Cowboys and Aliens is an absurdist pastiche of overused action movie tropes (Bourne in the old west! With aliens!), which is occasionally compelling, if only for the sheer audacity of plot choices. That is to say, it’s ridiculous. And I’m a big fan of the ridiculous (see also: Lieutenant, Bad; Werner Herzog version of). I just wish Cowboys and Aliens‘ preposterousness wasn’t so couched in pre-fabricated stories and characters. It’s a lot like Lost, but even black smoke monsters and polar bears seemed more fresh than Cowboys, Indians, aliens, rocket hands, and amnesia. It plays like a producer brainstorming session that never got edited, which makes it all the more shocking that no one turns out to be a vampire or a hot cyborg lesbian (spoiler alert).

It’s hard to believe Lost exec producer Damon Lindelof had five co-writers, because the whole thing reeks of black smoke musk, from the character daddy issues driving every single plot point right down to the fat-faced kid with a dog who seems totally unnecessary to the plot. I imagine the writers meeting went something like this:

Alex Kurtzman: Cowboys!

Robert Orci: Indians! Aliens! James Bond! Indiana Jones–

Steve Oedekirk: (*loud gurgle, extended fart sound followed by terrible stench. the rest of the gang rolls his wheelchair outside before continuing*)

Lindelof: Amnesia! Religious themes! Re-incarnation–

Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby: [together] ROCKET HANDS! (*they smash their beer steins together, down the rest, and stomp off like the Bushwhackers*)

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Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, who have writing credits on Children of Men (along with three other dudes), and Iron Man (along with two other dudes) — which, as we’ve learned, barely even had a script — have signed on to write the reboot of Tomb Raider.  The Hollywood Reporter adds that the project is being planned as an origin story, which is good, as I’m excited to delve into this richly fascinating mythology.  No really, ignore my dismissive wanks and fart sounds.

The company is today issuing a statement setting bold aspirations for the franchise, with the writers saying they want to create an “origin story for Lara Croft that solidifies her place alongside Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor in the pantheon of great female action heroes.” [THR]

Ooh, but will this re-imagining be grittier?  Meanwhile, in something of a coup, FilmDrunk was able to obtain a copy of Lara Croft’s ACTUAL ORIGIN STORY!

INT. filthy apartment in Van Nuys.

VIDEO GAME DESIGNER 1
What if… we created an adventure story… where Indiana Jones was a girl?

VIDEO GAME DESIGNER 2
Can… she have huge tits?

“The Final Countdown” plays over coding montage.  Fin.

Okay, now I’m starting to get new-trailer fatigue.  Nonetheless, I can’t deny that this is big news.  Directed by Jon Favreau, Cowboys and Aliens stars Daniel Craig as a Civil War vet named Jake Lonergan who wakes up in the desert with a strange handcuff around his wrist and no memory.  It’s basically the Bourne Identity… in the old west… with aliens. The exec who first heard that pitch probably started jacking off right at the conference table (total movie exec move).  It was also co-written by the writers of Iron Man, Star Trek, and Lost.  FERGUS AND OSTBY AND KURTZMAN AND ORCI OH MY! (*cough*) LINDELOF! (*cough, cough*)

The concept seems kind of dumb, and as far as old west sheriffs go, Harrison Ford is no Gene Hackman.  But given the talent level involved, there’s reason to be excited.  Anyway, with that many writers, I like to imagine that the Iron Man guys’ only contribution was yelling “ROCKET HANDS!” every five minutes.

Sidenote:  Did Daniel Craig stab that guy in the junk?

Summit Entertainment, the studio behind Twilight, has announced that they’ll be rebooting 1986′s Highlander, with 4 Fast 4 Furious director Justin Lin at the helm.  Art Marcum and Matt Holloway (who worked with

Summit’s film will expand on the original HIGHLANDER’s core mythology of immortals battling amongst us, hunting each other through the ages by tapping its newly minted creative team to take its re-imagination to new heights. Plans call for the re-imagination to spur a new franchise for the studio. [Summit Press Release via /Film]

Wait, wait, the original story was about immortals who hunted each other using newly minted creative teams?  DAMN YOUR LACK OF PUNCTUATION!  Anyway, this seemed like a way worse idea before I started listening to the Queen songs from the original.  I know this new one’s probably going to be Papa Roach singing about their parents’ divorce while Channing Tatum pours Highlander energy drink on his shirtless chest, but all I can think is I AM IMMORTAL / I HAVE INSIDE ME BLOOD OF KINGS…. (*10 minute mouth guitar solo*)

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Cowboys and Aliens is your basic aliens-as-metaphor-for-imperialism graphic novel, and has been in development for quite some time.  But sh’t got real back in June when Robert Downey Jr. signed on to star, and sh’t's about to get mega super real now that Jon Favreau has signed on to direct a script written by Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci, and Damon Lindelof.  If you’re keeping score at home, that’s the writer/director team behind Iron Man plus the writers of Star Trek and Transformers, plus one of the top dogs at Lost.  If hotness were bricks, this project would have plenty.

The story centers on an Old West battle between the Apache and Western settlers, including a former Union Army gunslinger named Zeke Jackson (Downey), that is interrupted by a spaceship crashing into the prairie near Silver City, Ariz.  The story draws a parallel between the American imperialist drive to conquer the “savage” Indians with its advanced technology and the aliens’ assault on Earthlings, who must join together to survive the invaders’ attack. [THR]

Kurtzman, Orci & Co. (Kortzi) are taking over scripting duties from Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby (Fergby), which is interesting, as it’s well known in Hollywood circles that Kortzi/Fergby is a professional rivalry the likes of which some say hasn’t been seen since Beatles/Stones, or Brando/Schwarzenegger.  The dueling duos frequently attend the same parties, and after a few Zimas, have been known to engage in some heated chicken fights.

[via HeatVision]