The dark sunglasses disguise his eyes while staring at your sandwich.

A few years ago, Russell Crowe took an Australian reporter on a brutal, 12-mile bike ride to punish her for writing an article making fun of him for eating three tacos and smoking cigarettes after working out with his personal trainer.   After a recent appearance at a charity cricket match in New Zealand, he’s going to need a lot more bicycles.  On the plus side, those little cycling hats with the upturned brims are a perfect place to hold your taco while you smoke a cigarette.

The 46-year-old seemed to have packed on the pounds when he appeared at a charity cricket match in Wellington, New Zealand, over the weekend. And as he took his place in the line-up at the match – in aid of victims of the recent earthquake in Christchurch – he was looking decidedly portly.

(*star donates his time for charity*)  THE PRESS: “Haha, look at the fattie!  Hey, fattie!  Look over here so we can take your fat picture!  Whoa, back up, lard ass, I’ve only got one camera!  Haha, look at him wheeze while he picks up that legless orphan, he’s all out of breath from the fatness!”

The actor has in the past confessed to gaining weight for roles, having put on over 60lb to play a CIA chief in the 2008 film Body Of Lies. He said at the time that he indulged in burgers for breakfast as well as cupcakes to pile on the pounds for the role.

CROWE: “Oi, Ridley, you said all CIA chiefs are super fat, right?”
RIDLEY SCOTT: “What?”
CROWE: (*mouth full of sausage roll*)

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When I first saw the link “Kevin Smith issues final statement on the Southwest incident”, I was pleasantly surprised, first by the words “final statement”, then by the fact that the accompanying YouTube video was only three minutes long.  Let’s face it, he had a crappy experience with a crappy company, it’s not Locked Up Abroad. Then I watched it, and all he talked about was the video itself and why he made it.  At which point I realized I was only watching part one OF TWENTY FOUR.  That’s right, after his hundreds of tweets on Too-Fat-To-Fly-Gate and an entire podcast, he still needed twenty four GD YouTube videos.  I didn’t watch any after the first, but unless he fights a giant spider in third act, I’d consider them a colossal waste of time.  And that’s coming from the guy who spent the last 30 minutes making this:

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Film director and well-known tubby f*ck Kevin Smith was recently kicked off a Southwest flight for being too fat.  Smith claimed he was able to lower his armrests without issue and buckle his seatbelt without an extender, and has since dedicated no less than 98 Tweets to whining about the matter [UPDATE: Since first count, he's dedicated countless more].  In fairness to Smith, I’ve sat between guys way fatter than him on flights before.  In fairness to Southwest, it was really uncomfortable. Said Southwest:

Mr. Smith originally purchased two Southwest seats on a flight from Oakland to Burbank – as he’s been known to do when traveling on Southwest. He decided to change his plans and board an earlier flight to Burbank, which technically means flying standby. As you may know, airlines are not able to clear standby passengers until all Customers are boarded [hence why they kicked him off after he'd already been seated on the plane]. When the time came to board Mr. Smith, we had only a single seat available for him to occupy. Our pilots are responsible for the Safety and comfort of all Customers on the aircraft and therefore, made the determination that Mr. Smith needed more than one seat to complete his flight. Our Employees explained why the decision was made, accommodated Mr. Smith on a later flight, and issued him a $100 Southwest travel voucher for his inconvenience.

The statement appeared on the travel blog Gadling, who themselves wrote:

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The Daily Mail today has pictures of Meg Ryan looking fat, and *yoink* now I have them.  Ta Da!  They’re from the set of her new movie My Mom’s Hot Boyfriend, which I could’ve sworn was either an MTV gameshow or a gay porno.  In the film, she loses the weight and dates Antonio Banderas, while creepy mouthbreather Colin Hanks plays her son, an FBI agent who thinks Banderas may be an art thief.  Meanwhile, I think he may be a bike thief.  Hard to say though, all minorities kind of look alike to me.  (I kid, I kid)

It’s also probably important to note that Ryan is wearing a fat suit in the pictures and didn’t actually gain any weight for the role.  Because she’s a terrible actress. 

[Thanks to RoboPanda for the assist] 

Nikki Finke (who should really be a 30s gangster henchman with that name) is reporting that Jon Favreau and Marvel have reached a deal for Favreau to direct the sequel to Iron Man, due in 2010.

Marvel Studios boss David Maisel was quick to put out a "definitely" richer offer to Favreau, but not quick enough for Jon — who used the Internet and other media to rile up the movie’s many fans by spreading nonsense that Marvel was dragging its feet and then lowballing him. Granted Maisel is no day at the beach himself, but, seriously, could Favreau have been more of an asshole?

Whatever.  Directors take pay cuts to direct passion projects they’ve been developing for the last decade, not huge-budget blockbusters with a set release date and no script. If you want Jon Favreau, who was probably 20% of the reason for Iron Man’s success (the other 80% being Robert Downey), it’s gonna be the cash that persuades him.  It’s like I always tell fatties, I’m not saying I won’t love you, I’m just saying you have to buy me a drink first.  And kissing on the mouth costs extra.

[DHD]