Some of the promotional items handed out by Kirk Cameron and his being-gay-makes-me-want-to-love-Jesus-HARD film Fireproof included this fetching “I heart my marriage” t-shirt, seen here being modeled by sexy arrestee Brad Gellert.  See if you can guess where this story’s going.  In fact, see if you can guess where it took place.

A Florida man was arrested for allegedly choking his wife during an argument in their Tampa-area home.  According to a police report, the 32-year-old financial consultant got into an argument with his wife and “screamed at the victim and threw numerous items.” He then allegedly “grabbed the victim’s neck and strangled her,” which “prevented the victim from breathing normally.” [as strangulation so often tends to do] Gellert’s wife subsequently fled the couple’s Apollo Beach home and went to a nearby sheriff’s office to report the incident. Investigators noted that the woman had been “taken to the ground by the arrestee [clearly employing the "ground & pound" method of spousal abuse] and suffered an abrasion to her knee and red marks on her neck.” [TSG]

Little known fact: the eleventh commandment was actually “Thou shalt not make your husband have to choke a bitch.”  And I confess, I’d probably choke my wife too if she made me watch Fireproof.  Just sayin.

“I’m not gay!  Jesus says nipples are a sin!“

Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof banked heavily on the insane bible thumper demographic and was an enormous success ($500,000 budget, $34 million gross – suck on that, Hollywood Jews).  It recently hit DVD, and someone on the internets was kind enough to put together a compilation of all the best scenes (watch it after the jump).  At first it looks like Kirk Cameron’s gonna beat his wife, but it turns out he just kills his computer with a baseball bat because it got him addicted to porn.  But the creepiest stuff isn’t even the Jesus parts, it’s watching them rip off secular movies like Super Troopers.  They even have a wise cracking black guy!  I suppose the message is, it’s all fun and games until you’re burning in hell.

Also: Kirk Cameron is 38 and looks 12.  I want whatever anti-aging potion he’s taking.  What’s that you say?  It involves abstaining from porn and alcohol?  Hmm.  I’m gonna try bathing in the blood of virgins first, see if that works.

Read the rest of this entry »

^{The phrase “Box Office” still gives Kirk Cameron the chills.}

Shia LaBeouf’s thrilling thriller Eagle Eye topped the box office with $29.4 million dollars, no doubt because of all those good reviews.  Meanwhile, the big story was Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof (tagline: Never leave your partner’s behind).  Costing just $500K and opening on 839 screens, the Sherwood Baptist Church joint rode a Nigerian-style marketing campaign to a $6.5 million gross, landing in fourth place behind Lakeview Terrace.

It had the year’s highest grossing opening weekend return of any film (except 3-D Hannah Montana) released on 1,000 screens or less. Faith-based “Action Squads” bought up blocks of tickets. [DHD]

Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch the big studios try to cash in on this one.  It’ll be just like that one movie with Steve Martin and Queen Latifah, but instead of an old white guy learning how to dance and rap, a bunch of old Jews will learn to how to say “I love Jesus” in tongues.

Read the rest of this entry »

^{Hehe, “flaming”.}

Opening this weekend

Eagle Eye – Well, we already know what everyone thinks about this one.  Still, I hope it doesn’t flop too badly, if only for the sake of monkey army morale.

Choke - Sam Rockwell? Chuck Palahniuk? Sex addiction? Historical interpreting?  Yes, please.  Polite suggestion: needs more tigers.

Miracle at St. Anna - You know how back in WWII, white motherf-ckers be all savin’ Italians like this?  But then a brother comes along and he’s all like…

Nights in Rodanthe - Mmm, old people love scenes, my favorite.  Her puffy vag, his old… balls, lovingly lit, accompanied by lilting string music.  Seriously, where do I sign up?

Fireproof – He proved the existence of God with a banana, just imagine what he can do to your marriage with a firehose.  Wait, that came out wrong…

^{Kirk rushed in to save the burning building when God presented him with a dilemma: across the street, a sale on sweaters.}

Kirk Cameron’s movie Fireproof opens today, I’d assumed at a handful of places in the Southeast where they normally play bingo and have swap meets. But as it turns out:

[Fireproof] is playing in 830 theaters, more than double their last movie. According to movie ticketing site Fandango.com, Fireproof is accounting for 41% of ticket sales, far outpacing Shia LaBeouf’s Eagle Eye.

41% of all ticket sales.  Holy shit.  Literally.  Oh, and don’t think the fact that the movie’s not out yet has kept it from spawning a bestseller.

In the movie, Cameron’s character tries to save his marriage by following advice in a book. After early church screenings, the Kendricks were inundated for requests for the title, which didn’t exist.
“So we sat down and wrote the book,” Alex [the pastor at Cameron's megachurch who directs and finances his movies] says.
The Love Dare has shipped more than 300,000 copies. “All we wanted to do was make a movie that honored marriage, and how faith can restore it,” Alex says. “It has struck a chord I don’t think anyone expected.” [USA Today]

“My husband was a useless, disgusting pile of flesh incapable of satisfying a woman in any way,” said Allison Whippleplow after an early Fireproof screening, “We were on the brink of divorce, but the thought of burning in hell for all eternity really put things in perspective.”

I know I say this as a single man, but staying married is the least sexy love dare ever.  When I think “love dare”, I think “just the tip”, or “pretend it’s big this time”.