a wooden stake to drive through your own heart.

[via Jizzmodo Gizmodo]