Sorry, octopus Christian Grey.

Thanks to his already strong relationship with Focus Features, director Gus Van Sant may be the man for the job of directing the big screen adaptation of E.L. James’ best-selling Fifty Shades of Grey erotic Twilight fan fiction. I mean, bondage romance. Sorry, I get those two descriptions confused sometimes. And if he’s not the favorite, Van Sant is at least making his presence known as he recruited Magic Mike star Alex Pettyfer to film some test sex scenes.

But ladies, before you go making “He can pet my fur” jokes, please know that this doesn’t mean that Pettyfer is going to be cast as Christian Grey. That role could still very well go to Kevin James.

Insiders stressed that Pettyfer was cast as Grey just for the tape, not the movie, though Universal just got into bed with the 23 year-old actor on its sexy remake of “Endless Love,” which he is currently shooting in Atlanta. TheWrap was unable to confirm the identity of the actress cast at Steele, the impressionable young woman who falls for kinky billionaire Grey. (Via The Wrap)

Obviously, as my amazing and now wasted banner image for 50,000 Shades of Grey Under the Sea shows us, Emma Watson was the most recently rumored actress to be up for the role of Anastasia Steele. That was according to some documents or something that were intercepted by hackers in the most unexciting hacking since your teenage sister left her Facebook logged in at the Apple Store.

As for Van Sant, he is not currently working on any films so his schedule is open, but Focus never asked him or Pettyfer to do this, so this is basically a story about an older man who tricked a young actor into having simulated sex on camera. Or Thursday, as people in Hollywood call it.

As always, if the title has a question mark that means we’re dealing with an unsubstantiated rumor that is coming from a source that may not know a ding dong diddily darn of what it speaks. This time around, though, the fine folks of Anonymous claim that they have uncovered documents that prove that Emma Watson has signed on to star as Anastasia Steele in the big screen adaptation of the best-selling Twilight fan fiction known as Fifty Shades of Grey.

And where there are whips, there are scars, because it turns out that Constantin Films was indeed hacked, so this may be the happiest day ever for men of all ages.

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Back in November, Vinnie wrote that the copyright owner of the wildly popular book Fifty Shades of Grey and Universal, the studio bringing that saucy literary romp to the big screen, were suing Smash Pictures, the company responsible for Fifty Shades of Grey: A XXX Adaption. Of course, there’s a great deal of irony in the people behind a porn parody of Twilight suing the porn parody of a porn parody, but this world is full of idiots, so here we are.

Anyway, it appears that the miscreants behind the porn-within-a-porn have been whipped into submission, as the porn producers have agreed to a settlement with Universal and the other people.

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It doesn’t get repeated often enough, but Fifty Shades of Grey started as Twilight S & M fan fiction written under the name “Snowqueens Icedragon.” (It’s unclear whether there was an apostrophe). Then, like an existentialist’s most masochistic boner fantasy about the animal nature of mankind, it spread through society like a venereal disease, eventually coming to encompass

“Well, there is going to be a lot of sex in the film,” [screenwriter Kelly Marcel - pictured] says breezily. “It will be rated NC-17 [18 here]. It’s going to be raunchy.” While they are not toning it down — “We are 100% going there” — some of the sex scenes have had to be edited out in order to get some plot in. “We did go through and decide which are our favourites and which are not,” she concedes. “Most of them are in there, but I can’t say more than that.” By “we”, she means herself and EL James.

Marcel has just returned to her house and dogs in Twickenham, after spending 10 days hanging out with the author in LA, poring over Fifty Shades in James’s hotel room, “with me going, ‘I just love Christian Grey, I feel…’ ” she sighs theatrically, “‘very deeply for him.’ ”

Did she then point at her vagina? I hope she then pointed at her vagina. “But why did you say ‘very deeply’ twice?” “I didn’t.

Discussing the finer points of Grey’s performance became second nature, so much so that at one point, when they were discussing the “contract” in the book (what Anna will and won’t agree to sexually), the maid came in “and we just carried on talking, ‘Fisting or no fisting?’ And suddenly she stopped dead. The poor maid. It was hilarious.” [TheSundayTimes]

Poor maids, they don’t know nothin’ about sex without Arnold Schwarzenegger there to demonstrate. Anyway, the script isn’t finished, no one has been cast yet, and the interview never follows up on whether the movie will include fisting like the book apparently does. But I’m guessing yes. I mean, it is a love story.