^{Kirk rushed in to save the burning building when God presented him with a dilemma: across the street, a sale on sweaters.}

Kirk Cameron’s movie Fireproof opens today, I’d assumed at a handful of places in the Southeast where they normally play bingo and have swap meets. But as it turns out:

[Fireproof] is playing in 830 theaters, more than double their last movie. According to movie ticketing site Fandango.com, Fireproof is accounting for 41% of ticket sales, far outpacing Shia LaBeouf’s Eagle Eye.

41% of all ticket sales.  Holy shit.  Literally.  Oh, and don’t think the fact that the movie’s not out yet has kept it from spawning a bestseller.

In the movie, Cameron’s character tries to save his marriage by following advice in a book. After early church screenings, the Kendricks were inundated for requests for the title, which didn’t exist.
“So we sat down and wrote the book,” Alex [the pastor at Cameron's megachurch who directs and finances his movies] says.
The Love Dare has shipped more than 300,000 copies. “All we wanted to do was make a movie that honored marriage, and how faith can restore it,” Alex says. “It has struck a chord I don’t think anyone expected.” [USA Today]

“My husband was a useless, disgusting pile of flesh incapable of satisfying a woman in any way,” said Allison Whippleplow after an early Fireproof screening, “We were on the brink of divorce, but the thought of burning in hell for all eternity really put things in perspective.”

I know I say this as a single man, but staying married is the least sexy love dare ever.  When I think “love dare”, I think “just the tip”, or “pretend it’s big this time”.

In an interview with the Today Show, Kirk Cameron revealed that he refused to kiss the actress playing his wife in his upcoming “movie” Fireproof.

“I have a commitment not to kiss any other woman,” [Notice how he limits it to women? -Ed.] the former child star of “Growing Pains” told Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford Monday on TODAY in New York.

To get around the conflict, the filmmakers employed a bit of movie magic [ta da! you're gay], Cameron explained. They dressed his wife, actress Chelsea Noble, like the movie’s female lead and shot the scene in silhouette.

“So when I’m kissing my wife, we’re actually husband and wife honoring marriage behind the scenes,” Cameron said as Gifford and Kotb melted from the romanticism of the moment. [MSNBC - Thanks, RoboPanda]

Thanks, I just vomited.  I bet you ladies won’t find it so romantic when he wears a sweatshirt to bed and treats going down on you like a little kid treats brussel sprouts. Read the rest of this entry »

Relax, ma’am, God is here to help.  Wait, you’re not some kind of homo, right?

Wacky evangelicals are pretty much convinced the rest of us will be burning in hell for all eternity, which is why they produce and market movies without the taint of our dirty secular money.  Hehe, “taint”.  The backstory on this is that Krazy Kirk Kameron, formerly of Growing Pains, made a movie called Fireproof, about a fireman and his wife, with a not-so-subtle theme of helping people avoid brimstone and the gnashing teeth of satan’s minions and such.

To market it, they’ve stolen a page from the Nigerian’s scammer playbook (and their grammar guide) and are employing chain emails.  Here’s one, forwarded to me by a faithful FilmDrunkard who adds, “I have no idea who this woman is, or why she sent me this. So now you can have it.”

Dear Friends,
Greetings from Dallas, Texas. I want to highly recommend a movie that
will be released September 26th called “Fireproof”.  I was privileged
this summer to see a full screening of this movie and in my opinion it
is outstanding. As of July the screening itself was making an impact.
Teenagers were giving the review that it was giving them HOPE!  At the
same point of time in the screening process, it was 16% above the
Passion of the Christ which was at 76% approval rate it was already at
92% approval rate.

Passion is listed at 50% approved on RottenTomatoes and 46% on Metacritic, and Firepoof’s listing has no reviews yet on either.  The discrepancy is probably some customs snafu – I bet if you send a cashier’s check they’ll tell you where the numbers came from.  More crazy after the jump

Read the rest of this entry »

Once upon a time, Kirk Cameron was the teen heartthrob from Growing Pains. Somewhere along the line, he found Jesus, and he decided that he wanted us to know Jesus too.  Biblically.  But he was fed up with all the faggy forgiveness and salvation brand of Jesus worshipping going around.  He knew that the true path to righteousness was through good old fashionged fear of demons gnashing your bones for all eternity.  Today, I have the poster and trailer for his latest endeavor, Fireproof, in which he plays a fireman who saves people from fires, and also from burning in hell.  It’s like a double entendre, get it?

The slogan is "Never leave your partner behind," because your partner should also believe in Jesus so that they don’t get left behind.  In hell.  Oh, and I should note that you also shouldn’t take your partner from behind, because that will also result in hell.  I recommend the website, it’s hours of fun.